Conflicting Viewpoints & 3-Month Post-Op Update

I've been struggling lately with reconciling my faith and my individual values as a woman lately. Christianity teaches a lot about subservient women, following the man as the leader of the home, and sacrificing your needs/wants for those of others. A lot of me believes in the sacrificial nature of being a mom, a wife, a friend. But there's a big tug-of-war internally that strongly opposes the idea of laying down my life for others when it feels like most days, I'm running on empty. I have a lot of people in my life, in my job, in my circle that take from me. My job is one that requires me to give of myself and essentially take care of others, providing them with answers, establishing rules, etc. My role as a mom is a lot like that too. I feel like I give and give and give, and my battery is just on 0% most days. 

I wish I could say that there are a lot of other significant relationships in my life that fill my battery back up, that help me refill my tank when it's empty. But that's honestly just not the case these days. My circle of friends is small, I don't have a marriage that is picture perfect, and my bucket isn't being filled up most days by the people that should be helping to do that. I don't place blame anywhere, because for whatever reason, I may just require more from my partner and closest friends because I give so freely (and without thinking about the effect on me usually) most of the time. My blessing and curse in life is indeed the fact that I am an empath. I feel for others in a way that my husband just doesn't understand, and I want to solve the problems of those around me - whether it's kids in foster care or Safe Families or problems at work that I find solutions for, or making my kids' lives easier by being their emotional crutch or punching bag. 

I did recently read a book recommended to me called Boundaries and found it to be very insightful. I just have these conflicting viewpoints living inside of my soul that I can't seem to reconcile, and it's becoming more and more difficult to find what does fill my emotional bucket lately because of those conflicting views and pressures I feel. So while my physical journey of healing from my surgery has been very positive overall, I think it's bringing out some of the junk that I haven't dealt with for a long time on an emotional level. So there's work still to be done, for sure! I also haven't incorporated the gym into my routine yet, because summertime working from home with kids is rough, friends. But, that's still on my to-do list in the very near future! It's also about 100 degrees outside, so there's that little wrench in the plans as well. 

Now let's get to the good part. 

I am officially down 56 pounds from my highest weight before surgery at my 3-month post-op date today! Woohoo! 

I have also lost another 9 inches since my 2-month post-op update, bringing my total inches lost since surgery to just shy of 30 inches!!! This is huge for me. My clothes were mostly feeling way too loose, so I've had to get new shirts, shorts, bras, etc. this month. Even my workout pants are feeling loose when I walk in them now, which is such a huge non-scale victory for me. Another non-scale victory when we went to Sea World last week was that I could actually get on rides without worrying I was over the weight limit. HUGE VICTORY for me mentally and emotionally for sure. My 9-year-old asked me before we went to Sea World if I'd go on rides with them, and I said yes because now I wouldn't be worried about being too big. He smiled. Those are the little wins everyday that I'm so grateful for now, even if it sucks sometimes to go out to dinner and I'm ordering one chicken taco and eating the inside of it only while everyone else has plates full of food. I also do miss my caffeine, so if anyone knows of non-carbonated energy drinks (sugar free) for a pick-me-up every now and then I'd love to hear suggestions. I have taken to drinking a cup of coffee with sugar-free creamer most mornings now, and Crystal Light Zero packets in my water cup change up the taste of my liquids everyday so that's been a big win too. 

Sending warm thoughts and success story vibes to all of you who are battling or recovering from something tough. In the words of Glennon Doyle, "we can do hard things!" 

Boundaries

 I'm terrible with boundaries, especially when it comes to people I love. My parents were pretty strict with curfews when I was a teenager, and I'm honestly not very strict at all when it comes to my teenagers now. I feel like I've given them enough rope to hang themselves, but also enough trust for them to start to make solid decisions on their own. It's all about balance. But I know my boundaries aren't the same as what my husband would set with the twins if he was the one making all of the rules. We have different expectations and different boundaries, and usually that's ok. Sure, sometimes it causes a little conflict, but we can usually talk through it and meet somewhere in the middle on the big issues. The small stuff, I just don't sweat it. I trust my kids to make good choices, and I trust that if they make a bad one, they'll learn something from it. 

I've learned in recent months that I'm also really bad with boundaries with friendships and relationships with my family (outside of my kids and spouse). Learning to find a balance to where I feel that I'm being supportive of my people, but also not letting the stress of other people's "stuff" weigh me down is really tricky. I have a tendency to take on the feelings and stress of other people, and then it creates chaos and stress and emotional meltdowns for me. It's not healthy, I'm aware of that. But I also have a hard time creating boundaries when I feel like someone needs me. But I'm working on it! 

Boundaries are especially important to me right now because I've gone through a lot over the past 12 weeks since my RNY surgery at the end of April. I've gone through really awful days of feeling sicker than I've ever felt, and really emotional days where I questioned whether or not I made the right choice in going forward with the surgery. At the end of the day, a lot of my excess weight was the result of a few unhealthy situations in which I lacked boundaries with myself or others (eating for comfort, making unhealthy food choices, drinking alcohol to numb the pain or stress, feeling alone and eating things that reminded me of "better" times, eating junk food when the kids were asleep because I didn't feel like I had anything that was just mine during the day with mom life, etc.). So if I don't create healthy boundaries and habits, the weight I've lost to date and what I'm still planning on losing in the next year won't stay off. I need to create new habits and ways of doing life in order to stay on the path to being healthy physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. It's a whole package deal. 

I'm happy to report that I'm officially down 50 pounds from my highest weight before surgery! It's been a little over 11 weeks since I had the surgery, and for the most part, I'm feeling good more days than not. I definitely feel a little lighter and am able to do things with more ease than I have in the past. I still haven't built a solid workout routine into my life, and I'm hoping to do that in the next couple of weeks now that I'm settling into my new job and have survived the first half of summer while working from home with the kids. 

Left is April 24th before surgery

Right is July 11th (11 weeks post surgery)

Small Wins

 I was talking to my grandma, who happens to be one of my very favorite people on earth, and she was asking how I felt about having the RNY surgery a little over two months ago. I told her that the first couple weeks were definitely rough, but that I'm at a point where I'm realizing how it was the best decision I could have made for myself at the time. 

For me personally, I look back at the last 10 years, and realize that my entire focus has been on being a mom first and foremost, and other things (jobs, friendships, family, even my marriage at times) came second to that. Having this surgery was one big step towards choosing my health, no matter how hard or inconvenient the changes would be on my kids (who had grown accustomed to frequent fast food and dinners and lunches out for meals because it was convenient with our busy sports and activities schedules). 

Now, I can start to see the little victories in the day-to-day since having the surgery. I have a few people in my life that give me positive feedback on a regular basis, but not everyone is as great about words of affirmation as I might like them to be. That's definitely something that makes me feel seen and heard, when someone verbally says "hey, you are doing great" or even with work-related things, if someone acknowledges a job well done, that speaks volumes to me and fills my cup. 

So when talking to my grandma the other day, I really thought about the small wins I've seen over the past several weeks. Here's a few to note:

1. I feel lighter. I don't feel as heavy when I move around which is fantastic and makes me want to move around more!

2. I save a lot of money not spending it on getting food out all the time (not just for me but for the kids). 

3. I'm providing a good role model for my kids on healthy portions and good eating habits. 

4. I am starting to see the changes in my face (photo below) and when I see the picture on the right, it feels like I'm getting back to myself, the one I'm comfortable with. 

5. I feel stronger. Mentally, physically, emotionally it's been a hard start to 2023 - lots of changes and heartache. I feel stronger having had the surgery and knowing that I can do whatever I set my mind to.