I was out of town this past weekend for a few days with my husband for a family member's wedding on the East Coast. We flew to Charleston, South Carolina and spent a couple of days in Pawley's Island where the wedding was held, and it was just a great few days. Not to say they didn't come without challenges, but days where the focus is on just Nick and I are rare. In a house with four kids (two teenagers, two in elementary school), we are busy with sports and school and homework and chores and all the things. All the time. So it was nice to get away from the routine and just have time together, even though good chunks of that time were spent on airplanes or sleeping. We did have a lot of fun and made some great memories.
While we were traveling, I read a lot and thought a lot about the changes I've made recently in my own life. I've tried to get sober in the past, but never really identified myself as an alcoholic, so AA meetings and Celebrate Recovery never sat well. I joined a sober challenge group led by Jen Hirst, who also leads Lighthouse Sobriety, a recovery group for women that meets virtually once a week. The challenge I'm in is called Sober70! and it's a commitment to 70 days of sobriety, with different habits and challenges built in, ranging from drinking half your body weight in water to reading 10 pages of quit lit or self-improvement books per day, to writing down 5 things you're grateful for everyday, and also getting 30 minutes of movement/exercise in each day. All good things for my mind and body, so I am enjoying the challenge and enjoying even more the sense of community amongst women who identify themselves in similar ways as I do when it comes to drinking. I drank to numb the chaos, the feelings, the stress, the everyday STUFF that comes up when you're a working mom of four, trying to be a perfectionist (STILL) and struggling to say no and set boundaries and manage expectations without pissing people off (PEOPLE-PLEASING).
A few quotes in Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection that really stood out to me this weekend, and I've been reflecting on for the past couple of days are as follows. They speak to the perfectionist in me, the one who wants to make other people happy, even to my own detriment at times. The one who doesn't give up on friendships that I should let go, because they are no longer serving me in my growth as a human being, or helping the other areas of my life to flourish. The one who in the past has quit when things get hard, but who is now committed to seeing things through because I DESERVE TO FEEL GOOD AND BE HAPPY.
"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." - Anna Quindlen
"How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that is even more essential to living a wholehearted life: loving ourselves." - Brene Brown
Here's the thing, friends. It's not about the money we make (sure, that helps give us a fun-filled life and pays the bills so it's important, but not what it's all about), the title we have at work, or the car we drive. It's about embracing who we are, feeling connected to others, and cultivating authenticity in our words, actions, and relationships. That's what the journey to becoming yourself looks like.
When I turned 40 last year in 2022, I had what I'll know refer to as a midlife unraveling (rather than a crisis). Brene Brown writes about this in her book, and says, "It's an unraveling - a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you're 'supposed' to live. The unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are." (Gifts of Imperfection)
I've been in this unraveling for awhile now. My friend Natalie also introduced me to The Pattern app, which says I'm in a period of new beginnings in which "you're undergoing a transformation - this energy is initiating real changes, altering the direction your life will take." I feel it some days more than others, like I'm coming apart from the inside out, and crawling out of my own skin. Since I stopped drinking for the last time (my last day 1 if you will) about 33 days ago, I have felt more at peace with this unraveling. Less like I have to grab a hold of it and try to redirect the unraveling, and more like I'm on a wave and just seeing where it's going to drop me ashore.
In writing this blog, I'm working through some of my own challenges and also hoping that by sharing my struggles, I'm connecting with others and opening the doors for people in my life to embrace me for my strengths and struggles, and who will allow me to do the same for them. I'm looking for true connection, not just going through the motions because that's what we're supposed to do. I'm tired of the "supposed to's" and the expectations of what I should be doing. I'm ready for the next door to open, I'm ready for change and feeling like I am living a life of purpose and passion. What does that mean in practical terms? I'm not sure yet. But I'm going to keep those doors open until something pushes me through the right one, and instead of being scared and not setting proper boundaries for myself, I'm going to make the decision that is right for me, and the other pieces will fall into place. I'm trusting that God or the universe or the wind will point me in the direction of the journey to becoming myself, one day at a time. I'm going to cultivate the authenticity I want to see in all of my relationships moving forward, by allowing myself (and others) to be imperfect, setting boundaries to maintain my emotional, mental, and physical well-being, and allowing for vulnerability with connections to other people. I'm going to spend time doing things that aren't productive - creating art, painting, blogging, writing...hell, I might even try dancing! I'm going to try things that scare me, and I'm going to live life on purpose. Who wants to join me?
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