My Past & Their Future

 Yesterday, the twins and I went to a family wedding. Their uncle (the twins' biological dad's half-brother) got married, and we were invited to join in on the festivities. I had a little bit of anxiety about the event, because I knew I would be opening the door to my past in some ways. But, the goal for me was always to allow the twins to have a relationship with their dad's side of the family as long as it was positive, welcoming, and loving towards the twins. Unfortunately, they do not have a relationship with their biological dad because he's made choices over the years that clearly showed the twins' well-being was not on his list of priorities. That's a post for another day, but there are many people on his side of the family that have stayed connected over the years, checked in on them, and tried to develop and maintain relationships with Lucas and Rylee despite Corey's lack of involvement in their lives. 

Lucas was confident and ready to go into this wedding. I saw some moments of nervousness in him the closer we got to the venue (it was about a 2.5 hour drive from our house). Rylee was her usual cautious self about the whole thing, but I could tell that she was looking forward to it and being a part of her uncle's day. She also loves dancing and music, so that was something she was looking forward to as well, I'm sure. When we arrived, the wedding had started, so we snuck into our seats and watched the ceremony, going unnoticed by the rest of the guests. After the ceremony, we saw some familiar faces, aunts and cousins and the twins' grandma and grandpa on their dad's side of the family, who we have seen a few times a year over the last several years and who have always been gracious and welcoming to both me and the twins (and to Nick and Micah and Jaxon, always making them included and part of the family as well, which I appreciate more than words can express). Immediately with several of the family members, I felt this sense of relief that we were always welcome and included with this group, it had just been so long since the twins and I saw these beautiful people that I had anxiety about the actual moment of meeting - all for nothing, because it was fun and great and so nice to see the twins connecting with that side of the family, and with each other. Their bond is something I always remind them to be grateful for, because no one else on the earth will ever be closer to them than each other (genetically and literally and figuratively speaking). 

It was such a beautiful wedding, and opened the doors to reconnect with people I will always consider to be family, regardless of whether I stayed married to the twins' dad or not. They are people that I have known since I was a junior in high school (25+ years of history goes a long way!) and I want my kids to know them and love them too. These people are part of my past, and I hope that they are part of the twins' (and my) future too. 

Family comes in all shapes and sizes, and I'm grateful that they are part of mine. 

Rylee, Me & Lucas

Jessa (cousin), Rylee, Lucas & Auntie Kim (the twins' grandpa's sister)

Me and my firstborn

Rylee, Ashley, Uncle Zack & Lucas

Rylee, Grandpa Mike & Lucas

Rylee & Lucas

Glimmers

 

Glimmers. The opposite of triggers. Moments of beauty and clarity and feeling safe and good and whole and not at all broken. 

I find these moments in beautiful sunsets like this one we saw before Hurricane Hilary visited Southern California last week. 

I find these moments in my therapist's office. A reminder to "see the good." 

I am a worrier. I am an empath. I am a good girl trying to find my untamed cheetah within and letting her out to play. Seeing the good is often hard for me, because I worry about all the potential things that could go wrong. The disappointments, the let-downs, the not so pretty pieces of a big change, a new adventure, a different path. 

See the good. 

Stop and smell the flowers.

Stare at the sky as the sunset paints it pink and purple and orange. 

Capture those glimmers and keep them in your memory for the days and moments that aren't so beautiful and hopeful. 

Good Girl Syndrome & Getting Untamed

 

I absolutely adore Glennon Doyle. I've followed her for several years, and have read Untamed a handful of times, and aspire to be a wild, fierce, unapologetically driven cheetah. But, I have to admit, I am a product of the good girl generation and growing up tamed. This is by no means a knock on my childhood or the way I was raised, because if you could handpick parents, you'd pick mine without a doubt. My upbringing, like most of us, is a reflection of the culture, societal norms, and gender stereotypes. It's hardwired into us from the moment we realize there's diversity and differences surrounding us. 

Glennon Doyle's Untamed tells her story of being in a heterosexual marriage and falling in love with another woman. Her story isn't the same as mine, but I do understand a lot of her message regarding learning to become untamed. Learning to live wildly and unapologetically. In my experience, the biggest issues I have had with making choices for myself is that I am always more concerned with how my choices will affect the people around me. Parents, siblings, significant others, friends, children. Their needs and wants come before mine, because I am a people pleaser, an empath, and a good girl at my core. That's what I was taught and trained to be, not because my parents wanted that for me, or because I chose it for myself, but because that is what culture and the media and my peers all showed me I should be. Instead of rebelling against those expectations, I have often made sacrifices in order to make the lives of others around me easier. I learned that from watching my own parents sacrifice their happiness to make sure that me and my siblings were comfortable and content. 

I have sacrificed a lot over the years. When the twins were babies, I was a single mom. I sacrificed pursuing a teaching career at the college level because I needed a stable career that allowed for some flexibility in being a single mom to twin toddlers too. I continued to work in a career path that I don't love because it afforded me flexibility as a mom and provided stability. I was offered a teaching position as adjunct faculty at my alma mater in 2012 but was refused the opportunity to take the position when my full-time job in HR didn't allow me to adjust my hours to accommodate teaching one evening class a week. A dream shattered, hopes dashed, spirits crushed. But, I knew I needed that full-time income to support my kids and be a wage-earning partner to my new husband. I sacrificed what I wanted for the good of those around me. I learned to quietly suffer from a very early age. I internalized my suffering so that I didn't inconvenience anyone else. I was a good girl who suppressed all of my disappointment because my needs and wants didn't matter as much. I believed all the hype about sacrificing your own wants and needs if you wanted to have a partnership (marriage) and be a good parent (mom guilt). 

I'm sure many of you have made sacrifices over the years that made you a good girl or a good parent or a sacrificial lamb in one way or another. But the narrative is changing. Therapists across the country recognize the "good girl syndrome" that was hardwired into so many of us, especially in my generation where our parents worked extra hard to make us happy because they didn't have the best childhoods, so they did everything in their power to make sure we never wanted for anything or had to suffer in any way. Now, I see parents of my generation bending over backwards and paying thousands of dollars a month for travel sports or dance or whatever their kid is into, because we hope that buys them happiness and prevents them from suffering or dealing with hard things. 

I made a choice this week to stop being a good girl. To stop feeling guilty for making choices that are good for me. Because guess what? A miserable me is probably going to equal a miserable partner, a miserable kid, a kid who is always on edge and wanting to make sure mom is not in a bad mood today. I don't want that for any of us. So I'm going to start doing the hard things and making decisions that make some people uncomfortable or unhappy in the moment. I am going to start making choices that push me to be better, and to live a little less tame. 

Check out this article and see if you would self-diagnose as someone who suffers from Good Girl Syndrome too. 6 Signs You Have ‘Good Girl Syndrome’ – Cleveland Clinic

Who's with me? 

Day 1

 

I've had a lot of Day 1's over the years, with different restarts and do-overs. I've struggled for many years with different self-destructive behaviors and ways to numb feelings when things get too hard. I've traveled down that miserable road too many times, and yesterday was my last Day 1. I'm ready to start over and follow the path that I'm meant to be on, without getting in my own way. 

Now, what does that path look like exactly? I have no idea. But I'm open to whatever new things come my way in this season. I'm open to being the best, healthiest, strongest version of myself. I spent a few hours with my oldest and dearest friend the other day, and her presence in my life over the past 36 years (we met in kindergarten) has been consistently supportive and insightful no matter how close or far we are from  one another (physically or figuratively as we've both followed our own paths in life). Sometimes hearing from a different perspective that I have done some things really well in life, and I still have a lot of work to do in other areas opens up your mind to a new way of looking at things. We get so set in our ways and the unhealthy methods of self-medicating and "just surviving" that I think I forgot how to enjoy the little things along the way. 

I have my own demons, we all do. I've struggled with my mental health since I was 13, trying to find healthy coping mechanisms, and I've screwed up MANY times along the way. But what matters to me in this moment, is that I am committed a BETTER way of living. A way that doesn't make me feel like a failure, like I'm losing a battle. But instead, that I am winning the war and impacting the people around me in a positive way. 

So, here's to my last Day 1. Here's to making better decisions for myself and my health (mental, physical, spiritual, emotional). It's not going to be easy, but I know it will be worth it. Sending you all love and light and good vibes on this scorching hot Tuesday in SoCal.  

Shining Like Fireworks

 Being a mom is 100% the hardest job in the world. It is also the one "job" that brings me the most joy, and yesterday was one of those unique times where I look at one of my kids and think, "maybe I didn't screw them up as bad as I thought I had." Because my kid, the one girl in my crew of chaos and crazy and weird boy stuff, she's pretty freaking amazing. 

If you haven't heard, Taylor Swift did this little thing in 2023 called the Eras Tour. If you haven't heard, I also wonder if you have access to radio, TV, social media, the Internet. Because it's pretty hard to miss! I've listened to Taylor off and on since her third album when she went more into the pop mainstream. My eldest niece was obsessed with Taylor back in the 2000s so I was a sideline fan because of her and because the older I get, the more I find myself listening to and liking Top 40 radio. My daughter started listening to Taylor (aside from just radio songs) when 1989 came out. She actually used to like to sing Bad Blood to her twin brother when he made her mad. That was her theme song for the frustrations and pain of twin life! 

So when the Eras Tour was announced in 2022, Rylee's friend's mom waited for hours online to get them tickets but wasn't successful. Fast forward to a few months ago when Taylor released additional Los Angeles dates, and her friend's mom was lucky enough to grab four tickets. My daughter works a part-time job, so she paid $260 for her ticket and was planning her outfit (Speak Now theme as that is her favorite album now) for months. One thing about my kid is that she is all heart. She puts her heart and soul into her friendships, her activities (ASB especially), and her family. She's got a heart of gold and sometimes that is abused by people who take advantage of her kindness and her willingness to go above and beyond for the people she cares about. I was so excited for her, but also nervous because she's 16 (but a young 16 in terms of life experience. She's not out running the streets or doing some of the things I was doing at 16) and she'd be in LA (Inglewood actually) with three other 16-year-olds at this concert. Mom worry set in, but I knew that I wanted her to have this experience and I trust that she makes good decisions. I was doing drop off yesterday and another mom was picking the girls up at midnight when the concert ended. 

The logistics all went fine, and waking up this morning and watching all of the videos and texts that she sent to me, I was on the verge of tears because I'm just so proud of the human she is and the good, kind heart that she has. She has sweet friends and a great circle of support and love around her. She's blessed. And life hasn't always handed us a pitcher of lemonade, we've had some lemons handed our way over the years, and she's always just stepped up and pushed through and succeeded. Seeing the joy on her face and hearing her sing out those lyrics and just love where she is and what she's doing, it makes my heart explode with happiness and pride. 

She's one of the very best things I'll ever do or create in this life, and I'm so incredibly happy that she had a night of joy and memories and all the good things in life. If you're reading this (which you probably don't, because I'm your mom and my blog is probably pretty boring to you), I couldn't love you more or be more proud of the human being that you are, Rylee Brooke. Keep shining like a firework over sad empty towns and keep surrounding yourself with people that you bring you up, not knock you down to make themselves feel bigger or better. You are amazing and I absolutely adore you.