Changes

 Changes. Some of us hate them, while others (like my oldest friend for example) thrive on changes and even take jobs with "change" in the title. I think I'm somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. I get bored easily, so change is good for me in that regard, but I'm also an anxious person by nature, so change can induce anxiety and nerves. 

My life over the past month or so has been full of change. Job change, body change, diet change, lifestyle change, emotional change, it's run the gamut. It's funny how small changes over time can add up to big differences (as noted in the photo below...I hadn't realized the changes entirely in my own body until I printed these pictures side-by-side). We may not notice the tiny differences that occur from one day to the next, but when we add them all together, it can have a big impact. 

My stomach no longer looks like I'm carrying around a nine-month-old baby in there, so yay for that change! It's still not where I want it to be, but there's a lot of noticeable change in the side-by-side views in the photo above. In addition to tracking my physical changes and post-surgery experience on this blog, I'm keeping a hard copy journal (because hello, child of the '80s, I don't do everything digitally like these crazy Gen Z and Gen Alpha kids who live in my house) so I can add photos and my own notes and keep track of my progress there as well. 

So change can definitely be good!

Change can also be hard. Leaving the company I had worked for over six years was hard. I know now that it was the right decision, but it was a hard decision to come to, and the change has been difficult for me. I don't do well with idle time, and while I've appreciated the rest and recovery time post-surgery, I've also been going a little stir crazy.

But, wait! More change is coming. 

I finally got my final subtest for the CSET results (a test I have to take for the single subject teaching credential and a prerequisite for official acceptance into the credential program I've applied to start in a little over a week online). I passed! Finally! 

So what does this mean? A lot. I'll be classes (fully online for the summer) a few days a week, starting with evenings and then moving into daytime classes. So that impacts my job search and what I can and can't take on over the next couple of months. I think I'll be able to balance the program and a fully remote role with a few complications here and there, but I could also take on a couple of kids to watch over the summer and probably make that work too (with the village approach, of course - Nick, Mom, Dad if you're reading this, that's a call for help 😉). The credential program is an intense 1-year program and it'll mean I either need an intern teaching position (paid - usually through a private school or a district in need of teachers in your subject area) or a student teaching placement with an odd job that has hours outside of the regular 8-3 school day - maybe consulting or something else freelance, or picking up an evening/weekend job but I think I'm going to have evening classes too. So I still need to iron out all of those pieces and figure out what the next year looks like. But, I promised myself that if I passed this last subtest of the CSET (which I did on my second day of a full liquid diet, I might add - talk about cranky town), I would pursue the social studies credential in its entirety and really commit to that process. So here goes! 

Change is hard. But it can be good. It can be painful. It can be glorious. Praying for clarity on these next few steps, and in the meantime, I'm going to keep looking for a job that aligns with my goals and pursuing happiness in this journey, both physically as well as emotionally and mentally, which was basically crippled over the last several months in a job that made me miserable and where I felt unappreciated and even worse, questioned on my character and ability to do a job well by someone who was new to the company and didn't know how else to try to "lead" the others. 

Looking forward to this new chapter, and embracing the change that comes along with it, as messy as that can be sometimes. I know God's got this, and I am grateful that my husband and my inner circle have been supportive of my decision to follow this path even though it may also constitute a mid-life crisis of sorts. 

Here's to change and positive outlooks and even mid-life crises when the circumstances call for it. 

One-Month Post-Op Update

 Today marks exactly 4 weeks (one-month in the post-op world) since my gastric bypass surgery. I am not as excited about the weight loss as I had hoped, but I am so glad I did measurements before my surgery because those numbers are very positive this morning for me! So here's the lowdown:

Pre-Op/Pre-Liquid Diet Weight/Highest Weight (HW): 278

Goal Weight: 150 

Surgery Weight: 273.2

Current Weight: 249.7

Total Weight Lost Since Highest Weight: 28.3

Total Weight Lost Since Surgery: 23.5

My measurements have given me a great perspective on how my body is changing, not just on the scale but in the way my clothes fit (many are looser on the tummy area for sure!). 

I've lost inches in the following spots so far: 

Stomach/Waist = 5 inches lost

Hips = 3 inches lost 

Thigh = 1 inch lost

Chest = 1.5 inches lost

Upper Arm = .75 inch lost 

Belly Button = 2.5 inches lost 

Total Inches Lost One-Month Post-Op = 13.75 inches! 

I also feel like my eating will move towards more "regular" now that I can add fruits, veggies, chicken and turkey back into my diet. Yay! 

The past month has been tough. For anyone who thinks surgery is the "easy way out" let me tell you, it's the hardest thing I've ever done. From liquid diet for 2+ weeks to eating the same things over and over again to watching your family eat yummy food and not being able to do anything other than smell it, to not drinking anything with caffeine which is what I lived on for years, it's been quite the struggle and growing process. But, today, I'm feeling optimistic about the changes and where I'm heading. I have slowly been adding a walk into my routine here and there, and over the next couple of weeks, I plan to get back into the gym and do at least 30 minutes of cardio everyday, whether that's a walk or elliptical or treadmill. 

For the most part, my family has been very supportive of this process. Understanding (as much as an 8 and 9 year old can be) that I can't eat unhealthy foods or drive them through a fast food restaurant every other day like we used to. I think seeing me make positive changes is a good thing for my kids, and my parents and husband and everyone else in my inner circle has been very positive and supportive of the ups and downs that have come my way. 

Today I'm feeling blessed and excited about the future, although the job search is still going and I haven't found out yet about my next steps in terms of the credential program. I have some results I'm waiting to get later this week which will determine if I move forward with the credential program or if I set my sights on a different path. 

Although there's no "good" or "easy" time to make big life changes like this surgery, I'm glad I did it when I did, and although I'm not happy to not have an income or a steady paycheck right now, I'm grateful I had this time to focus on me and get on the right path, so that whatever comes next career-wise, I'll be in a much better place personally/physically/mentally/emotionally when it comes time to take that next step. 

The First 20!

 I have officially lost the first 20 pounds post-surgery! I weighed in two days before surgery at 273.2 pounds (on 4/24/23). Today, I am at 252.3 pounds...twenty-one pounds gone in three weeks. Today also marks three weeks post-op and there have definitely been some ups and downs along the way. 

I found a bariatric surgery group on Facebook and even though I don't love Facebook, I have found scrolling through some of those posts to be helpful to me. I've developed this weird swallowing issue when I eat too big of a bite or eat too fast, and reading through some of those posts helped me not freak out too much that I'm going to die (big dramatizer here when it comes to those things!). 

So I've been able to try a couple of different things that settled well, but didn't go down easily for me. The key seems to really be in chewing your food a million times until it's basically mush. I know it won't be like this forever, but man, it's so different than how I used to eat because I was always in a hurry so I could feed a kid or clean up the dishes, or whatever. So teaching myself to slow down and chew, and also not to mix drinking any liquid with swallowing any solid food, has been a challenge. 

My digestive system is still a little bit of a teeter-totter, but I've been able to go to the gym (once - only lasted 10 minutes on the elliptical but it was something!), play baseball with my kids at the park, walk around the park a few times, and survived a Costco trip. I feel like progress is being made, even if it's not as quick as I'd like it to be. 

I'm struggling with not working right now. It's been a week since I've been officially unemployed, and although I'm looking forward to starting the credential program the first week of June, I'm also worried about how all of the pieces are going to fall into place financially. I'm trying to let it go and let God, but that's so hard! I am also still waiting for my final scores on the third subtest of the CSET, so hopefully that comes back positively and I'll at least have a little more of a solid plan in terms of where I'm headed. 

But for today, I'm going to celebrate the small victories, including my first 21 pounds lost since surgery three weeks ago. Here's to the next 110 pounds gone! 

Mother's Day Woes

 Yesterday was Mother's Day. I want to preface this post with saying how exceptionally grateful I am that I have four beautiful children and a husband who tried his best yesterday to make it a good day for me. I hurt for those women who are not able to have children, and I in no way want to make my grievances about yesterday anywhere near the pain that you face every Mother's Day. My heart goes out to you, and I am sorry if this post makes your pain any deeper by me sharing my struggles with the day. Everyone is fighting a battle of some type, and I recognize your battle, and hear your pain and am in your corner. Similarly, those that have lost their own mom (like my best friend) and struggle with Mother's Day because that loss is so full and all-encompassing, I see you and feel your pain and am here for you. 

Mother's Day is one of those holidays for me that has high expectations and oftentimes, the reality doesn't meet the hopes for what the day might bring. For me over the years, that hope has looked like no fighting from my kids, a great meal with no spills or chaos, or a nice card and gift from my husband. Sometimes those hopes are met with a reality that exceeds expectations, but usually, the day ends with exhaustion from me, and crankiness or overstimulation from one or more of my kids. 

Yesterday we hosted a BBQ for our families, and had about 20 people here (give or take) for a couple hours, and about half that for a couple more hours. Hosting is exhausting for me. I'm an extroverted introvert, I can be bubbly and charming, but it takes the energy right out of me, and I feel exhausted for days afterwards. You'd think I would have learned this by now, but our house is kind of ready-made for hosting anything that happens from about April through September because we have a pool and a lot of fun things for the kids to do in the backyard. So we've become the default hosts over the past couple of years, especially as things within our family have looked a lot different. 

My husband loves hosting. He loves BBQ'ing or making some specialty meat dish on one of his three BBQ's (he'd say he only has one BBQ, one smoker, and one something else, but I say it's three BBQs). I think he's proud of the house that we have and the fact that we can host and have everyone over. He is not an empath, so he does not absorb the feelings and thoughts of everyone around him like I do. He is not exhausted by hosting. So I try to be a team player and accept the hosting gig for many occasions. 

But Mother's Day. Mother's Day should be a day where I feel loved and appreciated, but also not stressed out. Not put in the middle of various situations. Not sad or sleeping in until 10am the next day because I just want to avoid life for a little longer. My husband was off work today, so I was able to do just that. Sleeping is becoming my avoidance mechanism. I used to drink to avoid, I used to get tattoos to blur out the pain or stress or self-loathing that I experienced for awhile several years ago. But now, I sleep. Probably a better vice than the others I've chosen in the past (including emotional eating), but still not the best coping mechanism. If only I could find the same comfort in going for a walk or working out that I do in sleeping the day away...

Holidays are hard. Families are difficult to navigate. And sometimes, I just wish I could hide out for days on end. My depression is something I've tried to combat for years and years. I went through a very rough time in mid-March when the company I worked for previously was sold and I knew that changes were ahead. I cried for two weeks straight. I reverted to old bad habits of self-harm because I couldn't control the situation, and that makes me feel out of control even more than not knowing what's coming next. I was a mess. Last week, I quit my job. Again, I feel out of control. Lost. Without a purpose in terms of a career or making money or a job. I can feel the depression seeping in stronger than ever, and I know this can be a side effect of the gastric bypass surgery as well. I'm trying to stay in control of it, and to keep my mind busy so I don't fall completely into the darkness. 

Another one of the main reasons why I was so stressed out yesterday, aside from family stressors and being an empath and absorbing everyone's feelings: the food. It was so hard to be around good smelling food, snacks, chips, dip, desserts, and not being able to eat any of it. It was miserable. I should not have agreed to host anything until I'm at least able to eat a "regular" diet in a few weeks or a month from now. And it's not a matter of "oh, she's just choosing not to eat those things." No. If I eat them, I will be in excruciating pain for hours and hours. Not a fun time. 

So today, I'm going to try not to fall down the darkness hole. I'm going to try to do some things that make me happy, and I'm going to try to have a positive attitude that this week I will have a great interview somewhere and will be able to start a new job very soon. Because if I don't at least try to combat the feeling of woe and sadness and depression, I'll find myself in a dangerous spot in no time, and the whole reason I went through this surgery was to prevent myself from finding the darkness over and over again. To feel better and stronger and more like the me that I want to be. 

Goodbyes and New Beginnings

 Today was my first day back at work. It was also my last day at that company. I had been there for over six years and absolutely adore so many of my coworkers. But enough is enough, and when my character is called into question, when there is absolutely no regard for the human aspect of an employee, or consideration for the hard work that was put into the transition of the company, and the new owner/CEO repeats over and over that "everyone is replaceable", there's something wrong. I knew it in my gut back in March and tried to stick it out for months. I was really hoping I'd go back today after my medical leave and there'd be positivity and instead I was met with several emails discounting the work I've done as HR Director, pointing out mistakes from teammates (that weren't their mistakes - just a side effect of the transition and setting up new systems such as payroll) and accusing me of "stealing" or taking time from the company by not putting in for PTO on a day where I was still checking emails and had already worked over my salaried hours for that week. The thing I loved most about the company up until two months ago was the recognition that PEOPLE are your biggest asset. Not the bottom line dollar, because that won't be there if you mistreat people. Male leaders who have a hard time with women in positions of authority (and to be honest, women who are most likely smarter, better educated, and more respected in the company than you) should not be leading companies in 2023. There's no room for egos if you want your employees to respect you and vice versa. It's sad, but it was time for that door to close. 

So what's next? I don't know! And that's scary. But I'm going to continue to focus on my health. I didn't make this decision to have a better version of me through a grueling surgical procedure and recovery to just throw it all away when my mental health and emotional well-being is crushed in a soul-crushing job. My family, my mental health, and my future deserve more than that and that's what I plan to do, whatever that course may look like moving forward. 

Getting Back to the Grind

Tomorrow is my last day of freedom from work...and I'm sad. I am also a little bored, to be perfectly honest, so I'm glad I'm going back to work, just maybe not super thrilled with the work I'm going back to. I'm still waiting on my scores for the third (and final) section of the CSET, which will determine if I pursue the social science teaching credential program I applied for which starts in five weeks. 

I've been starting to think about what my career path looks like if I do not end up pursuing teaching. I've taken a bunch of those "what job should you have" tests over the years, and it always goes back to a helping type profession. So I toyed with the idea of nursing, but let's be honest, I don't love working with sickness and blood and all that stuff. So that's out. Social work would take too long to get my Master's and do an internship and get settled, plus I feel like I would take all of my work home emotionally and I just don't think I'm in a point in my life where I can do that. 

So then I start thinking a little bit outside the box in terms of what a "helping" profession could mean. And then I remind myself that I'm 40 and probably should have figured this out awhile ago, but I was busy raising kids. There are a lot of things about HR that I don't hate. But I do know I need something to change on the work front. 

The season of waiting...here it is again. Just a few weeks and then I'll know for sure which way I'm going in terms of whether I'm pursuing another educational path to lead to a new career path. If not, then I need to make some decisions about what I'm doing currently and what lies ahead for me, whether that's in HR or down some other road. 

Post-surgery update: Things are moving along well. I am down 16 pounds since my pre-surgery weight of 273. I am feeling decent, sleeping well (more than usual - probably due to less calories being taken in and therefore less energy; plus, I'm not drinking anything with caffeine), and able to tolerate some soft high protein foods, along with taking my supplements and making sure I get 64 ounces of fluid in everyday. I have a post-op (in-person) appointment with my surgeon on Thursday, so I'm hoping he'll be happy with my progress as well. I am a little concerned about one of my incisions that doesn't look like it's healing as well as the others. So I will definitely have him check that out too.

One thing that I've incorporated back into my diet that has helped with my energy and feeling full is protein shakes! I'm glad to have those back in the rotation, it gives me a little kick start in the morning. Here's what I'm currently eating/drinking most days:

• 60+ ounces of water everyday
• 12 ounces of Gatorade Zero (I prefer Fruit Punch flavor)
• Daily medications (Zoloft, Aygestin)
• Supplements/Vitamins
• B12 sublingual
• Magnesium Oxide
• Multivitamin
• Gas-X
• Colace
• Pepcid
• Calcium Citrate 
• Protein Shake (8 ounces) 
• String cheese for a snack (late AM)
• Scrambled egg with a dash of salt and a sprinkle of shredded cheese (early PM)
• Sugar-free popsicle (late PM)
• Mashed potatoes with a little margarine (PM)
• Sugar-free pudding (PM)

I need to incorporate fish into what I'm eating, since that's the only meat I can eat right now. But I tried salmon and cod, and didn't tolerate either one, so now I'm going to (hopefully) try some tuna with a little mayo, or halibut or tilapia. Honestly, I don't really want to try any of them because I was so nauseous after the first two attempts at fish but I know I need more protein in my diet. So that is a work in progress! 

2 Steps Forward, 3 Steps Back

 Things were going so well, until eating day. The scrambled egg went just fine, but later in the afternoon, I tried to eat a little bit more (mashed potatoes and grilled fish - both of which are on my soft high protein food list), and a couple hours later, I felt like it was the day after the hospital all over again. It was a super long night on Wednesday, up until 2am, sick to my stomach, but not really able to let it out because my stomach doesn't know how to do that anymore (plus, there's very little in there at a time). It was miserable. 

Moments like this make me think. Did I do the right thing? Should I have had the surgery? In those moments, I lean towards, no. Obviously, the feeling in the moment takes over the rational part of my brain that can see the next day that things are just fine, and I did make the right decision. 

So, I went back on my mostly liquid diet and am just going to take things extra slow with the progression to more soft foods. A little bit at a time. One day at a time. 

One of the hardest things for me in the past when I've tried to lose weight and get healthy, is that I'd have a setback like this, and I'd default back to my old ways. With the surgery, that's not an option. I'll literally be in excruciating pain if I go back to what I did before, so I'm forced to slow down and get through the painful/tough days and focus on the next steps and moving forward. Instead of taking two steps forward, having a setback, and going ten steps backwards, I feel like this is a more moderate two steps forward, three steps back, and then another step forward. It's a forced slowdown in so many ways, which I think is really good for my personality and my way of doing things that hasn't gotten me anywhere in the past. 

Today is a new day! I'm feeling stronger, less turmoil happening in my belly (gas pains) and was able to tackle some house projects - cleaning kids' rooms, organizing bathroom drawers and all that fun stuff. Little by little, I know if I stay on this path, I'll get to where I want to be six months from now. And for the rest of my life...I'll be running around with my kids in no time. 

Slight Detour....When to Call It

I have worked remotely in the human resources field for almost 10 years. I did some hybrid work prior to that in my first HR role, and my supervisors and managers at work have always shown trust in my ability to get things done, and that has extended to my remote roles. I've worked my way up in my current role, starting as an HR Assistant/Coordinator in 2017 and currently the HR Director for a 100% virtual team. 

The CEO that hired me sold the company and it was transferred to new leadership in March of this year. What a whirlwind that has been! I've never experienced an acquisition, although I have gone through my fair share of leadership changeovers. I had a great working relationship with my previous boss. He was not a micromanager, he allowed me to utilize my strengths and make judgment calls as needed. We're playing a whole new ball game since March, though, friends. And I don't want to play anymore. 

So here I am at this unique crossroads as a 40-year-old woman. Do I stay in the field I've been in for 20 years or do I spend the next 20 years doing something I've always wanted to do? 

I am leaning towards the latter option. But, I have to jump over several hurdles to get there. The first, applying to and getting accepted to a credential program in social sciences - done! The second, passing the CSET in social science (three sections) - two sections, done! Waiting to hear back on results from the third (which I happened to take while on a liquid diet one day before surgery). 

I feel like it's been time to call it quits since last August. And now I kick myself for not accepting a job offer at that time that would have put me in a very different position right now. In the meantime, I have to try to stick it out at my current job in order to pay the bills, all while knowing that this is not the type of leader I want to work with long-term, and waiting to see what doors open or close in the next few months. 

Have you ever been in a workplace situation where you knew it was time to leave, but circumstances (i.e. needing to pay bills) just weren't allowing you to do so? How did you cope? 

I Missed Chewing!

 So random, but I definitely missed the act of chewing food. So crazy, right? 

I am officially 1-week post-op, and was given clearance today to start on a soft foods high protein diet. My first meal...one scrambled egg!

I don't think I've ever enjoyed a scrambled egg quite so much. So far, so good, no issues, just had to chew slowly and in small bites and one of the vloggers I follow suggested using baby spoons and bowls so that it doesn't feel like you're depriving yourself with small servings. 

It's really crazy to me how the simple act of chewing food is something that you can miss when you don't have it. I was on a purely liquid diet 9 days, and I've lost 10 pounds since my weigh-in at the hospital on Wednesday right before my surgery. Although it hasn't been easy, today feels like a big win. And I'm looking forward to a future where I can be myself, love my body, stay active, and be a full participant in all the things I want to do. With my kids. With my husband. With friends. With family. 

The best is yet to come! 

 

A New Normal: Day 6 Post-Op

 

I've never been a huge fan of taking vitamins. From the chewable Flintstones to the giant horse pills to the gummy variety (funny story, my 16-year-old son took a couple of my women's multivitamins a couple of weeks ago because they were in gummy form and he thought they were just regular vitamins that looked good), vitamins have never been high on my priority list.

Well, my friends, all of that has changed. I've read hundreds of stories and watched tons of videos on YouTube and have learned that supplements and vitamins will now be several of my best friends. By several, I do indeed mean countless. Check out that photo. This is my morning cup of fun! A mix of chewable vitamins and post-op medicines to help things get back to a new normal with minimal pain and discomfort and gas (ugh...I'll have to do a whole separate post on that because it's a lot) and my regular medications. Prior to the surgery, I had to take a Vitamin C, multivitamin, and a couple other things to get my body in the best position to undergo surgery and recover smoothly. On top of that, I also take Zoloft daily and Aygestin, because I've had a terrible time with my menstrual bleeding since I had my IUD removed in November 2022. Worthy of its own separate blog down the road too, I'm sure. 

Anywho, this is my new cup of morning fun. It takes me about an hour to get all of them down, because I have to wait 10 minutes between pills and chewing the chewable ones (although I have missed chewing food WAY more than I thought I would!) can make me a little nauseous so I take it slowly. My new normal in the morning for the past 5 days since I've been home from the hospital include a cup of joy such as the one pictured above, about 6 ounces of 100% apple juice in crushed (not cubed) ice, and a slow process of getting all of these necessary things into my body. And let me tell you, I feel full by the time I'm done chewing and swallowing all of this! I wait a couple of hours, and then usually have either a sugar-free pudding or a sugar-free popsicle. So goes the day every few hours from that point on, and sometimes my husband convinces me to try some creamed chicken soup (strained) but I still just don't love the taste or texture of soups very much (unless we're talking potato cheese soup, now that one I could get behind...or the Zuppa Toscana from Olive Garden....yum....). 

So this is just one way my normal has shifted. Six months ago, I was downing a Sugar-Free Red Bull and possibly throwing back a fast food breakfast in the dash to get my kids to school on time. I can honestly say I feel pretty normal at 6 days post-op, aside from the desire to actually be able to chew food sometime soon. I'm not fatigued, I'm sleeping well at night, and I'm getting a little stir-crazy, brain-needing-stimulation. 

I'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed for a good post-op update tomorrow and HOPEFULLY a diet advancement to soft high protein foods. Stay tuned! 

Feeling a Little Hangry

 Last night, my husband had the audacity to BBQ. Our bedroom window opens up to the backyard, where said BBQs live. The smell of good food (steak, I think - I couldn't bring myself to actually find out what it was) really set me over the edge for the first time since I've been on this liquid diet. 

Today marks 7 days of no solid food. The highlight of my food intake includes sugar-free popsicles and apple juice. So imagine the stomach grumbles when my nose smelled something it knew it liked, and couldn't have. I was like a 3-year-old throwing a tantrum inside my own body. 

That was my first real moment of feeling hangry. 

But guess what? I survived. I moved on. I went ahead and made myself potato soup with no chunks, and then went to sleep and woke up this morning to a nice cup of apple juice with crushed ice and a medicine cup full of vitamins and medicine to take. And I'm ok! 

I actually went for a nice walk this morning with Nick and Gunner (poor Rocket doesn't know how to behave himself on walks, so he wasn't able to participate). I saw my boys (we walked past their school) and embarrassed Micah, so it's been an eventful day thus far. 

This post is not to discourage those of you who are considering RNY surgery. It's to tell you that there are really hard and ugly times. There are times where I hear the gas bubbles running through my stomach so loud, it would be super embarrassing if I was in an office or a quiet library or something. My digestive system is still all out of whack, from gas bubbles to other not so pleasant issues. But I'm down 10 pounds from my weight last Monday so there's that. I'm not nauseous every second of the day. I'm able to walk and enjoy my kids and my life. So I'm blessed, even if in this short season, I'm a little hangry and cranky and emotional. 

I am reminded of a vlogger who I watched several videos from in the past month or two. She said: "This is only a short season of your life. Things will get better." 

Today, I'm holding on to that.