The Journey Continues...90 Days

 Today, I have 90 days of continuous sobriety under my belt. I credit a couple of things for this milestone:

1. I was done with drinking. It had to be the exact moment in time when I was done, because that's how I operate. Nobody could force it or tell me I needed to do it. It had to be on me 100%. 

2. My physical and mental health depended on me making that choice. Post gastric bypass, there was no room in my body or my life for alcohol anymore. It was imperative that if I wanted to continue to make progress physically and mentally, I had to make the choice on September 14, 2023 that my last drink of alcohol was on September 13, 2023. 

Coincidentally, there was an online sober community group challenge starting on October 2, 2023. So that means a little over two weeks into my self-chosen sobriety, I was surrounded by a group of women with the same goal in mind. That community is still something I lean on to this day, through texts and video chats and online groups. Community was something I never leaned on before in my previous attempts at sobriety or cutting back or moderation. It was something I did in secret, and I had only ever tried to do by myself. Always ending in epic failure. And then the shame cycle. Rinse and repeat, over and over again. A lesson in true futility. 

As I have been for the last three months, I'm reading a ton of quit lit. I highly recommend Highlight Real by Emily Lynn Paulson to anyone who is sober curious, sober, or anywhere in between. Just finished that one a couple of days ago, and I absolutely loved it. I started This Side of Alcohol by Peggi Cooney a couple of days ago, and that has been an interesting read as well. The author didn't have a difficult relationship with alcohol until her 50s, and I think that's a story that we all need to be open to hearing. Problem drinking can occur at any age, at any life stage. I think a lot of us share in common this thread of having a problematic relationship with alcohol throughout our lives, but we don't all have the same story or shared rock bottoms or legal trouble because of our relationships with alcohol. Being open to different stories and different experiences is huge for my sober community, because of course we can all relate to each other on some level, but we also have our own unique stories to tell when we are ready to do so. 

Which leads to me another point. I'm writing a book. I don't know how long it will take me to finish, but what started as writing down my sober story and walking through the painful parts and the pieces of recovery that I'm currently experiencing has turned into a 60-something page journey. I think reading sober memoirs and quit lit has inspired me to pursue passions that have always lived inside of me, but I've never fully explored. So that's my latest adventure, and I can't wait to see where it goes. 

In sharing my 90-day milestone, I have a couple of interesting visuals for you all. The first two images are my up-close face picture in August 2023, before I started my sobriety journey. Also included is my first sobriety wheel, which I filled out on Day 1 of my Sober 70 online challenge on October 2, 2023. 

August 2023 with my oldest son

Sobriety Self-Care Wheel on 10/2/2023

The next two images are my sobriety wheel at Day 70 of the Sober 70 challenge, and a close-up photo of my face on Thanksgiving, about 8 weeks into the sober challenge and approximately 70 days of sobriety under my belt. 

Day 70 sober - Thanksgiving 11/23/23

Sobriety Self-Care Wheel - Day 70 of Sober 70 Challenge (roughly 88 days sober)

The visual of how much things have improved both in my skin and my assessment of a variety of areas of my life from physical and mental health to relationships with my family to confidence, it's all there in bright beautiful view. 

As Peggi Cooney writes in her book, "Without surrendering, nothing else makes sense in my life. It is the difference between giving up and giving it over to God. Surrendering keeps me in that humble and teachable place and makes all things possible. It makes living my life possible." (Cooney, page 119).

As a recovering people pleaser, perfectionist, good girl mentality yet rebellious by nature sober woman with a problematic relationship with alcohol, I can honestly say that surrendering is one of the toughest things for me. Giving up control, giving it over to a higher power or God, or relinquishing my grip on something whether that's my relationship with a person or my relationship with alcohol or my relationship with cutting or my relationship with my kids or significant other, it's all hard. I want things to be perfect, and so giving up control of every aspect of things is difficult for me. But I know that surrendering is something that is key to my sobriety and that's something I am going to be actively working on as I walk through this journey to the best version of me. 

One day at a time. Today, I choose not to drink. Today, I choose to show up as the best version of myself. Today, I choose me.