Progress Update - October 2023

 On October 26, 2023, I will celebrate 6-months since my gastric bypass (RNY) surgery. 6 months! It's been quite the ride, with ups and downs, struggles and successes. I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks, but I can say that the last time I did, I was down 75 pounds, and I feel so much healthier and stronger and better in my own skin and comfortable in my clothes. I have gone down 3 full pants sizes (from a size 22 jeans to a size 16 jeans with room to wiggle around), and am able to do things that I definitely couldn't do as easily six months ago. I'm so grateful for the positive changes, and looking forward to the next six months and hitting my weight loss goal of losing a total of 120 pounds by the end of 2024. 

 

October 15, 2023

The Journey to Becoming Yourself

 I was out of town this past weekend for a few days with my husband for a family member's wedding on the East Coast. We flew to Charleston, South Carolina and spent a couple of days in Pawley's Island where the wedding was held, and it was just a great few days. Not to say they didn't come without challenges, but days where the focus is on just Nick and I are rare. In a house with four kids (two teenagers, two in elementary school), we are busy with sports and school and homework and chores and all the things. All the time. So it was nice to get away from the routine and just have time together, even though good chunks of that time were spent on airplanes or sleeping. We did have a lot of fun and made some great memories. 

While we were traveling, I read a lot and thought a lot about the changes I've made recently in my own life. I've tried to get sober in the past, but never really identified myself as an alcoholic, so AA meetings and Celebrate Recovery never sat well. I joined a sober challenge group led by Jen Hirst, who also leads Lighthouse Sobriety, a recovery group for women that meets virtually once a week. The challenge I'm in is called Sober70! and it's a commitment to 70 days of sobriety, with different habits and challenges built in, ranging from drinking half your body weight in water to reading 10 pages of quit lit or self-improvement books per day, to writing down 5 things you're grateful for everyday, and also getting 30 minutes of movement/exercise in each day. All good things for my mind and body, so I am enjoying the challenge and enjoying even more the sense of community amongst women who identify themselves in similar ways as I do when it comes to drinking. I drank to numb the chaos, the feelings, the stress, the everyday STUFF that comes up when you're a working mom of four, trying to be a perfectionist (STILL) and struggling to say no and set boundaries and manage expectations without pissing people off (PEOPLE-PLEASING). 

A few quotes in Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection that really stood out to me this weekend, and I've been reflecting on for the past couple of days are as follows. They speak to the perfectionist in me, the one who wants to make other people happy, even to my own detriment at times. The one who doesn't give up on friendships that I should let go, because they are no longer serving me in my growth as a human being, or helping the other areas of my life to flourish. The one who in the past has quit when things get hard, but who is now committed to seeing things through because I DESERVE TO FEEL GOOD AND BE HAPPY. 

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." - Anna Quindlen

"How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that is even more essential to living a wholehearted life: loving ourselves." - Brene Brown

Here's the thing, friends. It's not about the money we make (sure, that helps give us a fun-filled life and pays the bills so it's important, but not what it's all about), the title we have at work, or the car we drive. It's about embracing who we are, feeling connected to others, and cultivating authenticity in our words, actions, and relationships. That's what the journey to becoming yourself looks like.

When I turned 40 last year in 2022, I had what I'll know refer to as a midlife unraveling (rather than a crisis). Brene Brown writes about this in her book, and says, "It's an unraveling - a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you're 'supposed' to live. The unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are." (Gifts of Imperfection)

I've been in this unraveling for awhile now. My friend Natalie also introduced me to The Pattern app, which says I'm in a period of new beginnings in which "you're undergoing a transformation - this energy is initiating real changes, altering the direction your life will take." I feel it some days more than others, like I'm coming apart from the inside out, and crawling out of my own skin. Since I stopped drinking for the last time (my last day 1 if you will) about 33 days ago, I have felt more at peace with this unraveling. Less like I have to grab a hold of it and try to redirect the unraveling, and more like I'm on a wave and just seeing where it's going to drop me ashore. 

In writing this blog, I'm working through some of my own challenges and also hoping that by sharing my struggles, I'm connecting with others and opening the doors for people in my life to embrace me for my strengths and struggles, and who will allow me to do the same for them. I'm looking for true connection, not just going through the motions because that's what we're supposed to do. I'm tired of the "supposed to's" and the expectations of what I should be doing. I'm ready for the next door to open, I'm ready for change and feeling like I am living a life of purpose and passion. What does that mean in practical terms? I'm not sure yet. But I'm going to keep those doors open until something pushes me through the right one, and instead of being scared and not setting proper boundaries for myself, I'm going to make the decision that is right for me, and the other pieces will fall into place. I'm trusting that God or the universe or the wind will point me in the direction of the journey to becoming myself, one day at a time. I'm going to cultivate the authenticity I want to see in all of my relationships moving forward, by allowing myself (and others) to be imperfect, setting boundaries to maintain my emotional, mental, and physical well-being, and allowing for vulnerability with connections to other people. I'm going to spend time doing things that aren't productive - creating art, painting, blogging, writing...hell, I might even try dancing! I'm going to try things that scare me, and I'm going to live life on purpose. Who wants to join me? 

Pawley's Island, SC 

Pawley's Island Chapel, October 2023

Circle Church Cemetery, Downtown Charleston, SC

Good for the Soul Days

 Saturday was a good for the soul day. A few things that happened that were soul-filling for me: 

1. Soccer mom Saturdays are my favorite! I love cheering my boys on, and even better, this Saturday 8am game, I was not hungover, my stomach was not upset, and I generally just felt good and so happy to be there for my boys. 

2. My grandma, who is 88 years old, drove 45 minutes to watch my boys play soccer. She's amazing and I appreciate her role in my life. 

3. My husband was off on Saturday. This is a fairly new phenomenon for our family. Nick has worked weekends since I met him. When we met, he worked two jobs. One Monday - Friday at an orthopedic doctor's office, and Saturdays and Sundays at an urgent care. The man has an amazing work ethic, always has. But, that has also been really tough on our marriage because I felt like a single mom every single weekend. This shifted a bit when my parents moved 5 minutes from us about three years ago, but I still don't like to ask them to take my kids every weekend, because I'm the parent, it's not their job. (Mom guilt, anyone?) Anyway, the good thing about this weekend was it was Nick's weekend off. He works every other weekend now, instead of every weekend. Big win for our family dynamic for sure. 

4. I saw my nephew Ryder at my niece's soccer game. He just makes me smile, I love his naughty little self and I love that he usually tolerates me. We've had a work-in-progress closeness that I didn't have to really work for with my other nieces and nephews. 

5. Hugs from my mom. Those are always good for my soul. 

6. Seeing my dad in his element coaching soccer. He's 70 years old, and my hero. Always has been, always will be. Even more so seeing him coach this group of unruly 8 and 9 year old boys this season. Holy lack-of-attention-spans. 

7. I saw my oldest and dearest friend who I met when we lived on Monterey Street in Anaheim. She was my kindergarten protector, and I know I've written about her on this blog before, but she's basically my lifelong hero. She has been sober for 17 (almost 18) years, and she shared her full story with me on Saturday, which I've only heard in bits and pieces previously. She shared some resources with me and we generally just talked about life and sobriety and parenting and all the things. She is good for my soul. 

8. We had a family movie day with the little boys. The twins are more disconnected these days because they're working anywhere from 3-5 days a week, busy with school, friends, and their own social lives. I try to steal small moments with each of them when I can, but I know the age gap between my kids and them being in different life stages is hard for all of us to navigate. I can say I am so proud of them both, and they have such good work ethics for 16-year-olds. I'm a proud mama bear for sure. 

9. I got on the scale and though my weight loss has stalled dramatically since the first four months or so post-op (which my surgeon said was perfectly normal), I have hit the point of 70 pounds lost since my surgery on April 26th. So just a little over 5 months post-op, I'm down 70 pounds. Huge win for me! I feel better in my body and I feel like I'm coming back to MYSELF in so many ways. 

I told Nick when we played pickleball with the boys on Sunday that I surprised myself with how much faster I moved on the court than I did last spring when we would play. Losing 70 pounds has given me back so much of ME. Getting and staying sober will also give me back so much of ME, even the parts of me that I didn't ever really know because I hid them. 

What do your "good for the soul" days look like? I'd love to hear!