Like many of my peers (where are all the female elder millennials at?), I grew up with a self-imposed need to be perfect. I wanted to make the people around me happy, even at the expense of my own happiness. The pursuit of "good girl perfectionism" is utterly exhausting. I still feel the itch to be all the things to everyone sometimes, but over the past couple of years, I've learned to largely ignore that, and do what I can to protect my peace and be present with the people and things that matter most to me. It's amazing how giving up the need to be perfect and make everyone happy around me has led to this amazing sense of serenity in my own body, and a more present, authentic relationship with my husband and my children. The ways that I traumatized my kids could not be counted on two (or even ten hands), especially my older two. But I am part of this new generation of parenting where screwing up is okay, and apologizing for your screw-ups is even better. I think about the time period my parents raised me in, and I think there was a different type of pressure on them to have kids that behaved and showed up with a smile. Now, the pressure is always on top of us, on our phone screens, in our ears on podcasts and reality TV episodes and YouTube shorts for the generations coming up behind us. It's nonstop and it's wired our kids' to be built differently than we were. They are more able to "let go" because their bodies and minds are wired for constant "go, go, go" and "look at this new thing or person or trend".
As I've started to live out my purpose in new ways, I find myself more open to my surroundings. I notice things more. I appreciate things more. I don't hate driving an hour (or more) each way to teach my college courses twice a week because I love what I do there. What I am doing on campus matters to other people. I have found that my presence in the classroom is purposeful. I see it in the students I run into who smile and acknowledge me. I see it in the recommendation letter requests from former students, and the ones who reach out to tell me that they changed their major because of my class.
Nothing that I have done professionally has made me feel like I'm actually fulfilling my purpose. I'm impacting young adults (some still teenagers) in one of the most critical times of their lives. I don't know how many of you read my blog regularly, but those old timers will remember that I had the ultimate mental breakdown and anxiety attack my second semester of college because my body knew things were not right in my world. Instead of pushing through and breaking out of certain relationships and situations, I put my head in the sand and dropped out of school for a semester. If I had a professor at that time who noticed me and asked how I was doing, maybe my story would have been different. Fast forward several years and I finished college with a graduate and undergraduate degree with honors, so clearly I was supposed to be there. I just lost my way.
It's pretty incredible to feel like I am back on the path I was meant to be on. Sure, there are still some logistics that make me stressed at times, there's another job I'm doing while I pick up more courses to teach. But you know what? For once, I'm not in a hurry to get to that destination, because I trust that it will happen if that's what is meant to be. I am enjoying the journey, and letting go of what I cannot control.
This week on campus, I saw a couple of sticky notes someone had stuck to the bathroom stall. I took a minute to glance up at where I was when I was walking on campus. I was grateful to have moments with my kid who was sick at home, and still feel like I was impacting lives positively (and soaking up every last minute he'll allow me to hold his hand, since I know that is fleeting too for my 12-year-old). And I was reminded that even if something takes two decades to finish, if it's important to your story, do it. Even if no one else reads it or sees it or experiences it, do it for yourself. Live purposefully, and live presently. It's the only way to go. And trust me, I've tried all the ways you can think of, and none have been as sweet as this season of life (except maybe the newborn snuggle days, but who can really enjoy those on two hours of sleep?).
Keep chasing your purpose, friends. It's so worth it.
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