Being enough

 My husband and I celebrated 12 years married yesterday. Sometimes it feels like 12 years is nothing, and other times it feels like 12 years is a lifetime. Marriage is 100% the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I have had two vastly different experiences with marriage. And I can tell you with certainty that the hardest things are often the ones that pay off the most in the end. 

Let me start with my first marriage. I got married when I was 19 years old (don't recommend) to my high school sweetheart (who wasn't always that sweet to me). We met when I was 16, and getting married at 19 is not something I would recommend to most people for a variety of reasons. I do not regret one minute of my time with him, because we created two of my very favorite human beings together. But I do advise my teenagers to not marry the first person they fall in love with on a regular basis. It's just not happily ever after for most people. I do know a few unicorns who met in high school just like we did and are still happily married. They are the exceptions, not the norm. I admire them beyond belief for being able to grow up together, something my first husband and I were not able to do once the twins were born and priorities needed to shift. 

I was with my first husband for just under 10 years. Our divorce was finalized about two months before my 26th birthday. The twins were 18 months old. It was a whirlwind of emotions and stress and chaos that probably would have looked a lot different if we were both ten years older when we met and split up. But again, no regrets because it got me to where I am today. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the ups and downs, the crushing emotions of that first love. The obsession with being next to that person all the time, the flutter of nerves with experiencing firsts together, and the realization that once I became a mom, the whole world shifted to be focused on these two little humans, not myself and not my partner (at least for the time being - that always shifts back and forth, there's an ebb and flow, but babies need you 100% of the time, and I was all-in for that role). But, I also don't miss the really low feelings of disappointment, betrayal, broken-heartedness, and absolute despair when our marriage crumbled. That was like a hurricane to my heart, and the only boy I'd ever loved was now my ex-husband, and oftentimes, my biggest challenge when it came to co-parenting and just co-existing in this new normal for us. There were so many feelings wrapped up in that one person, that I had a hard time opening up to anyone else for a very long time. I never wanted to experience that again. 

A little over a year after my first marriage was officially declared over by a court of law, I met my future (second) husband. The one that I couldn't have possibly appreciated before experiencing the whirlwind of my first love. This man was steady in a way that I had never known before. Sometimes what I view(ed) as void of emotions is actually a really thick wall of not letting emotions dictate his actions. Something I still have not mastered. My husband and I dated for about a year and then got engaged and were married three months later. So altogether, we knew each other for about 18 months before we were legally bound to each other. 18 months is not that long in the big scheme of things, and 18 months was not long enough for him to see all the ups and downs of someone who lives with depression and anxiety. We have struggled over the years with communication, but on days like yesterday, when we are able to just be and not have the stress of raising four kids and teaching them to be good humans, or paying bills and stretching things as far as they can go for a family of six to enjoy life and not just live it, those days are the ones that I hold close. Days like yesterday when we really didn't do anything crazy or new, but just were able to do some of our favorite things together without the rush of getting to somewhere, and just being us, was a great reminder of the man that I married, and the way that his presence just makes me feel safe. It's a comfortable love, a love that will last a lifetime. The first love, that one has a tendency to burn fast and crash hard. It took some time for me to accept this kind of love, the kind that I don't have to necessarily earn or beg for, but is just there, ready and willing with open arms when I need it. 

So today, as I think about the last twelve years being married to my best friend, and the ways that I have taken that relationship for granted or demanded it be more, I am grateful that it is what it is. That it doesn't demand more of me than I am able to give. That it doesn't require me to earn it, or prove myself worthy of it. I don't have to be anything other than myself, and that's enough. I am enough. And he reminds me of that whenever I'm willing to listen. 

Perfect timing

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11)

Being raised in a conservative(ish) Christian home (that ish is for you, Mom), there were certain expectations to behave in appropriate ways, to avoid cursing or punching your sibling or sneaking out, or other reckless and deviant behavior. I grew up going to church, and always believed in Jesus. But, of course, in true rebellious middle child fashion, I pushed what I knew to be true to the side, and often waged war within myself over who and what I was supposed to be. 

In this season of waiting that I was so frustrated by yesterday, I've found such joy in connecting with the ministry leader I wrote about a couple of weeks ago. I feel my bucket filling up, my soul rejoicing at the possibilities that are coming my way with working as part of a team who shares the same hopes and dreams for making a difference. It's like a meeting of kindred spirits when you find someone who is passionate about similar causes and shares a heart for the people that have always touched your soul in a special way. 

And, the cherry on top is that my involvement with this amazing organization allows me to use my creative writing muscle, something I miss so much in the day-to-day of my "regular" 9-5 job. Something I don't get to utilize often when I'm doing the mom thing or chauffeuring kids to volleyball or school or soccer or other activities. I can feel my heart leaping inside my chest, at the prospect of what this new path is opening up for me. 

I've been searching for awhile to fill a void, that passion project that I know I needed. I think I got in my own way a lot of the time, but no more! I am here for this. I am present and ready and engaged and so excited. I know that God does have a plan for me. He wants me to have hope, and even more, he wants me to inspire hope in others. He wants me to have a future, and prosper, and share His message and joy and love with others around me. 

My cup is full. So thankful for doors opening, even when others are shutting. So grateful for new people who could really change my life, and vice versa. Open to the possibilities, and excited for the changes coming. God's timing is always so much better than ours. It's His perfect timing. We just have to be open to it, and willing to step out in faith when it's time. 

Seasons of waiting

 The waiting is so incredibly hard for me. I like to complain (I say mostly in a joking way) that I never have a free minute to just sit still and relax. But in all honesty, I feel most valuable when I'm productive and making things happen and checking things off the to-do list. I'm a busy person, with four kids in sports, a full-time job, two dogs who like to fight like siblings, and I continue to think "what more can I take on? How can I fill my plate to capacity?". I am curently in the middle of a season of waiting, and it's so difficult for me! 

I've put some feelers out there to start volunteering with different organizations, and I'm excited to get involved somehow with foster care, aged out foster youth, or other organizations with a passion for this area. I have to put the brakes on myself sometimes, because I get so excited about something new, and want to dive right in, and instead of just being able to sit and CHILL, I start spinning my wheels looking for something else I can get caught up in. I think I'm so used to the busy-ness, that I can't function as well without it. And then, eventually, I just crash and burn, or fall asleep for 12 hours after a few months of running myself ragged. 

What is this? Why do I keep doing it to myself? Why can't I just sit and be content in the moment? Is it a generational thing? Is it a work ethic thing? Is it a side-effect of wanting to prove my worth to the people in my life, so I just hustle and don't stop? Is it a "keeping up with the Jones' mom thing" and wanting to out-mom everyone else? 

I wish I knew the answer. Because it's exhausting. Like a hamster on a wheel, and I can't get off the wheel. I can't stop moving, for fear that I might have to deal with some of my own "stuff" if I stop the chasing of other pursuits. 

I was recently told something really cool at my annual review at work. I was given positive feedback, and instead of being able to just take that compliment, I'm finding myself in chase mode today. Maybe it's a symptom of the holidays, of the busy schedules and chasing of events and things to do, and ways to bring the Christmas joy into our kids' lives. Seeing Christmas lights, finding Christmas activities, visiting Santa, different family Christmas events, and the list goes on....

Some day, when I grow up, I want to learn the subtle art of chilling out. Sitting back, relaxing, not having to fill my cup with something to drink to make the day more "fun", or busying myself with a housecleaning chore, an organizational project, or a clean-out of drawers and closets and general doing of things. 

Seasons of waiting are really difficult for an overachiever, a people-pleaser, an [overly] emotional person who feels all the things of the people around her, and this time of year is so tricky already. 

What do you do in your seasons of waiting to find peace and contentment with the spot you're in, rather than chasing the next exciting opportunity or event?