Making an Impact - Size Actually Doesn't Matter

 The past month has been one of the more stressful of recent years (do I say that a lot? I really mean it this time). Last year saw all of the senior activities as the twins were getting ready to graduate from high school. Even if I wasn't actually participating, the mama bear in me wanted to make sure they didn't miss out (even though Rylee definitely had a higher participation rate than Lucas by choice). Making the transition to teach at the university this past fall was a huge, but positive, change for me. Although the logistics of it aren't always easy, and I have missed some things I would have liked to not miss for my little guys, I know that overall it is the right decision for me, even if that's for a season and not forever. 

I was talking to my bestie the other day (that's Nicholas, for those of you who haven't caught up here) and I, of course, cried while trying to explain that even though this has been a dream for 20+ years to teach the subject that I was so passionate about in my own college experience, it's not easy. Missing Micah's first middle school honor roll assembly was so hard. I felt guilty (still do) even though I hear in his voice how proud he is of me being a professor and seeing that I'm doing something I really enjoy. I was explaining to Nicholas how hard that part is, but that there are too many signs pointing to the fact that this is what I'm supposed to be doing right now. The path to move over to teaching at the university full-time is very narrow and unlikely. I spoke to another professor who has been there for 20-ish years, and she teaches two classes each semester, by choice. She worked another job for a good chunk of her time as a professor, and said to just stay the course and take on what feels right to me and not rush anything. So that's what I'm going to try to do, as difficult as it is for me to let destiny or fate or God take the reins. I'm a person who likes to know what's coming, I need to be in control of things (everything in my home has a place, and I like to be able to see what's coming down the road with work and life in general). But that's not the answer right now. The answer is to find peace and SERENITY (that word of the year popping back up again) in the now. 

The idea of making an impact has always been important to me. For a long time, I found my impact in parenting my own kids and then in working with Olive Crest as a host family. While I love the mission of Olive Crest and the idea of being a host family, the emotional toll that it started to take on us as a family was too much. So now, I'm thinking about other ways to have purpose and make an impact. My day-to-day HR job does allow me in small ways to impact our employees, but just in one semester of teaching (and about a month into my second semester of teaching), I have seen glaring examples of how I am making an impact, even if I do not see it in the moment. Just yesterday, a student from one of my classes this semester came to see me during my office hours because she had an accident a week or two ago and missed a couple of classes as a result. I talked to her about getting special accommodations if need be, and reassured her that I'll do what I can to help her navigate this situation. Her eyes welled up with tears, and I felt her gratitude and hope that things might work out okay despite this wrench in her plans. That touched me deeply. 

I also have seen four of my students from last semester over the last couple of weeks. And I shared with my other bestie, who I happened to give birth to 19.5 years ago, how it's pretty crazy that on a campus of over 40,000 students I bumped into 4 of my 45 students from last semester. And they all recognized me and said hello and asked how I was before I could say a word. 

I feel like that's impact. That's purpose. That's making a difference.

And although the logistics are a little stressful at times, I'm grateful that I am in this position and I am committed to SERENITY this year and letting things happen how they are meant to - because when I let go of the reins a bit, things seem to work out just as they should. 

 

Leading with Love

 This past week was the most stressful I've experienced in a long time. There were a lot of nerves about starting a new semester as well as my "regular" job company meeting in Los Angeles for a couple of days. I've learned over the past year that I really love my home, and I really love my family, which makes it a bit more difficult to travel for work or without them. Although I was a ball of nerves all day on Tuesday leading up to my first day of classes on Wednesday, the day went smoothly for the most part (thanks to Fast Track on the 91 freeway for decreasing my stress levels at least for that first morning drive into OC) and I arrived to the company meeting Wednesday evening. We all work 100% remotely, with some employees traveling more for company visits, workshops, and trainings. So this once-a-year "all hands" meeting in January has been something I've attended the past three years since I started there in January 2024. Each year, it's been a little less stressful, as I am getting more comfortable with myself and more confident in what I bring to the table - thanks in large part to my sobriety, my improving physical health, and my recently acquired gig as a college professor. 

To my (somewhat) surprise, I was presented with one of our annual company awards at the meeting on Thursday, and I was able to speak to one of the leaders of the company about sobriety, goal-setting, and intentions. Her guidance, insight, and straightforward approach to chasing the things that matter was one of the most meaningful conversations I've had about my career, ever. About a dozen of us spent an hour the morning of Thursday walking a couple miles in Marina del Rey, seeing the water and the sunrise and meditating to start our day. It was a great couple of days, and it made me even more grateful for my home and my family after spending a couple days away. 

Lots of emotions have gone through my body over the past 72 hours. Anxiety, nervousness, confidence, uncertainty, certainty, appreciation, gratitude, and exhaustion are just a few. But I think the biggest lesson I'm walking away with is this - we can do all things with love instead of hate, compassion instead of envy, and gratitude instead of disappointment. 

One of the things I'm most grateful about with my current employer (not the college, the "regular job") is the way several of the leaders (including the one noted above and the CEO) approach success and growth. They applaud my pursuit of other professional opportunities even if it means that ultimately leads me away from my current role. They encourage and support and lead with love. One of our assignments leaving the company meeting in LA was to make the day of someone else with generosity. Our CEO gave each attendee of the meeting an envelope with $100 in it. We were tasked with giving that money away to someone who could benefit from it (non-family). I was able to pass that love and generosity onto someone who has been a huge impact on my oldest two kids for the past few years. No matter where I am professionally in five years, I have no doubt that I will remember that experience, this company, and the progress I've made as a human being because of my decision to surrender to sobriety, to let go of the need to control every aspect of my life, and to lead with love above all else. 

Morning walk in Marina del Rey with coworkers

My oldest two kiddos and their boss leading with love:)

Company Award Winners 2025

Marina del Rey, CA

Words Matter

 Words. Words can be weaponized to hurt other people, or utilized to build people up. Words can be powerful, both written and verbally. I've always been drawn to words - memorizing Bible verses in elementary school for church, writing poems in junior high and high school, and blogging and writing books in adulthood. When I was in high school, I wanted to become a journalist. Then when I got to college, I wanted to be an author and a college professor. The power of words has always been felt in my world, and I think that makes me more tuned in to how words affect other people, because they have always mattered a lot to me. 

Word of the year for me is SERENITY, and Rylee chose ALIGNMENT. She's been through some ups and downs over the past six months, and I'm really proud of how she's navigated things and continues to carry herself. She is also someone with whom words matter - and the delivery of words coming from someone who is more rational and direct versus someone who is more empathetic and tuned in to the feelings of others can drastically differ. I'm trying to teach her that words do matter, but the only thing we can control when it comes to how others choose their words (or delivery of those words) is how we react to them. It's a lesson I continue to learn each day.

In my "regular" job, I attended a leadership virtual summit today and a few things that stood out to me were that along with words, intentions matter. When you lead from love, gratitude, and compassion, the people you work with will recognize that. When you lead from fear and control and intimidation, the people you work with will also recognize that - and likely try their best to avoid interacting with you because of how you lead. I think this lesson applies to what I'm trying to do in the classroom this semester with my college students as well. The words I say to them matter. The first couple years of college are all about finding your way, and figuring out what matters to you. I am hopeful that by creating a space of authenticity and welcoming, the students I interact with in the first half of 2026 will be better off in some way than when they walked in the classroom door on the first day. 

In the virtual summit today, one of the leaders asked what each of our goals were for 2026. 

My goal for 2026 is to have my words matter in all of my interactions - with students, colleagues at work, family, and friends. I want to positively impact those that I interact with, and be a light for the students who might not have another source of positivity pouring into them. 

Gratitude for 2025 & Serenity in 2026

 It is New Year's Eve. In less than 12 hours, it will be the start of a brand new year. I've made a tradition of either choosing a word of the year or creating a vision board for the past several years. In either 2019 or 2020, my word was GRACE. I was at a point in my life where I truly needed to show myself grace to get through the day-to-day of raising kids (2 in preschool at the time). In 2023, I chose VICTORY. That year, I did finally get victory over several things - my severe obesity, addiction to coping with hard feelings by drinking alcohol far too often, and victory in finding a new job. In 2024, I chose AUTHENTICITY. That was the year I published Out of the Fog, and started thinking about applying (again) to become a college professor. I also learned how to be authentically myself without apologizing for the way my decisions might affect others, if my intention and true authentic self knew why that was the right choice for me. In 2025, I did not choose a word, but instead created vision boards with Rylee (or did we do that to start out 2024?). But, looking back, 2025's unofficial year was PURPOSE. I am finally in a position where I know my career purpose (whether that means teaching one class a semester or five a semester at some point). So that brings us to today. The last day of 2025. The two words I was considering are PURPOSE and SERENITY. Since I feel like I already chased PURPOSE and even fulfilled it in a lot of ways in 2025, I am choosing SERENITY as my word for 2026. 

While there are definitely some sobriety connections to SERENITY, I am choosing it more for the definition below. A calm sense of peace. Protecting my peace has become a huge priority for me. I do not want to engage in drama or heightened emotions just for the sake of it. I want to live in my authentic trust, and surround myself with genuine people while pursuing my passion and purpose in life. That's what SERENITY means for me in 2026. 

Are you choosing a word of the year? What will it be? 

As we closed out 2025, we did take a stab at a new tradition in our household. The gratitude jar. It produced a few funny grateful sticky notes, and a lot of really heartfelt and memorable ones. I think this might be something we do every few years just to remind all of us to take a minute and be grateful. Have you done something like this with your family? If not, I highly suggest giving it a try. You need a jar of some sort, sticky notes, and a pen. I left ours out in a common area so it would hopefully remind people to write down their gratitude every so often. 

Now, for the biggest test. Try to read some of the writing on these notes! 

Feeling Big in a Broken World

 

I feel everything a little bigger than other people, or so I'm told. This can be a blessing and a curse, because the joys are super joyful and the sadness is very sad. This past few months has been so wonderful being able to teach a college class. I officially completed my first semester as a professor. All final papers have been graded, and semester grades have been submitted.  I'm also working on the finishing touches for a new book that I'll be publishing in 2026. It's a culmination of the work I did on my thesis almost two decades ago, which never came to completion because I switched to another option to complete my graduate program when I was pregnant with the twins. I'm super proud of that project, and grateful to have been given the opportunity to live out my dream of being a college professor. 

With that comes a look ahead to the spring semester. I was tentatively offered three classes to teach in spring, but due to low enrollment, I'm going to teach either one or two instead. I'm sad because I was excited to teach three (one online and two in-person) but now it looks like I'll have to wait a semester or two for the online option since others in the department have more seniority than I do. But the low enrollment makes me think about the state of our world and how different factors are affecting this next generation of young adults moving forward with their lives. I think it's just an incredibly sad and scary time for a lot of people, and even though the initial news of teaching less classes bummed me out, I'm trying to stay positive and be hopeful that I am assigned two classes - still progress from last semester and movement in the right direction for me. 

Any major change or potential change can affect me emotionally in ways that it might not impact others. So this has been an emotion-filled week with the completion of my first semester as a professor, finishing touches on my book project, news about spring semester, and then also celebrating 15 years of marriage and getting ready for the holidays.

Which is why I'm especially thankful for the small things - like this heart-shaped leaf on my walk while Micah was at basketball practice earlier this week. 

And why I wanted to share these thoughts and encourage you all to enjoy the small moments too. 

Gratitude & Growth

 Thanksgiving, I'm realizing, is a tough month for me. There are great things about November - sometimes we get a cool, breezy day, and it's my twinsies' birthday and we have a day of family and gratitude when we all gather for Thanksgiving. The twins' birthday is one of my favorite days of the year, but it also brings its own heavy emotions. No matter how much time passes, if you create a child with someone, their unwillingness to prioritize those children in the same way that you have for 19+ years is a heavy thing. It's sad, it's unfortunate, it's ugly. Although I could not love those crazy twins more, it hurts that the person who created them with you does not show up for them in the same way (or any way, to be blunt). So that is a weight I carry around for a few weeks, which brings on some feelings and I have to work through those. I've learned (thankfully) better ways to work through them, and new projects to focus on to get me through those harder days. One such project is reviewing and revising my almost-thesis into a potential new publication. A labor of love, a full circle moment (I wrote most of this when I was pregnant with the twins), and something I can be proud of despite the time it took to get to this point. I think that can be a metaphor for a lot of experiences in life.

Thanksgiving is also a time to reflect on all that we are grateful for. I have two enormous pieces of my life that I am incredibly grateful for this year. So I wanted to share those with all of you. First, of course, this beautiful crew of kids that I brought into the world and that make me proud, crazy, full of love, and sometimes full of stress, but they are the heart and soul of me and all that I strive to do in this world. They are my why, forever and always. I'm also grateful that two of my kids (one from each "group" if you will because of the age gap between my two sets of babies) have found a shared passion and something they like to do together. Here's Micah (11) and Lucas (19) in Big Bear a week or so ago, and then, with a full heart, I share my favorite Christmas tradition with all of you - the Santa photo. Third is me and Nicholas - this guy can be prickly, let me tell you. Warmth is not a word I would use to describe him in most settings. He's the calm, rock solid, realistic point of view one in this relationship FOR SURE. But he can also be warm and affectionate when one of us needs that (we just usually have to vocalize that it's what we need because it doesn't come naturally to him). He's authentically himself and he makes no apologies for that (sometimes to my discomfort in group settings, but he is who he is, and I love him for it). He has truly been the best balance to my highs and lows of emotions and feelings and reactions. He's the calm to my storm, no doubt. 

The second piece of my life that I am incredibly grateful for is the opportunity to teach college students in a subject I love, and have an impact on these young adults as they are starting out their journey. These messages came from two of my students this semester, along with a couple verbal messages of "this was my first semester, and you were my favorite professor" and "thank you for making this class interesting and fun" as they walked out the door for our final class meeting last week. I'm looking forward to 45 essays to grade in the next week or two, and just feel so blessed to be here in this spot. It is truly a testament to the power of dreams, the payout for staying the course, and the reward for choosing a life of authenticity, purpose, and passion however that looks for each of us. 

Impossible Expectations & The Invisible Load

 Sometimes I wonder why the hell I chose HR as a career. "Chose" is a strong word for what sort of just evolved from a position in accounting and operations to leading a brand new HR function very early on in my career. But, here I am 20+ years later, still doing HR and also teaching. Two things that are arguably very much like motherhood. 

Stay with me here...I promise there's a point.

On social media, if you follow any "mom" accounts, you've likely seen posts about the "invisible load" or the "default parent" and what comes along with that. Essentially, there is always one parent who becomes the default - whether that's because they are the one that is home (working from home or stay-at-home parent, the details don't matter as much) or the one that will call out sick if a kid needs to be home for any one of the millions of reasons kids (and schools) find for them to be home. This default parent carries an invisible load of responsibilities - from actual tasks, appointments, forms to fill out, parent/teacher communication to respond to, extracurricular chauffeur duties to picking up supplies for those last minute school projects. Those "invisible" responsibilities can feel like they weigh a ton, especially when this default parent is also doing the heavy lifting with household chores, shopping for holidays and birthdays, making sure everyone has clothes and shoes that fit and clean laundry and (somewhat) clean rooms and bathrooms to live in, and food to eat. 

It. Is. Exhausting.

Now, do not get me wrong. My husband does take the boys to their dentist appointments if I'm teaching in Orange County that day. He does take Micah on various adventures. Jaxon does not like to participate in those adventures so even on a day that should be "mine" or a "day off" of mom duties, I often find myself still with one or two kids to worry about. This is not a rant about what my husband does or does not do. I would still argue that I carry about 80% of the emotional load of our kids, plus well over half the "invisible load" duties noted above. If you asked Nick, he'd say that's because I want to, or I like to be involved, or I would ask questions and take over if I wasn't the one doing it anyway. All of that might be true, but what I'm talking about here is the emotional, unseen weight of everyone else's emotions and worries always being on my shoulders. No one else carries those burdens. And again, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying my kids are burdens. I'm saying the invisible load, the stuff you don't see that keeps me up at night anxious and worrying, that's the stuff that's weighing me down on more days than I would care to admit. And that does not stop just because one of my kids is out of the house, and one is an "adult" in every legal sense of the word. They are "baby adults" and still require a lot of my attention and mom worry. 

Which brings me to my point (I think). I read an article today posted by our Chief Strategy Officer at one of my places of employment. And it struck me how similar HR is to motherhood. The article states,

"The concern is the impossible expectations placed on HR as a function. HR is being asked to transform organizations, protect people, guard the brand, interpret data, redesign workflows, deliver speed, and soften every impact for the workforce. No function can do all of that while also serving as the emotional cushion for every uncomfortable moment. The environment is too volatile and the responsibilities are too contradictory."

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/shrm-forcing-reckoning-hr-jessica-kriegel-u9aze/

Holy realization.

I am doing the work at work that I also do at home. If you replace "HR" in the quote above with "Moms" and "organizations or workplaces" with "kids and home) a lot of the same stuff applies. Impossible expectations. Being asked to transform, softening the impact, redesigning, interpreting...I do that shit all the time between a kid and my husband or between two kids. 

"No function can do all of that while also serving as the emotional cushion for every uncomfortable moment."

That could quite literally be the tagline for motherhood - doing all of the things while serving as the emotional cushion. That's me in a nutshell. 

So that leaves me with one question.

How do we do better for moms in our circles? How do we support one another and make the situation a little less impossible? How do we stop setting crushing expectations and making moms feel guilty when they want to go get a pedicure or take a nap or read a book without being interrupted 18 times? 

I have no fucking clue. 

It is what it is, until someone (or a lot of someones) changes it.