Feeling Big in a Broken World

 

I feel everything a little bigger than other people, or so I'm told. This can be a blessing and a curse, because the joys are super joyful and the sadness is very sad. This past few months has been so wonderful being able to teach a college class. I officially completed my first semester as a professor. All final papers have been graded, and semester grades have been submitted.  I'm also working on the finishing touches for a new book that I'll be publishing in 2026. It's a culmination of the work I did on my thesis almost two decades ago, which never came to completion because I switched to another option to complete my graduate program when I was pregnant with the twins. I'm super proud of that project, and grateful to have been given the opportunity to live out my dream of being a college professor. 

With that comes a look ahead to the spring semester. I was tentatively offered three classes to teach in spring, but due to low enrollment, I'm going to teach either one or two instead. I'm sad because I was excited to teach three (one online and two in-person) but now it looks like I'll have to wait a semester or two for the online option since others in the department have more seniority than I do. But the low enrollment makes me think about the state of our world and how different factors are affecting this next generation of young adults moving forward with their lives. I think it's just an incredibly sad and scary time for a lot of people, and even though the initial news of teaching less classes bummed me out, I'm trying to stay positive and be hopeful that I am assigned two classes - still progress from last semester and movement in the right direction for me. 

Any major change or potential change can affect me emotionally in ways that it might not impact others. So this has been an emotion-filled week with the completion of my first semester as a professor, finishing touches on my book project, news about spring semester, and then also celebrating 15 years of marriage and getting ready for the holidays.

Which is why I'm especially thankful for the small things - like this heart-shaped leaf on my walk while Micah was at basketball practice earlier this week. 

And why I wanted to share these thoughts and encourage you all to enjoy the small moments too. 

Gratitude & Growth

 Thanksgiving, I'm realizing, is a tough month for me. There are great things about November - sometimes we get a cool, breezy day, and it's my twinsies' birthday and we have a day of family and gratitude when we all gather for Thanksgiving. The twins' birthday is one of my favorite days of the year, but it also brings its own heavy emotions. No matter how much time passes, if you create a child with someone, their unwillingness to prioritize those children in the same way that you have for 19+ years is a heavy thing. It's sad, it's unfortunate, it's ugly. Although I could not love those crazy twins more, it hurts that the person who created them with you does not show up for them in the same way (or any way, to be blunt). So that is a weight I carry around for a few weeks, which brings on some feelings and I have to work through those. I've learned (thankfully) better ways to work through them, and new projects to focus on to get me through those harder days. One such project is reviewing and revising my almost-thesis into a potential new publication. A labor of love, a full circle moment (I wrote most of this when I was pregnant with the twins), and something I can be proud of despite the time it took to get to this point. I think that can be a metaphor for a lot of experiences in life.

Thanksgiving is also a time to reflect on all that we are grateful for. I have two enormous pieces of my life that I am incredibly grateful for this year. So I wanted to share those with all of you. First, of course, this beautiful crew of kids that I brought into the world and that make me proud, crazy, full of love, and sometimes full of stress, but they are the heart and soul of me and all that I strive to do in this world. They are my why, forever and always. I'm also grateful that two of my kids (one from each "group" if you will because of the age gap between my two sets of babies) have found a shared passion and something they like to do together. Here's Micah (11) and Lucas (19) in Big Bear a week or so ago, and then, with a full heart, I share my favorite Christmas tradition with all of you - the Santa photo. Third is me and Nicholas - this guy can be prickly, let me tell you. Warmth is not a word I would use to describe him in most settings. He's the calm, rock solid, realistic point of view one in this relationship FOR SURE. But he can also be warm and affectionate when one of us needs that (we just usually have to vocalize that it's what we need because it doesn't come naturally to him). He's authentically himself and he makes no apologies for that (sometimes to my discomfort in group settings, but he is who he is, and I love him for it). He has truly been the best balance to my highs and lows of emotions and feelings and reactions. He's the calm to my storm, no doubt. 

The second piece of my life that I am incredibly grateful for is the opportunity to teach college students in a subject I love, and have an impact on these young adults as they are starting out their journey. These messages came from two of my students this semester, along with a couple verbal messages of "this was my first semester, and you were my favorite professor" and "thank you for making this class interesting and fun" as they walked out the door for our final class meeting last week. I'm looking forward to 45 essays to grade in the next week or two, and just feel so blessed to be here in this spot. It is truly a testament to the power of dreams, the payout for staying the course, and the reward for choosing a life of authenticity, purpose, and passion however that looks for each of us. 

Impossible Expectations & The Invisible Load

 Sometimes I wonder why the hell I chose HR as a career. "Chose" is a strong word for what sort of just evolved from a position in accounting and operations to leading a brand new HR function very early on in my career. But, here I am 20+ years later, still doing HR and also teaching. Two things that are arguably very much like motherhood. 

Stay with me here...I promise there's a point.

On social media, if you follow any "mom" accounts, you've likely seen posts about the "invisible load" or the "default parent" and what comes along with that. Essentially, there is always one parent who becomes the default - whether that's because they are the one that is home (working from home or stay-at-home parent, the details don't matter as much) or the one that will call out sick if a kid needs to be home for any one of the millions of reasons kids (and schools) find for them to be home. This default parent carries an invisible load of responsibilities - from actual tasks, appointments, forms to fill out, parent/teacher communication to respond to, extracurricular chauffeur duties to picking up supplies for those last minute school projects. Those "invisible" responsibilities can feel like they weigh a ton, especially when this default parent is also doing the heavy lifting with household chores, shopping for holidays and birthdays, making sure everyone has clothes and shoes that fit and clean laundry and (somewhat) clean rooms and bathrooms to live in, and food to eat. 

It. Is. Exhausting.

Now, do not get me wrong. My husband does take the boys to their dentist appointments if I'm teaching in Orange County that day. He does take Micah on various adventures. Jaxon does not like to participate in those adventures so even on a day that should be "mine" or a "day off" of mom duties, I often find myself still with one or two kids to worry about. This is not a rant about what my husband does or does not do. I would still argue that I carry about 80% of the emotional load of our kids, plus well over half the "invisible load" duties noted above. If you asked Nick, he'd say that's because I want to, or I like to be involved, or I would ask questions and take over if I wasn't the one doing it anyway. All of that might be true, but what I'm talking about here is the emotional, unseen weight of everyone else's emotions and worries always being on my shoulders. No one else carries those burdens. And again, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying my kids are burdens. I'm saying the invisible load, the stuff you don't see that keeps me up at night anxious and worrying, that's the stuff that's weighing me down on more days than I would care to admit. And that does not stop just because one of my kids is out of the house, and one is an "adult" in every legal sense of the word. They are "baby adults" and still require a lot of my attention and mom worry. 

Which brings me to my point (I think). I read an article today posted by our Chief Strategy Officer at one of my places of employment. And it struck me how similar HR is to motherhood. The article states,

"The concern is the impossible expectations placed on HR as a function. HR is being asked to transform organizations, protect people, guard the brand, interpret data, redesign workflows, deliver speed, and soften every impact for the workforce. No function can do all of that while also serving as the emotional cushion for every uncomfortable moment. The environment is too volatile and the responsibilities are too contradictory."

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/shrm-forcing-reckoning-hr-jessica-kriegel-u9aze/

Holy realization.

I am doing the work at work that I also do at home. If you replace "HR" in the quote above with "Moms" and "organizations or workplaces" with "kids and home) a lot of the same stuff applies. Impossible expectations. Being asked to transform, softening the impact, redesigning, interpreting...I do that shit all the time between a kid and my husband or between two kids. 

"No function can do all of that while also serving as the emotional cushion for every uncomfortable moment."

That could quite literally be the tagline for motherhood - doing all of the things while serving as the emotional cushion. That's me in a nutshell. 

So that leaves me with one question.

How do we do better for moms in our circles? How do we support one another and make the situation a little less impossible? How do we stop setting crushing expectations and making moms feel guilty when they want to go get a pedicure or take a nap or read a book without being interrupted 18 times? 

I have no fucking clue. 

It is what it is, until someone (or a lot of someones) changes it.  

Changing the Narrative

What a crazy past couple of months, friends! I have been a college professor for two months now, and I feel as though I have found my purpose. Of course, I view my role as mom to my little monster crew as my biggest purpose, but I have found my purposeful career path, and I am seeing things everyday that make me appreciate where I am now. Protecting my peace has become my top priority. And as a recovering people-pleaser, that is not easy to do. I have to wake up every morning with a renewed sense of why this is of utmost importance - I simply cannot fill from an empty cup. I need to be 100% me and that allows me to impact other people in a positive way. 

Teaching a college course to 90% freshman has been an interesting experience. There have been small wins and rewards along the way - the other day after class, I chatted with a young lady who was sharing her thoughts on her future goals, and I was able to offer her advice. I have always felt a tug in my heart to help with children who aren't mine. I thought about volunteering at our church's high school youth group several times. I always loved chatting with my twins' friends about their future and goals. I now know that the opportunity to teach at my alma mater university in a subject area that I have always been passionate about, has also opened doors for me to impact teenagers and young adults, and that has been one of the brightest silver linings thus far. 

I was offered three classes to teach this coming semester. It is a tentative offer based on enrollment numbers, but to go from one class this semester to potentially three next semester brings me so much joy. In fact, I was telling my husband a couple of weeks ago that my ideal would be to stay at my corporate job in a part-time capacity as I ramp up to teach full-time over the next few years. Turns out, I may have manifested that into reality if I do indeed get to teach three courses next spring. Fingers crossed! 

It's also been a huge learning curve and adjustment for me to navigate parenting adult children. Rylee is thriving in college, has a part-time job, and has adjusted really well to living on her own (with roommates that she's known since elementary school, so that definitely helps). She said to me the other day something like "who would have thought I'd be the one in our family to go off and live with no real adults. Not me!" Her authenticity, warmth, and drive to be the best version of herself inspires me everyday. My days are truly better whenever I get to see or talk to her, and that is still everyday in one form or another. She makes me proud, and I not only love her but I really like her as a human being. Lucas is also one of my favorite people in the world, but in different ways and for different reasons. Lucas challenges me - he pushes me to take a deep breath and think about things rationally and then share that perspective with him. He tends to be impulsive, but if he decides on something, he is 100% all-in. I admire that quality in him, even if it's the same quality that makes me worry - he's obsessively dedicated to the things he wants. Speaking of the things he wants...he's made a bit of a detour on his path post-high school. Which, to be clear, I am 100% fine with. I don't think any of us have everything figured out at 18. He's considering joining the Air Force, which is scary and respectable and probably would be super beneficial to him in the long run. As a mom, it's terrifying. As someone who wants Lucas to succeed in life and be able to apply his insanely intelligent and driven traits to a goal, it seems like a really great option. 

At every new stage of life, there are obstacles and there are celebrations. There is sadness, and there is joy. I'm beyond grateful that my life today is filled with potential. I am relishing in the moments of joy and celebration, and protecting my peace by staying in my lane (surrendering to the things I cannot control) and knowing what is mine to take and shape and make a difference with. Changing the narrative of my life from one of being stuck and broken to chasing dreams and showing up authentically for myself and others has been a complete game changer. Now here I am manifesting things that I prayed for, and walking onto a college campus I know very well, but on the different side of the podium. Sometimes, it feels surreal. Always, it feels incredible.  

When Dreams Become Reality

 

What do we do when our dreams become a reality? The Jenn from 10 years ago would have been frozen in fear. I would have self-sabotaged and created a way for the dream to stay just out of reach. Part of me wonders if I played a bigger role in not allowing myself to become a college professor 13 years ago when the opportunity first presented itself. I know my boss at the time was not willing to allow my schedule to shift, but could I have done something differently to still realize that dream? Maybe. Could I have stopped the efforts because I was scared and it was easier to let someone else be to blame, rather than me not making shit happen? Maybe. 

When I think about what my life looked like this past week compared to what it's looked like over the past twenty years, I feel like anything is possible if we are in the right headspace to receive whatever God or the universe is sending our way. Two years ago, I was offered a job with a nonprofit I had always wanted to work for. The first day I was supposed to be driving into the office, I had a horrific anxiety attack and gave up on that dream. I was scared. I was anxious. I was still depending on other things and people to fill my cup, rather than filling it on my own. I was a broken person. 

In two weeks and one day, I'll celebrate two years of sobriety. 

This week, I stepped into a university classroom as a professor. 

My world looks so different than it did two and a half years ago. 

At the beginning of 2023, I was broken. I had really hard conversations with my husband, thinking he was to blame for the sadness and failures in my life. I was ready to file for divorce. I needed (wanted) someone else to be responsible for where I had fallen short and broken promises to myself time and time again. I blamed him. I was drinking a lot to numb all of the feelings. I was not a present mom; I always loved my kids, but there were times when I simply just wasn't there for them like I am now, because I was unable to feel things that hurt too much. I had stayed in a job way too long because I liked the people I worked with but hated the work itself. It had no meaning, no depth. 

In February of 2023, my husband's parents both passed away unexpectedly, and within 11 days of each other's passing. I saw my husband as an entirely new person. He was vulnerable with me. He let me in. He trusted me to be there for him, even though I didn't trust myself. I gradually started to think that maybe there was more to life than what I had let it become. Maybe there was hope for our marriage, for our family to stay intact. Maybe I could be happy and not broken. 

Later that spring, I decided to have gastric bypass, and that really broke my world open. I saw reasons to stop drinking. I identified changes in myself, positive steps towards a healthier me. I honestly think part of the reason I had the surgery was so I could have a couple weeks off work, away from the tyrant of a boss that had taken over the company I had been working for the last six years. I saw a window, a cracked door, an escape. So I took it, and I slowly started making changes in all areas of my life.

My kids used to be scared of my reactions. I couldn't see it then, but I can see it now because they are no longer afraid of how I'll react. They trust me. They trust my love for them. They know I'm here for them, but that I also have my own goals I'm working towards. I'm not the mom they have to walk on eggshells around because I may crumble or crack at any moment. I'm someone solid they can lean on, anytime, for any reason. 

September 2023 - I stopped drinking for good. 

December 2023 - My husband and I have a solid marriage, supporting each other, and trying to let the hurts of the past stay where they belong - in the past. We start to rebuild. 

January 2024 - I start working for a company that values its people and growth. 

December 2024 - I start working directly under a supervisor who also values professional and personal growth, and shows that in the way he shows up for his direct reports. It changes my perspective on the work I'm doing in my corporate job. 

February 2025 - I reapply to teach college courses. 

June 2025 - My twins graduate high school. New chapters begin. 

July 2025 - I receive an email that there is an opportunity for me to teach a college course that fall. 

August 26, 2025 - I teach my first college course. I didn't die. No one threw eggs at me. 

August 28, 2025 - I actually get to teach. As a college professor. With a syllabus, and Power Point, and discussion groups happening. It's really here. 

August 29, 2025 - I apply to teach more college courses. I appreciate the everyday corporate job that pays the bills and I show up for that job just as much as my professor gig. It all matters. But keeping the door open to transition into teaching college courses full-time is the dream I'm chasing now. 

Two years. 

Completely different life. 

Grateful is an understatement. 

The First To Leave the Nest

 My Rylee Brooke has always been determined when she sets her mind to something. When she was a toddler, she often ran the show when it came to what the twins were doing. She had the big ideas, and she made sure Lucas followed the rules she set. As they grew up, they tended to stick to similar paths - the Health Academy in high school, soccer and volleyball and basketball as extracurriculars and a group of friends that intertwined for most of their high school experience. When we started talking about their plans after high school, I was unsure about whether they would end up in the same place, and curious about how it would all play out. 

In the end, Rylee decided college was her next step (to become a teacher) and Lucas is pursuing a different path as an EMT, paramedic and firefighter. That meant they would be living separately for the first time in almost 19 years. And it also meant at least one of them would no longer be living under my roof. We all know this day is coming as parents, but let me tell you, it hits a lot harder than you anticipate, even if you know it's coming for months and months ahead of time.

Rylee moved into her off-campus apartment this past Wednesday with three of her closest friends from our neighborhood. They went through elementary, middle, and high school together, and when a couple of them were considering the same college, they started looking into housing. I was a proponent of dorm life, knowing that they'd have rules and be under the watch (somewhat) of the university. And I was 100% in support of Rylee living at school if that's what she wanted to do, because I wish I had pursued that opportunity when I was in college. So I'm proud and happy for her, but also so sad to not see her car in front of the house when I pull up after dropping Micah and Jaxon off at school. It's a whole mixed bag of emotions, and at the end of the day, I am so incredibly proud of the person she is, and who she is becoming as she stretches her wings a bit. She's only a county away, so we'll see each other often, but it's not the same as knowing she's coming home every night (even if it's way past my bedtime when she walks in the door) or giving her a hug every day. 

Every single stage of parenting has surprised me. The infant stage is exhausting. The toddler stage is exhausting and frustrating because these little humans you created (or raised) are becoming their own people but they still can't do basic things to take care of themselves (although Rylee did take care of herself in more ways than one when she was 4 and 5 years old...namely random haircuts and folding laundry and writing to-do lists before she even knew how to spell). Then there's the elementary years and the stinky middle school years. To be honest, high school might have been my favorite, followed closely by the infant stage. Something about those book-end periods of parenting really grabbed my soul. I loved my babies as babies, and I really like them as teenagers/young adults. It's such an incredible blessing to watch them become people, and to love them not only as a parent, but just because they're amazing humans. 

I held it together the whole day on Wednesday, unpacking, hanging things up, and organizing with my girl. When it was time to say goodbye, I did my best to hold the emotions in, because I don't want to take away from any of her happiness in this new journey. But the tears started to fall and didn't stop for about 48 hours off and on. I just walk by her old room and feel her absence. I look out the front door and her car isn't in the usual spot, and I miss her. I even miss doing her laundry and picking up her room. She's just such a wonderful person, I'd honestly want to hang out with her even if she wasn't my kid. I can't wait to watch her soar and cheer her on as closely as she'll let me stand on the sidelines. If you're reading this, Ry, I am so blessed to be your mom. Thank you for letting me be a part of your journey, and know that you will always have a place to come home to, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to vent to, and someone to read your college essays if you want an extra set of eyes. I love you more than you will ever know, and I am always just a phone call, text, or FaceTime away. Keep chasing your dreams and making shit happen, kid. You'll always be my favorite girl. 

When the Universe Answers

 When I was working on my Master's degree in American Studies back in 2004, I had no idea that I'd become a mom to twins two years later, and a newly divorced woman at the ripe age of 26 just four years later. I absolutely loved my Master's degree program. I loved the environment, I loved the professors, I loved the learning and growing and stretching that happened. I had planned at that time to pursue a PhD so that I could teach at the collegiate level. Fast forward 21 years, and the universe has answered. A dream chased for decades is becoming a reality. Something I have wanted to do for more than half of my life is now at my fingertips and I feel all the feelings. Scared, anxious, nervous, excited, grateful...

When the universe answers us, it's not always in the way that we hope. When God answers prayers, it's not always the way we imagined it would be. Whether you believe in God or the universe or karma or whatever your "higher power" might be, I'm feeling exceptionally grateful today. Grateful for this opportunity. Grateful for family that supports me chasing my dreams. Grateful for my employer that is supportive of me chasing this dream and allowing me space for flexibility in scheduling my hours while still working my full-time "regular" job. Grateful for a husband that is not always loud about it, but is always on my team (even when I didn't realize it and fought him tooth and nail in our early years of marriage because I was so afraid to love someone again and be broken by it). Grateful for my oldest and dearest friend always being someone I can text randomly and say thank you for inspiring me to continue chasing my dreams. Just all the gratitude. 

I received an email last week that there was an opportunity to teach a college course in my area of studies two decades ago. I immediately got overwhelmed and started working on a letter to my employer requesting some flexibility for the 16-week semester that this will take place in. Then I got to work on a syllabus - creating one from scratch, scouring the samples I found online and using my foundation from two decades ago and those samples to create a timely approach to the syllabus that will guide this college course I'll be teaching in less than a month. I'm digging into the readings on my lunch break and in the evenings. I'm going to start creating notes for myself to guide my lesson plans and create assignments and build a course website (because it's 2025 so we all have a course website these days!). It's a lot of work, a lot of brainpower, and a lot of time management - but it's all in the effort to realize a dream I've had out in the universe for two decades. As Walt Disney is credited with saying, "If you can dream it, you can achieve it." 

Chase those dreams, friends. Be proud of your accomplishments - big and small. And when that knock comes to your door, or that phone call hits your desk, answer it. We will never know what could be if we don't do the uncomfortable things, and put it out there. The CEO of the company I work for is all about creating purpose and vision and goals. I am so grateful to be part of a company that supports its employees in achieving their goals, and can't wait to see what the next chapter brings.