Slimming Down & Doing Nothing

 I am a perfectionist by nature. I don't do "nothing" very well, it goes against everything in me to just sit and chill. If I am watching a movie, I'm probably also reading a book. If I am relaxing, I'm for sure folding laundry too. One of the things I am learning through this new journey of sobriety, as I read my quit lit and follow along to The Mantra Project emails from Holly Whitaker each morning, is to slow down and just be. To do nothing. To give myself a break. To not have to keep my hands busy, but sometimes just sit still and breathe. I'm sure some of you are great at this. I am not. It's a work in progress. 

I can tell you that I'm seeing positive changes in myself physically, not just because of the RNY surgery earlier this year, but because of the decision to stop drinking. I'm on Day 9 this time around, and I feel good about it. Weekends are usually tougher, especially weekends when my husband is working, because there's a lot going on, and a lot of needs and a lot of feelings in a house of four kids and one mama bear who feels everything a little too much sometimes. In order to combat the weekend desire to have a drink to numb out or distract myself from the chaos around me, I am planning to start a new project this weekend. One that brings together some of my thoughts, some of my struggles, and gives me an outlet to express myself in a way that might help someone else one day. 

In addition to some changes in my face, in my smile (plus I got my hair chopped yesterday so it's a fresh feeling in general), in my happiness that I can feel and see (and not to mention my improved digestion and sleep and energy), I tried on a pair of size 16 jeans today. In April of this year, I wore a size 22 jeans. It feels so good to be getting back to myself, and I think this sobriety journey is just one more piece to that puzzle. 

I hope you can find the joy in doing nothing at some point this weekend. Give yourself a break, and get outside and smell that fresh fall air! One of my favorite times of the year, when the air is crisp and the sun comes and goes and hides behind the clouds for days on end. 

Quit Lit, Sober Culture & Fitting In

 Full transparency. I have had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol for many years. I am starting to dig into the reasons why and how I can make better choices for myself and as a role model to my kids moving forward. But I'm in the early stages of reading what they call "quit lit" in the sober circles on social media and otherwise. I've read "Quit Like a Woman" and "The Naked Mind" which are two of the more popular ones in the quit lit genre. I recently started a new one, Soberish, which takes a more scientific approach much like The Naked Mind (at least so far). I've been following sober influencers for awhile on Instagram, and am starting a program through Lighthouse Sobriety founded by Jen Hirst next week. All good, positive steps in the right direction. Because I am a lifelong learner, a structured program that keeps me accountable is good. A program like AA or Celebrate Recovery (in my experience) is not so good for me, because I am an empath and a feeler and an overly emotional person about most things, the guilt and shame and "you have a disease that you can't cure yourself" basically made me feel like a failure every time I tried going one of those routes. 

I am not into the labels of alcoholic or suffering from "alcohol use disorder." Some of you may read that and think that I'm in denial, and that's fine. I'm not here to tell how you to work your journey, and I am trying my best not to let others dictate how I'll travel on my journey. I'm trying to find things that work for me, that help me grow into the best version of myself, and keep me on the right path in not only my physical health post-RNY surgery but also mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. 

One of the things that stood out to me the most when I first read "Quit Like a Woman" a couple of years ago is this. "Real power doesn't need to be demonstrated or boasted. Real power is the ability to be in your skin, to know who you are, to know you will always be okay. Real power comes from your gut and your heart and your courage and your bravery and your love. Real power can never be taken away from you and never lost once it's found." (Holly Whitaker, Quit Like a Woman: The Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Culture Obsessed with Alcohol.)

Real power. I don't know that I've ever truly felt that. I have found my power in the roles I played - wife, daughter, mom, sister, friend. I haven't found my true power deep within my own self. I find a lot of the messages in the quit lit and sober culture to be empowering, which I really appreciate. Whenever I've struggled with self-injury or self-worth or self-sabotage in the past, I've felt weak and controlled by those behaviors or choices. With this journey, I feel empowered to make positive changes for myself. To not let anyone (or anything) else control the direction I'm headed. In the past, I've forced myself to be someone else to fit in. To be accepted. To be loved and wanted. The more I find out about who I am and what makes me happy, the more I find that fitting in and being accepted by others just doesn't matter as much. Feeling comfortable in my own skin (something I haven't felt in a long time due to my struggles with my weight and self-worth attached to those issues) is something I'm starting to see glimpses of again. 

So I guess the point of this blog is to tell all of you that if you see a post that I share on Instagram that is focused on sober living or making good choices, please trust I am not trying to change your mind about your path and your journey. Millions of people in the world have health relationships with alcohol and food. I simply just don't, so I have to take a different path, and following sober influencers and reposting their thoughts that really hit home for me, that helps me on my journey. So if what I post doesn't help you, keep scrolling. If it does help you or hit home, I'd love to hear from you and learn from you as well. 

"Disappoint other people with your no; don't disappoint yourself with a yes you'll later resent." (Holly Whitaker)

Art by Tammi Salas, property of The Mantra Project by Holly Whitaker

Progress, Not Perfection

 

Being a perfectionist, I have a hard time focusing on the progress and not perfection, with all things in my life. When I feel like I'm not doing something perfectly, I tend to either throw in the towel or self-destruct. The older I get, the harder that cycle is on my mind, my emotions, my body. I've learned that I have limitations now with what I can eat, how fast I can eat, and how my body processes certain foods post surgery. I'm trying to apply that same understanding to the way that I do life in general. Focusing on the progress I make, the little steps in the right direction, rather than trying to be perfect and then naturally imploding when I don't reach that level of perfection. 

Progress, Not Perfection. 

NSV's & Moving Forward

 NSV - non scale victory. A new term I learned in some of the bariatric surgery groups I joined post-surgery. One of the biggest I've had so far occurred last week after a routine physical at my primary care doctor's office. My A1C blood test results are no longer in diabetic range! My lipid panel is all positive as well, aside from the HDL which has gone up (but from my understanding, if any go up, that's the one you want to go up!). 

I recently also accepted a job with a non-profit that I have followed and admired since I was a kid. Unfortunately, my anxiety and my desire to be a mom with flexibility in my work schedule won out, and I declined the job offer in the end. I'm hoping to be able to find a way to still volunteer in the foster care space, as that is where my heart is, but maybe working in a role where I can exercise a little bit of my writing creative juices and interact with high-level female attorneys isn't such a bad thing either! Trying to move forward with a positive outlook, a better understanding of where my priorities are, and finding ways to fill up my bucket and desire to serve and help my community without tipping my whole world upside down.