Tennessee Travels

 My daughter, my mom and I visited my sister in Tennessee for a few days after Thanksgiving. Traveling in the past has been a very anxiety-inducing experience for me. I don't like planes, I have a touch of claustrophobia, and I stress about the details. This was the first time I've traveled where I didn't have a drink to calm the nerves or unwind after the day. And although there were definitely some moments that threw curveballs into the plans or caused a little bit of stress, it was an overall much better experience than previous trips because of my decision to be alcohol-free and my much-improved food choices which just make me feel so much better physically. 

In October, I attended my first sober wedding and we traveled to South Carolina for that. But traveling with Nick is easier because I just let him be the tour guide and I go along for the ride. Plus, he's in a lot of ways my support person, I feel stronger when he's with me generally speaking. Then in November, I experienced one of my first sober Thanksgivings in a long time, and although this trip to Tennessee was not the first alcohol-free trip (since we were there in June and I was only about six weeks post-op, I didn't drink on that trip either) but it was definitely the first one where I felt like myself and didn't need alcohol to make things easier to deal with. 

As most siblings do at some point or another, my sister and I have a complicated relationship. She's the older sister I always tried to be like growing up, but realized somewhere along the way that I actually liked who I am without trying to be just like someone else. We were competitive with each other growing up, and I think throughout our adulthood, there have been times where I felt like she was in competition with me for whatever reason (and I'm sure she's felt the same about me). We are very different, and although we've tried to be close over the years, there are some big life things that get in the way of that fairly regularly. I've accepted the fact that we are probably not ever going to be best friends because of our differences, but we can still appreciate and love each other in the relationship that we do have as sisters. Sometimes being around her can be stressful for me, because there are decisions she's made that I wouldn't have made myself (and I'm sure she would say the same about decisions I've made). 

Since a big part of the trip was to visit her, I was a little stressed out about how things would go, and I also tend to be the caretaker when my mom, Rylee and I are together. All of those pressures were definitely on me, but I managed them all so differently now that I had about 75 days of sobriety when we took this trip. It was definitely a much better frame of mind to be in as I navigated the role of trip leader and also interacting with my sister. I tend to be a little more vocal about things that I don't necessarily agree with than my mom or sister, and I definitely was more cognizant of how I approached conversations, and more aware of the fact that just because it's not my choice or what I would want, doesn't mean it's the wrong choice. I'd call that growth for sure. 

Feeling more like myself physically and emotionally than I have in years is quite a cool feeling. I don't feel like I'm on edge or crawling out of my skin, I have the most restful sleep most nights, and I'm generally just a more level person these days. It's changed so much for me, and I'm just incredibly grateful for the changes that I've made, and committed to living more authentically and alcohol-free is a big component of that path forward. 

Country Music Hall of Fame Museum

Nashville Cemetery