Boredom in Sobriety

 Yesterday, I was so bored. After work, I didn't have a book to read, chores to do, or a show that I wanted to watch. I was as bored as this poor cat. 

Moments like this in sobriety are tough for me. I'm someone who always needs a project and not having the "I'm going to have a drink and 'unwind' right now" thoughts would take over during these moments when I was drinking, and I could always justify them or explain the drinks away because I was bored and needed "me time." Now that I'm alcohol-free, I find that I have more time for projects and hobbies, but I can't pick a hobby to save my life right now. I've looked into diamond art and puzzles (I had a whole love affair with puzzles for awhile, it helped with my anxiety but then they started making me more anxious, and once I finished a puzzle, I needed it to be complete, so I couldn't put it back in the box, I had to puzzle glue it and frame it and then I ran out of places to put my framed puzzles - even my mom took some off my hands and now she's pretty tapped out with my puzzle art, I'd imagine). I looked into candle making and bracelet making, and nothing really is grabbing my attention. So then I became obsessed with reading - I read all of Colleen Hoover's books in a matter of about eight weeks. 

I've tried different authors, and aside from a series here and there, or a new quit lit book, I'm just not feeling the reading vibes right now either. 

I'm simply bored. 

And that doesn't always sit well with me. 

One of the keys of combatting boredom in sobriety is to find things that increase your dopamine and serotonin levels. Working out or going for a walk is one of the easiest ways to do that, but it's pushing 100 degrees here by mid-day right now, so that one's a bit tricky for me. Eating something that boosts your dopamine levels is another easy fix, but I have to be super careful with my diet since sugar levels can make me feel really ill after my gastric bypass surgery.

So what's a girl to do? I'm considering signing up for a class, doing an enneagram study, or getting more involved with the women's ministry at church. But do you want to know what's different now in my alcohol-free era than it was in previous times of my life when alcohol was a numbing agent and would cloud my decision-making? I'm not jumping into anything impulsively. I'm considering things, and dabbling in reading or journaling, or buying an adult coloring book to pass the time. But I'm not impulsively clicking links online to join a new something (anything) to fill the void. I'm allowing myself to be uncomfortably bored for a couple hours here and there. I'm thinking about ways that I can fill my cup without overwhelming myself and then quitting because it's too much or too hard. 

One of the greatest lessons sobriety has taught me so far is that it's ok to be bored. It's ok to feel like there's something more in my future, something I'm supposed to be doing. It's also ok to just rest and not have to fill up every hour of my day. I'm learning to be uncomfortable in the boredom, and I'm also learning to try new things and be ok with failing or not loving a new hobby I pursue. I'm ok with all of it, because I know it's just a blip in the big scheme of life, and I'm paving a new path for myself by simply choosing to sit in the boredom and not have to fill it with something just for the sake of it being filled. Open spaces on the calendar, sitting outside on a cool evening to just breathe and listen and be is just as necessary sometimes as all of the other stuff that life requires of us.  

Gratitude for the Little Things

 I had taken a little break from reading quit lit when I was putting the finishing touches and editing my own book. I needed some separation from what I was doing and what was out there in the same space as where I was writing my own story. But now that I finished my edits and my book is on its way to the publisher, I picked up a new quit lit book recommended by one of my sober sisters. Sara Doell, author of Next Time Leave Me on the Floor, is in the same circle as Peggi Cooney, author of This Side of Alcohol and early inspiration to me in writing my own book. Sara's book is a little different than some of the quit lit I've read, in that it doesn't focus on mommy wine culture or talk about the struggles of drinking as a parent during the pandemic. But there were still so many nuggets of truth in her book that I could relate to, and one of the resounding themes of her book was that you shouldn't make any big life decisions in your first year of sobriety. Although I have made some pretty big decisions (like writing a book for one) this really rang true for me when it comes to my career. I've gone back and forth over the years about a second career in teaching, and earlier this year, I was struggling with my role in human resources. But I can also see how my body and my mindset has gone through a lot this past 9+ months in my sobriety journey, and it makes a lot of sense to hold off on any life-altering decisions. So that gave me reassurance that I'm doing the right thing by staying where I'm at, pursuing my book published by end of 2024, and then re-evaluating my career trajectory in 2025. Reading something that gives you reassurance about the choices you're making is often very helpful in times of back-and-forth that I've found myself in over the past few years. I was grateful for Sara's insight on that. 

Having gratitude for the little things is a recurring theme in my life since becoming alcohol-free over nine months ago. I am able to see things more clearly, less clouded by emotions or guilt or shame. I am able to process things at my own pace, rather than making hasty decisions that are going to affect not only my life, but the lives of those around me. I'm able to sit in the uncomfortable feelings and the "not knowing" for more than a few seconds without feeling the need to act or react to something or someone else's choices. I'm grateful for those moments of pause and for being ok sitting in the discomfort in a way that I never was able to before. 

My word of the year for 2024 is authenticity. I am grateful that I've been able to stay committed to that word and focus for the year, and am already thinking about what my word for 2025 might be. I feel like so many dreams are coming true - and I am grateful for the opportunity to rewrite my own narrative. 

Milestones & Mindset Shifts

 Yesterday, I turned 42. Today, I celebrate 9 months of sobriety. 

Milestones are such a beautiful thing. When my first babies were born, I remember sending out mass emails to family and friends about their milestones every couple of months. First rice cereal, first crawl, first step, first word. It all mattered so much to me as a mom, even though the twins had no idea they were reaching those milestones. 

In my own milestones over the past year or so, I'm keenly aware of the big moments and wins. Post RNY surgery, I was able to track changes in numbers on the scale, clothing size, and overall feeling better and more myself than I had in years. I've also been able to track my sobriety through daily, monthly and weekly milestones. But more importantly, I've been able to track my progress in the way my mindset has shifted towards alcohol and the desire to numb out and escape reality with a substance that is simply incompatible with my body and mind. 

Birthdays were always a VERY big deal growing up. My mom didn't have birthdays celebrated when she was a kid, so she put in 200% effort to make sure all of her kids' birthdays were fabulous and celebrated with gusto. She still loves a good birthday dinner, a birthday song at a restaurant (which makes me cringe, but at least in my sobriety I can put on a happy face and be gracious about it instead of having an anxiety attack), and a beautiful card. She also still sings happy birthday to me every year. My dad is more quietly celebratory, but always shows up and wants to make sure his people know they are loved. 

My husband was a little overwhelmed by the Burton birthday celebrations when he joined our family 15 years ago. I think they still wear him out, but he also puts on a happy face and does his best to make birthdays a beautiful day for me or our kids. Birthdays for me in the past were a hall pass - a reason to drink more than I should and blame it on the celebration of my birthday. 

Last year, I wasn't 100% up to a big birthday celebration since I was still pretty limited on what I could and couldn't eat. This year felt like the first birthday of my new life in a lot of ways, and it was a beautiful day. I worked, I read one of my new book series obsessions on my lunch break and sat outside on the patio to get some sunshine in. Then I watched a favorite movie, had a great time with extended family at a dinner celebration, and came home and was in bed by 10pm. The best part? I woke up at 6:45am without an alarm feeling refreshed and ready for a new day. That's one thing that will never get old in sobriety - the mornings. Feeling good and ready for the day, rather than waking up hungover and just wanting to hide in my bed and avoid reality again because of the choice to avoid reality the night before with way too much alcohol. 

Living life outside of the fog of alcohol has truly been one of the best decisions I've ever made. I'm a more present mom, I'm a better wife, I'm a stronger woman, and I am able to set boundaries so that I don't need to escape from reality, because the reality I've created is pretty damn amazing. Any anytime I can get a picture (or even just experience) all four of my babies in one place, is a good day indeed.