Chasing Dreams

 Chasing dreams as an adult is a hard thing to wrap my head around, because when you become an adult (and even more so when you become a parent) means putting other people's needs or wants to the side in order to chase after your personal dreams. As a mom, putting myself first is tricky. I don't find that it's impossible like it might have been when the boys were really little and I felt like I was juggling everything on my own (Nick worked a lot more hours then and my parents didn't live five minutes away, so I was doing a lot of the day-to-day solo when we first moved away from Orange County). And then there's the mom guilt that comes with doing anything for myself. I've shared about that before, but I'm working on it! 

Lately, I've become addicted to Colleen Hoover books. I think I've read all but 2 of her 15-ish books in the last several weeks. Yesterday, I was reading the latest one, and read about her road to becoming an author in the acknowledgements of the book. It was fascinating. Her story is one of rags to riches, and the grit and dedication that it took, but also the inspiration for chasing that dream. It made me think a little harder about some of my dreams and where I am now in life versus where I thought I might be. 

I am blessed to have a supportive husband who I actually like spending time with (most days), four beautiful, healthy kids, and a career that pays the bills. The career piece is something I've struggled with immensely over the last few years. I know there is something else out there for me, and I just need to figure out what path to take and follow it. 

In the meantime, it feels surreal to be chasing a dream I've had since I was a kid - writing a book. I received the first pass of edits from my editor yesterday and am so glad I decided to use an editor because the feedback was great and I think it's well worth the expense of making sure the tone and the message of my book is clear even if someone doesn't know me or my story. The process is fascinating to me, and I think somewhere deep inside, I dream about writing more than one book. But, I'm learning to pace myself and take things one day at a time. That's something I didn't know how to do a year ago. 

What dreams are you chasing today as an adult that might be different (or the same) than dreams you chased as a kid? 

My Girl

 My girl. 

She's always been a fighter. She's always had a mind of her own (just ask her Auntie Sarah, who was the victim of Rylee cutting her own hair about three or four times on her watch, LOL). Rylee is strong-willed, smart, determined, and feisty. She's also very emotional and a perfectionist, something I struggled with growing up too. She wants to make other people happy, and one of my main goals as her mom is to guide her in ways to do what is right and she believes is the best choice, without caring so much what other people think. I know what it's like to live as a people pleaser, and I don't want that for my kid. 

This morning, Rylee asked me to print something for her for school. I, of course, read what she asked me to print, because that's part of my printing service, right? Here's a snippet of what I got to read today, which just set me up for a wonderful day. 

"My mom is the person that understands me the most, and has really been with me since day one. I had a semi rocky childhood, and didn’t have a solid father figure in my life until I was about 5 years old. I also had heart surgery during this time, so there was a lot on my mom’s plate between having twin kids without a partner in crime. My mom is the strongest person I know, and she has gone through so much shit thrown at her in life. I appreciate every little thing she has done for me throughout the years and continuing on, and what things she had to sacrifice in order to give me a life that she felt that I was worthy of. I really cannot put into words how much love I have for my mom, and what she truly means to me."

Gut. Punch. 

Parenting can be the most exhausting, thankless, grueling grind in the world. 

But then there are moments like this, when I know every tear I've cried along this journey has meant something. It's impacted my girl in a way that hopefully shows her that with grit and determination, you can get through anything in life. And that for the people you love, you will sacrifice and make hard decisions and sometimes it's a learning curve, but we all get there eventually if we have that goal in mind. 

Ry, if you're reading this, I cannot tell you in words how proud I am of you, and how much I love the person that you are becoming. I'm the luckiest mom in the world to get a front row seat to your life, and I hope you know that I would take a bullet for you any day of the week. You are my favorite girl in the whole world, and I'm so grateful you are mine. 

Keep kicking ass, keep caring about people (but not letting them control you or your emotions) and keep showing up for the people and things that matter in your life. I adore you. 

2010

2023

I've Decided to Stop Punishing Myself...You Should Too

 It's been a minute since I've blogged. Life has been busy and full, which I'm grateful for. Sure, some days, my job doesn't feel like I'm doing what I should be doing in life. Human resources can be a grind, dealing with emotional situations and people all day can be exhausting, especially for an introvert. But at the end of the day, I'm grateful for it for many different reasons. Today was a good day at work. Some days, not so much. But part of being an adult and a human being is growing and learning and figuring out what fits and what doesn't. At least that's the stage I find myself in, as a sober, getting-healthier, educated woman who also happens to be a wife and mom and seeks flexibility in my career while still earning a decent living. 

Today was a not so great day in the pain department. You see, dear friends, I've decided to get laser tattoo removal on my fairly large chest pieces, roses with a quote from Buffy the Vampire Slayer underneath one of the roses. It is the most pain I have felt in my life. I've given birth, I've had surgeries, I've had gall stones. And this laser tattoo removal is the most pain I've ever experienced. It doesn't last long (trust me, I count my way through and each side takes about 90 seconds give or take) but it is so painful that my whole body is tense for about an hour afterwards, and then I'm exhausted. The adrenaline is pumping so much because of the pain, then my body basically crashes afterwards. 

I was texting a friend today, who also happens to be sober (our sober-versaries are days apart which is pretty cool), and I told her that I think some of my commitment to this process of laser tattoo removal is because I'm punishing myself for some of the bad choices I made when I chose to try to escape my life and reality versus living in it and working through the hard feelings. I know for a fact that alcohol provided that escape for many, many years, and for a good chunk of time in my late twenties and early thirties, tattoos also provided that escape. The same adrenaline rush that I describe with the laser removal process can be said of getting a tattoo (just on a less intense level than the removal). 

I don't think I've ever really admitted that to myself before. That my commitment to reversing some of the choices I made is an effort to punish myself, to make myself pay consequences for my bad choices. I would have never come to that realization if I wasn't sober. 

I told my husband about this when I got home from my laser appointment today. That I had come to this realization earlier, and I think as a result of my impulsive decisions in the past, and an effort to always mask sadness or boredom or unfulfillment with SOMETHING (alcohol, tattoos, attention from boys when I was a teenager, whatever), I have now turned that into a way to cause myself pain. 

I'm not sure what to do with this, other than to recognize it, accept it, and decide to stop doing it to myself. Who cares if I have tattoos I don't love? A lot of people deal with things on their body that they don't love, right? I can wear long-sleeves and high-collar shirts during work meetings, and otherwise, I can just live my life with half-lasered tattoos. It won't kill me. And maybe in 10 years there will be another solution to getting these things removed that doesn't hurt so damn bad. Photo below so you can see I'm not being a baby, people. These little bubbles are blood blisters, and I can literally smell my skin burning and hear it popping when the laser hits the ink. 

So for now, I'm deciding to put this laser tattoo removal process on hold. Why? Because I don't deserve to continue to be punished for choices I made when I was influenced by an addictive, toxic substance and wasn't processing my feelings. I deserve to be able to say, I'm done with this process, and I'm ok with what that brings in terms of ugly tattoos on my chest. Maybe I'll change my mind in a few months and want to pick it back up (right now, I say definitely not but the pain is still very fresh today!). 

If you've been using something or someone to punish yourself for mistakes in your past, stop. You don't deserve that pain either. We are all capable of changing, becoming better versions of ourselves, and we deserve grace from ourselves when things don't fit or don't serve us anymore. 

The Smallest Gestures

 My husband, for any of you who haven't met him, is a man of few words and even fewer gestures of grandeur. He is as logical as I am emotional, and as dry and matter-of-fact as I am overly-sensitive and worried about how others perceive things. He grounds me, he keeps me from falling too far off the deep end of feelings and worry, and he is 100% more pragmatic, rational, and money-minded than I am. He's disciplined when it comes to most things - spending money, mowing the lawn, walking the dog (only Gunner, of course) and folding the sheets (a skill I have yet to master). 

Nick is my perfect match because of all of these things. We balance each other, and most importantly, we are aligned where it counts - prioritizing our kids and family life, having shared experiences instead of collecting "things" or fancy cars or clothes, and making memories with each other and our kids that will last a lifetime. He's not always expressive with how he feels, and when he has broken down emotionally when he lost his parents last year unexpectedly within two weeks of each other, or when he talks about losing his older brother or concerns about things happening to our own kids, I see the emotion that is sometimes not so apparent in the day-to-day of my life with him. It's all about the small gestures with him. 

The small gestures mean a lot to me, because one of my love languages is acts of service. Nick hates that phrase, because he makes it very clear that he is nobody's "servant". I'm not looking for servitude in terms of someone bringing me breakfast in bed and waiting on me hand and foot. That's not me. But I do love when someone loads or unloads the dishwasher for me. Or when we're road tripping to Las Vegas for Spring Break with our two younger boys, and he is fishing out the red and white gummy bears for me while I drive because I don't like the yellow ones. Small gestures go a long way, and after almost fifteen years together, he's learned what speaks to me and I (hopefully) have learned what matters to him and shows my appreciation for all that he does for our family. 

The little things matter, in love, and in life, and even in the workplace. I'm part of an organization now that frequently recognizes good work out loud and on paper, and also provides focused feedback which involves being part of difficult conversations. Those small acts, they matter. They have an impact.

On Oprah's website, she has a list of 35 acts of kindness. Small things, from "Saying good morning to a person next to you in the elevator" to "putting a coin in an expired meter." 

Imagine what lives you could impact today if you took a moment to show a small act of kindness. A small gesture of love or appreciation to someone who means something to you. I promise, it goes a long way. 

Reference: https://www.oprah.com/spirit/35-little-acts-of-kindness/all