The Knowing, Sitting in Your Feelings & Letting Go

 As anyone who's been following along thus far is aware, I've read a ton of quit lit over the past few months. Some books I have re-read since I read them awhile back (before my RNY surgery) in an effort to get sober many months ago. The stories of women who have experienced similar things, and the impact of listening to other women in my sober online community share their stories has been huge for me. I think that's a big part of the mindset shift I feel this time around, like I know there is no looking back for me. I'm on a new path, and nothing is going to get in the way this time. 

The "knowing" is something that Glennon Doyle writes about in her book, Untamed. Laura McKown also writes about this internal gut feeling in her book, We Are the Luckiest. The common theme through these messages is that we all have this bigger knowing, gut feeling, instinct, whatever you want to call it, and we choose to listen to it or not. Once you accept the knowing, or messages from the universe or your higher power or God or that gut instinct, you can't ignore it. It becomes a part of your everyday experience, and it shows you the way. I'm experiencing that now for sure. With sobriety has come so much clarity for me. I'm incredibly grateful for that. For the confidence to know that I'm trusting myself and making the best choices for me. Letting other people sit with their feelings, not rushing to make sure everyone else around me always feels ok, and really checking in on myself to make sure I'm feeling ok and can take care of the others in my inner circle once I know that I'm not going to collapse from holding everyone else (and their feelings) up. 

Growing up a people pleaser, and identifying that as one of my biggest obstacles in the last 41 years, it's been a heavy load to carry. And it's been really therapeutic for me to let that go. To release the obligation to take care of everyone else's emotions all the time. That's not my responsibility. That's not my load to carry. I'm holding myself accountable for sitting in my own feelings, for processing the choices I've made, the mistakes along the way, and taking ownership of the pain I may have caused to others during different phases of my life. And by doing that, I'm releasing myself of the duty to hold everyone else accountable, to keep them happy at all times. That's not my responsibility. Even as a mom, my responsibility is in a lot of ways to teach my kids how to be accountable for themselves and to themselves. I can't carry the weight of each of their stresses, but I can help them through that process for themselves. I can show them how to manage their stress, how to be responsible for their words and actions, and how to let the other stuff go. It's not their burden to bear. It was never mine either. 

Wow. There's a lot of release in that statement. It was never my burden to carry. It's not yours either.