What if more isn't right?

 I started this blog a couple months ago with the intention of writing about the things that inspire me to do more, because I still believe that we are all made for more. But, I've got to be honest. This is hard. I have always, since I was a little girl, believed in helping others. My parents did foster care for years when I was growing up, and I always knew it was something I wanted to do. I talked to Nick about it before we got married, he knew the passion that I had to help kids in this way, and the reasons why. He knew my brother, who without foster care, I would never have been able to call my brother. So we decided together to become a host family through Olive Crest's Safe Families for Children program about a year after we got married. Over the years, it's been hard. Some kids tug at your heart strings, some of the biological parents aren't trying to get their stuff together, and so it's doubly hard to give the kids back when you know they are most likely going to struggle in more ways than one. But it's always been something on my heart. Something I wanted to do, and I wanted my kids to experience. The impact of my parents doing foster care when I was a kid has absolutely left a deep imprint on my heart. I wanted to give that to my kids also.

We took a long break from hosting kids through SF when Micah and Jaxon were born, and again about six months ago when it just became too much of a wedge in our family. My husband doesn't like the effects it has on me (or some of our kids) when a kid leaves, and I think he also doesn't like to open himself up to get attached and then have a kid leave. But one thing that is really hard for me is feeling like I am doing this all alone. I have the support of my parents, and usually my kids are very helpful and want to give back in this way too. But it's a weight that I carry on my own. It's a desire of my heart to make an impact on those less fortunate than us, especially kids. This seemed like the perfect way to do just that. But it's so exhausting, and I have four kids of my own who need me. I just feel so torn all the time about this. What if doing more, being made for more, pushing yourself to fulfill that "more" space, is actually tearing you apart? Or destroying your relationships? Or actually traumatizing your kids more than it is inspiring them to do more and be better? 

I am the queen of doing something, and immediately regretting it. I take on everything, and then am crushed by the weight of it. I don't want to do that anymore, but I don't know how to fulfill this purpose, to be living out my made for more, while still maintaining peace in my own home. What if more just isn't right for me? What if my more is actually something that I've been doing all along, in my own home, and I need to do it better? How could I have this burning passion for fostering, and it not be the right thing? 

We're hosting a little girl right now. She's 9-months-old.  And I feel like taking care of her has pulled me away from my own kids. I'm missing sports games, I'm cranky with them, and I'm just not as present as I'd like to be. But shouldn't there be a way to balance it all? If I had a willing partner, sure. But I don't. So does that mean my passion for foster care dies to keep my marriage on solid ground? I'm really sad and really feel stuck and alone in this mission. I know there are a million other people who do what I'm doing, and they do it as a team with their partner. I think back to the first couple of hostings that we did, and there was a different vibe. Maybe because we only had two kids then, and there was more energy and love and hope to go around. Maybe my more has changed. My way to give back to foster youth and my contributions maybe have changed? I just don't know anymore. The burden is so heavy t ocarry all alone, and the weight of feeling like I've failed is even heavier.