Good Girl Syndrome & Getting Untamed

 

I absolutely adore Glennon Doyle. I've followed her for several years, and have read Untamed a handful of times, and aspire to be a wild, fierce, unapologetically driven cheetah. But, I have to admit, I am a product of the good girl generation and growing up tamed. This is by no means a knock on my childhood or the way I was raised, because if you could handpick parents, you'd pick mine without a doubt. My upbringing, like most of us, is a reflection of the culture, societal norms, and gender stereotypes. It's hardwired into us from the moment we realize there's diversity and differences surrounding us. 

Glennon Doyle's Untamed tells her story of being in a heterosexual marriage and falling in love with another woman. Her story isn't the same as mine, but I do understand a lot of her message regarding learning to become untamed. Learning to live wildly and unapologetically. In my experience, the biggest issues I have had with making choices for myself is that I am always more concerned with how my choices will affect the people around me. Parents, siblings, significant others, friends, children. Their needs and wants come before mine, because I am a people pleaser, an empath, and a good girl at my core. That's what I was taught and trained to be, not because my parents wanted that for me, or because I chose it for myself, but because that is what culture and the media and my peers all showed me I should be. Instead of rebelling against those expectations, I have often made sacrifices in order to make the lives of others around me easier. I learned that from watching my own parents sacrifice their happiness to make sure that me and my siblings were comfortable and content. 

I have sacrificed a lot over the years. When the twins were babies, I was a single mom. I sacrificed pursuing a teaching career at the college level because I needed a stable career that allowed for some flexibility in being a single mom to twin toddlers too. I continued to work in a career path that I don't love because it afforded me flexibility as a mom and provided stability. I was offered a teaching position as adjunct faculty at my alma mater in 2012 but was refused the opportunity to take the position when my full-time job in HR didn't allow me to adjust my hours to accommodate teaching one evening class a week. A dream shattered, hopes dashed, spirits crushed. But, I knew I needed that full-time income to support my kids and be a wage-earning partner to my new husband. I sacrificed what I wanted for the good of those around me. I learned to quietly suffer from a very early age. I internalized my suffering so that I didn't inconvenience anyone else. I was a good girl who suppressed all of my disappointment because my needs and wants didn't matter as much. I believed all the hype about sacrificing your own wants and needs if you wanted to have a partnership (marriage) and be a good parent (mom guilt). 

I'm sure many of you have made sacrifices over the years that made you a good girl or a good parent or a sacrificial lamb in one way or another. But the narrative is changing. Therapists across the country recognize the "good girl syndrome" that was hardwired into so many of us, especially in my generation where our parents worked extra hard to make us happy because they didn't have the best childhoods, so they did everything in their power to make sure we never wanted for anything or had to suffer in any way. Now, I see parents of my generation bending over backwards and paying thousands of dollars a month for travel sports or dance or whatever their kid is into, because we hope that buys them happiness and prevents them from suffering or dealing with hard things. 

I made a choice this week to stop being a good girl. To stop feeling guilty for making choices that are good for me. Because guess what? A miserable me is probably going to equal a miserable partner, a miserable kid, a kid who is always on edge and wanting to make sure mom is not in a bad mood today. I don't want that for any of us. So I'm going to start doing the hard things and making decisions that make some people uncomfortable or unhappy in the moment. I am going to start making choices that push me to be better, and to live a little less tame. 

Check out this article and see if you would self-diagnose as someone who suffers from Good Girl Syndrome too. 6 Signs You Have ‘Good Girl Syndrome’ – Cleveland Clinic

Who's with me?