Holiday Reflections

The holiday season brings lots of emotions for me - my anxiety doesn't always do well with the planning, the gift buying, the stress of extra financial burdens over the holidays from special meals and grocery store trips to gifts and activities to keep everyone smiling and ready for lots of together time with family and friends. This holiday season, we were hit with a variety of germ bugs - starting with a gnarly stomach flu for Jaxon and I the day after Thanksgiving, and then followed up by various coughs, colds, strep throat, and everything in between, all the way up until Christmas Eve. Seeing Christmas through the eyes of your kids makes the magic come alive, but when the youngest of our crew is sick, some of the magic is lost, because the older ones don't buy into all of the magic that they once did. They put on a happy face and take Santa pictures and go see Christmas lights, but it's different when they're 18 versus 8. 

Christmas Eve Church Service

Santa pictures!

Still, we managed to all make it through Christmas Eve church service (always a gamble if this will go smoothly since it requires four kids being quiet, not poking at each other for an hour, and holding a lit candle for several minutes thanks to our church's candlelight moment tradition. That one always makes me cringe a little, I can just picture one of my kids setting the person in front of them hair on fire, or dropping a lit candle on the carpeted floor. Anxiety is on high alert for that hour, that's for sure!

The holiday season is one where I can look back and reflect on what this time of year used to look like. I remember Christmas Eves where I was so stressed out I would start drinking in the afternoon and not stop until I fell into a fitful sleep, full of anxiety, guilt, worry, and self-loathing. I remember Christmas Days where I was so hungover I had a hard time functioning throughout the day, and would often be emotional and upset about the littlest things because I was abusing my body, and creating more stress and anxiety for myself by using alcohol to cope with all of the emotions. I'm so grateful to not be in that place anymore, and to be fully present for the holidays. 

Sitting back and appreciating the little things - watching The Grinch with Jaxon, decorating the tree with the boys, and watching how much Micah enjoys the decorating and Christmas spirit makes my heart happy. Seeing Rylee gift her little brothers with the sweetest experience-days and just loving being able to give her loved ones gifts makes me so proud, and grateful that she is such a generous kid. Watching Lucas join in the Santa conversations and celebrate the day with all of us, including the youngest member of our Christmas Day crew (4-year-old Ryder) makes my heart happy. Celebrating Christmas Day with most of my favorite people all in one space - it's absolutely priceless and such an incredible gift. I'm lucky to have my Grandma in my life, and we were able to spend some time with her this holiday season as well. Just a few more months and I bet Micah will be taller than her (he's working on passing me up too). These moments with family make all of the stress and preparation and financial extras worth it. But that's not to say it isn't exhausting - because it is! 

At the end of the day, I am so blessed. I chose a word this year - AUTHENTICITY. Writing my book, having it published (I received my first check from my publisher, and as Micah and Rylee said - "Mom, this is real. You wrote a book!" - pretty cool feeling, I must say), pursuing a new certification to further my career, watching my oldest kids turn 18 and officially become adults, being my real self even if that means disappointing others sometimes, saying no and having boundaries, and truly falling in love with my husband again as the most authentic version of myself - it's all happened this year. 2024 was truly a year of authenticity, clarity, and getting back to myself. 

As we near the end of this year, I am so grateful to have had this holiday season (germs and all!) with my family, and having quiet moments to reflect on this past year and appreciate all of the things in my life brings me to my final holiday reflection of this season - I am truly blessed.