Grieving the Loss of a Friendship

 If you asked me to identify a few of my most significant friendships over the years, there's a handful that come to mind. My sister was obviously my first best friend, as most of us with older siblings can relate. Siblings are the friends that we never knew we needed, right? My bestie in kindergarten was Natalie, who is also one of the strongest women I know today. Our friendship is one that doesn't need constant attention or nurturing, but whenever one of us needs the other, I know she's got me and vice versa. Our friendship is built on admiration and a lifetime of love. In late elementary school and middle school, I'd say Denise, Sarah and Katie were my closest friends. They are all women I am still in contact with today, even though some of that is from afar, there is always love and admiration for those friendships that help us survive the teenage years. Add Tara, Nikki and Tina in there as a few more amazing and strong women I met in high school and still have much love for today. Our friendships are not ones that need constant get-togethers or phone calls, but they all know that I will always be here for them, and I know that our bond will stand the test of time, no matter how infrequently we may actually see each other face-to-face. During my first marriage, we had a group of couple friends, and some of those women are people I adore to this day. Others have experienced an end to the friendship, and I still mourn the loss of some of those that were very significant through some of the toughest times of my life, but I understand and accept that our life journeys have taken a different route. I'm grateful for those memories and the times that we had together, and I wish those women nothing but the very best. I also have mom friends that I have met over the last 10 years since we moved to our current neighborhood, and a few of them hold a very special place in my heart because of the ups and downs we've experienced together in motherhood. Some have moved away, and I don't talk to them in real life anymore, but I always will hold love and respect for those women too. 

And then there is the friendship that has been a soft place to land for close to two decades, but also a very emotionally-charged friendship almost since the beginning. It's one of those friendships that you know was meant to be a part of your life, but sometimes, the path that we are each on and the things that we hold dear and want to protect and preserve are no longer in alignment with one another. This friendship for me has had a lot of ups and downs, highs and lows. We've had periods of not speaking to each other because one of us misspoke and offended the other, or life happened and we were each going through it in our own way. We've spent long weekends or weeks together on vacation since we live in different states, and we've gone months and even years without speaking. We met through a mutual friend and instantly clicked, and she's been a friend that I can tell anything to over the years, a friend that I can't imagine not having in my life. I know I've been that for her too. 

There are things in this friendship that make me sad. I regret not being there for her as much as I should have when her mom passed away suddenly 13 years ago tomorrow. I had just married Nick a couple of weeks prior to her mom's passing, and there were a lot of hurt feelings around my wedding and her role in that day. She has shut me out for various reasons over the years, and I've done the same. There have been things I've missed out on in her life, and moments she's missed out on in mine. At the end of the day, I will always have love for her, but the past few months have taught me a few things. Sobriety and my immediate family are my number one priorities.  Spending quality time with my grandmother, my parents, my siblings and my nieces and nephews comes next in line. Refocusing on my career and taking care of myself (self-care might look different to some of you, but for me, it's getting a lot of sleep, reading quit lit, walking and moving my body every day, eating well, and getting my nails done regularly) are also at the top of my priority list as I head into the New Year. Creating solid relationships with people who share in my priorities, including sobriety, is also important. My sober community has been huge in helping me along the way these past few months. 

Ultimately, what I've learned over the past few months is that sometimes, we have to let go of friendships in order to be the most authentic version of ourselves. Sometimes, we have to grieve the loss of a friendship, and stop chasing the expectations of what someone else wants us to be. It hurts, and it's painful, but I know that this is the healthiest choice for me and my sobriety. It's funny, I used to think that drinking was my coping mechanism to deal with the stress of parenting, and I made it about surviving versus appreciating the mundane things in the everyday about parenting and marriage and life. I turned to friends and people that would tell me that what I was doing was ok, when really, I was destroying my body, my mental health, my marriage, and my relationship with my kids. One of the newest quit lit books I'm reading currently is How to Eat to Change How You Drink by Dr. Brooke Scheller, and it goes into the science behind why some people have a problem with gray area drinking and how our body chemistry and nutrition play a role in unhealthy drinking habits. As I learn more about the science behind my unhealthy relationship with drinking, I see links in my unhealthy relationships as well. The relationships I tried to destroy because they didn't align with my bad choices (to drink specifically) were the ones I should have been trying to save all along, not the friendships that were adding to my unhealthy life choices. In trying to justify my drinking choices, I was choosing all of the wrong things to focus on in other areas of my life. 

As I look towards a future of being authentically me, pursuing things that uplift me and creating positive side effects in my life rather than hangovers and feelings of guilt, I am not going to continue to chase a friendship that has done more to create negativity and feelings of failure for me. I'm going to honor the friendship and what it has been for me over the past 20 years, but I am not going to prioritize it over my mental health, sobriety, career, marriage, or my relationship with my kids. If the friendship comes back at some point and is a positive addition to the new world of authenticity that I'm creating, awesome. If not, I will let it go and stop holding on to it so tightly that it can't breathe, and therefore, can't survive. I will grieve the loss of that friendship while still being grateful for the beautiful memories that we've created together. I will always think of this friend with love and gratitude, but also with an understanding that maybe sometimes, we grow apart from people as we grow towards becoming our best selves. 

Emotional Hangovers and Self-Love

This was my first sober Christmas in many years, and it definitely brought it's own heaviness in certain ways. Of course, it was my husband's first Christmas without both of his parents, and we hosted his brother's family on Christmas Eve as we've done for many years now. The tradition started before me, but when I met Nick, we would go to his dad's and then later his aunt's in San Diego to celebrate Christmas Eve together. As his dad got older and less mobile, we started hosting, and it's been a great way for the cousins on my husband's side of the family to connect over the holidays. We don't see each other as often as we should, but those are special memories for our kids to share. Drinking on Christmas Eve has always been a thing, and it was a bit challenging this time because I wasn't drinking, but my husband has been so supportive of my personal growth the past several months, and he didn't drink either, so it was overall a good day. I was very anxious leading up to it, and the anxiety and weight of making sure all of the kids are happy is something I carry on holidays and special occasions as well. 

Christmas Day has always been spent with my parents and siblings and the cousins on the Burton side (my sister's kids and my brother's kids). There are a lot of complicated relationships and emotions on that side of the family, and balancing everything was definitely exhausting for me. I definitely had an emotional hangover after the Christmas festivities were done, and I put myself to bed at 7:30pm on Christmas Day this year. Definitely a different way of coping, but one I'm learning doesn't make me selfish, it simply makes me aware of my boundaries and my needs, and expressing those needs is a form of self-love and self-care. Those things were definitely not priorities for me in the past, it was all about survival and getting through the day and making sure everyone else was happy, even if that means I checked out by drinking and numbing all of the feelings that I had myself. 

On a sobriety community call yesterday, someone I've gotten to know as I've become a part of the LHS community shared her sobriety story. It was so impactful, and it's amazing to me how many of us women can find similarities amongst one another, even if the story on the outside might look vastly different. The speaker said something that really resonated with me. Actually, a couple of things. (1) showing yourself compassion during sobriety and doing the work on this journey to love yourself is a key to recovering, instead of just "not drinking"; and (2) finding similarities and common ground with people in recovery is the difference between doing this alone and doing it with a community - find those similarities, because if you think your story is so different than someone else's, you'd be surprised at the commonalities you can actually find there. 

Loving myself and showing myself compassion has always been a challenge for me. I can easily hand out love and care to others around me, but learning to love myself and sometimes put myself first (like when I need to go to bed when the sun goes down sometimes) is part of the healing, part of the recovery journey. Most of us with a problematic relationship with alcohol have some recovering to do, because the reasons we drank cover up deeper issues. My personal growth this year is something that my husband recognized in my anniversary card from him a couple of weeks ago. It's nice to hear that someone else is noticing, and that my journey to healing isn't viewed by others as selfish, but instead, something to be celebrated. 

So if you are struggling through something, if you are on the road to recovery or healing from a pain deep inside, don't give up. The work is worth the end result, and the journey to healing and recovering and becoming the best (most authentic) version of myself is something I'm really looking forward to in the New Year. 

Anniversary card affirmations

My monster crew with my parents on Christmas Day

Arroyo cousins on Christmas Eve

My #1 support in this journey to healing

 

Clouds, Silver Linings & 100 Days

Two days ago it was the winter solstice. The shortest day of the year which often feels like the longest day of the year because it is the darkest day of the year. I'm not someone who would have identified with getting gloomy when the days are cloudy and dark, but I do think it can have an impact on me when there are days and days of little or no sun exposure. Usually, that's my own fault because I'm just not getting outside enough and that can add to my feeling anxious or sad or just a little bit low. This winter solstice was definitely one of those days for me. It also happened to be my last day of work before a break of five days, and the heaviness of my current job since I've given notice and will only be there for another very short week because of holiday and vacation time off was probably adding to that feeling of blah. The clouds sometimes open up like this when I'm driving, and although I may be feeling sad or a little bit down on any given day, I know that there is always a silver lining, especially now that I've chosen a life without alcohol and the ups and downs that it brought to my emotional well-being. 

When it comes to my sobriety, I've chosen not to keep things secretive because I believe that in keeping things hidden, they become shameful and this is something I should be proud of, not hiding. So, when I tell my husband things about my sobriety, I often speak in front of one or more of my kids. I told my husband on Thursday evening that Friday would be 100 days sober. My 9-year-old overhead our conversation and made a point to ask me on Friday if it was my 100 days. My younger son, who is 8 years old, asked how many days I'm trying to get. I said "all the days" and he said, "until you die?" And I smiled and said yes. That felt like a big moment. All the days. Until I die. It feels heavy when I type it out, but I know that's the best answer for me, for my health, for my mental health, for my relationships and my career and my future. 

To celebrate my 100 days of sobriety, my husband and I went to Sea World with our two younger boys, and went to a restaurant we used to meet his dad at for meals when we would visit him. It was a day of bittersweet moments as we stopped by both of his parents' graves but also had some great laughs and fun memories created. This post feels a little jumbled to me, and I feel like my emotions are a little on the high and low spectrum today. It's Christmas Eve Eve, and while I love the holiday season, it doesn't come without its own set of stresses and worries, and I'm just doing my best to focus on the positive and let the negative sit where it is and not focus on it. I've felt a little on edge this week, just more irritated easily by noises the kids are making or messes that get left behind. Sobriety doesn't erase the feelings of anxiety or irritation, but it can definitely lead me to respond to those things differently, and maybe just put headphones on for a bit or hide out in my room instead of losing my cool. That will be my plan for the next several days - focus on the positive, look at the silver linings, appreciate the beauty in the clouds, and don't let the heaviness sit for too long. 

My Word for 2024: Authenticity

 Authenticity is another tricky concept for a recovering people pleaser, former "good girl" and newly sober woman. As I started to think about my word for next year, a few ideas came to mind. Peace, joy, sobriety, genuine, truth, honesty, overcome....these are a few of the words that really spoke to me. I kept thinking on it for a few more days, and kept coming back to the concept of being authentic. Being real. Being me. So AUTHENTICITY is where I landed. This will be my word for 2024. 

According to Wikipedia, "Authenticity is a concept of personality in the fields of psychology, existential psychotherapy, existentialist philosophy, and aesthetics. In existentialism, authenticity is the degree to which a person's actions are congruent with their values and desires, despite external pressures to social conformity."

In choosing authenticity for the next year, I have a few things that I want to focus on. 

1. My sobriety

2. My relationships

3. My career and goals for the future

My sobriety is the key to living my authenticity through and through. It is the cornerstone to being genuine and real and showing up as the best version of myself. It is my non-negotiable. It is my truth. My sobriety is strengthened by listening to podcasts, reading quit lit and self-improvement books and blogs, following sober influencers on social media, and journaling or writing. These are the tools in my sober toolkit and they will continue to be my tools in 2024. 

My relationships are also paramount to my authenticity in 2024. My marriage and my relationship with my kids are the most important relationships in my life. Followed closely by my relationship with my parents, my nieces, and my nephews. Those are the people I want to show up for. Next, come my relationships with my sober community, which includes family members who are sober and my online sober community and friendships I've been building since September 14, 2023. 

My career and goals for the future are the next priority for my focus on authenticity in 2024. I will be making some changes in 2024, and they might include going back to school, becoming a volunteer CASA (something I started the process for in February 2023 but was derailed by two deaths in the family and my surgery in April 2023), volunteering at my church or for non-profits that are near and dear to my heart, and following my instincts in pursuing a life that is full of passion and purpose, bringing that into my career endeavors and continuing education or training. I also plan to finish and publish my book in 2024. Those are things that I value and want to showcase in this next year of authenticity. 

Do you choose a word each year? What was your word for 2023 and how did you show up for that word? What will your word be for 2024? I'd love to know! 

My word for 2023 was victory. I think when I chose it, I wanted to be victorious over my health struggles. But I think subconsciously, I knew this would be the year I was victorious in my sobriety as well. 

The Journey Continues...90 Days

 Today, I have 90 days of continuous sobriety under my belt. I credit a couple of things for this milestone:

1. I was done with drinking. It had to be the exact moment in time when I was done, because that's how I operate. Nobody could force it or tell me I needed to do it. It had to be on me 100%. 

2. My physical and mental health depended on me making that choice. Post gastric bypass, there was no room in my body or my life for alcohol anymore. It was imperative that if I wanted to continue to make progress physically and mentally, I had to make the choice on September 14, 2023 that my last drink of alcohol was on September 13, 2023. 

Coincidentally, there was an online sober community group challenge starting on October 2, 2023. So that means a little over two weeks into my self-chosen sobriety, I was surrounded by a group of women with the same goal in mind. That community is still something I lean on to this day, through texts and video chats and online groups. Community was something I never leaned on before in my previous attempts at sobriety or cutting back or moderation. It was something I did in secret, and I had only ever tried to do by myself. Always ending in epic failure. And then the shame cycle. Rinse and repeat, over and over again. A lesson in true futility. 

As I have been for the last three months, I'm reading a ton of quit lit. I highly recommend Highlight Real by Emily Lynn Paulson to anyone who is sober curious, sober, or anywhere in between. Just finished that one a couple of days ago, and I absolutely loved it. I started This Side of Alcohol by Peggi Cooney a couple of days ago, and that has been an interesting read as well. The author didn't have a difficult relationship with alcohol until her 50s, and I think that's a story that we all need to be open to hearing. Problem drinking can occur at any age, at any life stage. I think a lot of us share in common this thread of having a problematic relationship with alcohol throughout our lives, but we don't all have the same story or shared rock bottoms or legal trouble because of our relationships with alcohol. Being open to different stories and different experiences is huge for my sober community, because of course we can all relate to each other on some level, but we also have our own unique stories to tell when we are ready to do so. 

Which leads to me another point. I'm writing a book. I don't know how long it will take me to finish, but what started as writing down my sober story and walking through the painful parts and the pieces of recovery that I'm currently experiencing has turned into a 60-something page journey. I think reading sober memoirs and quit lit has inspired me to pursue passions that have always lived inside of me, but I've never fully explored. So that's my latest adventure, and I can't wait to see where it goes. 

In sharing my 90-day milestone, I have a couple of interesting visuals for you all. The first two images are my up-close face picture in August 2023, before I started my sobriety journey. Also included is my first sobriety wheel, which I filled out on Day 1 of my Sober 70 online challenge on October 2, 2023. 

August 2023 with my oldest son

Sobriety Self-Care Wheel on 10/2/2023

The next two images are my sobriety wheel at Day 70 of the Sober 70 challenge, and a close-up photo of my face on Thanksgiving, about 8 weeks into the sober challenge and approximately 70 days of sobriety under my belt. 

Day 70 sober - Thanksgiving 11/23/23

Sobriety Self-Care Wheel - Day 70 of Sober 70 Challenge (roughly 88 days sober)

The visual of how much things have improved both in my skin and my assessment of a variety of areas of my life from physical and mental health to relationships with my family to confidence, it's all there in bright beautiful view. 

As Peggi Cooney writes in her book, "Without surrendering, nothing else makes sense in my life. It is the difference between giving up and giving it over to God. Surrendering keeps me in that humble and teachable place and makes all things possible. It makes living my life possible." (Cooney, page 119).

As a recovering people pleaser, perfectionist, good girl mentality yet rebellious by nature sober woman with a problematic relationship with alcohol, I can honestly say that surrendering is one of the toughest things for me. Giving up control, giving it over to a higher power or God, or relinquishing my grip on something whether that's my relationship with a person or my relationship with alcohol or my relationship with cutting or my relationship with my kids or significant other, it's all hard. I want things to be perfect, and so giving up control of every aspect of things is difficult for me. But I know that surrendering is something that is key to my sobriety and that's something I am going to be actively working on as I walk through this journey to the best version of me. 

One day at a time. Today, I choose not to drink. Today, I choose to show up as the best version of myself. Today, I choose me. 

Mentor Program & Finding Purpose and Passion

 Yesterday I was able to attend a holiday party with the mentorship program I'm involved in at our local high school. The Health & Medical Careers Academy (which Lucas & Rylee are both in) has a mentorship program where each of their high school juniors is matched with a mentor in the community. I am matched up with a sweet girl named Rylee (photo below) and we are part of a "mentor family" with the lady who did our family photos this year and her mentee, Mia. The program itself is something I really support, I think having an adult in your life as a high school student who isn't your teacher or parent is so impactful. I'm really glad to be part of it, and to have something outside of my own immediate family that gives me purpose and I am passionate about. I think having an impact on one teenager at a time is just as important as being a teacher (a previous goal of mine) and interacting with hundreds each school year. For me, that fills my bucket and I'm grateful for my involvement there. 

Another thing that fell by the wayside earlier this year due to the death of my father-in-law in early February followed by the death of my mother-in-law 11 days later, plus my upcoming surgery in April, was volunteering as a CASA - Court Appointed Special Advocate. Earlier this week, I reached back out to my contact at CASA to find out if I can volunteer there again. Putting feelers out and becoming involved in ways that do not negatively impact my family or add stress to our own family unit (as Safe Families did at several points in the past), but still allowing me to search for those ways to be passionate and purposeful in my day-to-day is really important to me. As I continue on my own sobriety journey, I'm excited about sharing my story in a meeting at some point in the future, and becoming more involved with the online sober communities I've joined. I'm nearing 90 days of sobriety, and I am feeling like after many years off track, I'm coming back to who I was meant to be, and that feels so damn good. 

My Corner of the World

 I follow a lot of women on social media who have their own small businesses or podcasts or other ventures. I applaud those women who set themselves up with extra sources of income, and those that are writing books and changing the narrative for sober culture and women in leadership positions. I want all of the women in my life to succeed and live a life full of passion and purpose. That's my goal for 2024 for sure. I want to focus on my overall health (mental, physical, spiritual, emotional, financial) and I want to be the best version of myself moving forward. Those are my goals. 

I've thought in the past that I need a goal bigger than my small circle if I'm going to live a life full of passion and purpose. I've thought that I need to have a job that gives back and creates an impact, and is in the service space (social work, teaching, counseling, etc.). But you know what? I heard a podcast this morning and have been thinking on this idea for the past few weeks, and I've come to a different conclusion for myself. My small circle matters. Raising four productive human beings matters. Being a light to my family and friends matters. And that's enough. That's enough of a life full of passion and purpose, even if it only directly impacts a circle of 10 people. I don't need to impact 500 students a year in order to be making an impact. I can be a positive influence on one kid through a mentorship program and that's good enough. I can make a positive impact on my kids' circle of friends. That's enough. I can volunteer with a group at church and that's enough. My impact doesn't need to be attached to my primary paycheck. I could start a podcast and have an impact that way. I could write a book and just publish it on Amazon and see where it goes from there. I don't need to change the world in big ways, changing my circle of the world in small ways on the daily is enough. 

Being a perfectionist, I don't always feel like what I do is enough. But then if someone else does the same thing, I'm so impressed and inspired by them. It's like I've lived in a world where no matter what I do, it won't be enough. 2024 is going to be the year that what I do is enough FOR ME. I think it's always been enough for others in my small circle, but never enough for me. And that's what I need to change. I need to be comfortable in my own skin (2023 definitely brought progress in that regard) and I need to be proud of the impact I make, even if it's on my four kids for the next 10 years, and no one else. Or maybe it's the five brave souls who read my blog every week, maybe that's where my impact will be. Whatever it is, it's enough. That's true for me, and that's true for you! Don't sell yourself short, because I guarantee, more people are watching than you think. 

Here's a photo of my corner of the world about seven years ago. They matter. 

Pivots & Clarity

 One of our family traditions on Thanksgiving is sharing what we are thankful for, starting with the youngest person to the wisest person at the table. When it was my turn this year, I struggled for a minute, and said that I was grateful to be following a new career path. At the time, it felt like the right thing to say, but since it's been a little over a week since I spoke that out loud, I've been thinking a lot about that decision. 

As anyone who knows me or has followed along up until this point on the blog knows, I have made some big pivots in my life, especially when it comes to career. Usually, I end up right back in the same spot for a variety of reasons. And it appears that I am about to do it once again. But this time, I have a lot more peace about that decision, and I'll tell you why. 

I've been working in human resources for almost twenty years. There are definitely pieces of this career that I really enjoy - making positive changes in a workplace, streamlining processes and procedures, working with employees and leadership and coaching them through difficult situations. But over the past few years, I've lost some of my passion for the field maybe because of the roles I've been in, or maybe because I got burnt out and needed to breathe new life into my career. 

In considering going back to school to become a teacher, I've realized a few things over the past couple of weeks. A lot of people who are in the field of teaching (either as teachers or adjacent to it) have offered insight into the pain points of being an educator in today's world. There's a lot of loopholes and headaches and challenges, not to mention the $20k in debt to go through a teaching credential program, the tests I'd need to take, the continually feeling like I'm starting over again. And I'm not excited about that at all. There are only a couple of pieces of the teaching path that truly excite me; 1) the learning process of going back to school, reading, writing, and researching, 2) the interaction with teens and being able to mentor them and make an impact on their lives, and 3) the feeling that I'm doing something that gives me purpose and I am passionate about. 

The downsides to switching careers in my 40s would be losing the flexibility of working in an HR role whether that is 100% remote or hybrid, and the ability to show up for all of my kids' activities and events at school and after school, and the capacity to work on other passion projects like this blog because I'm not spending my free time in class for a credential program. 

I've been weighing out the pros and cons of it all, and have landed in a spot where I feel at peace with my decision. I talked it through with my online sober community and received a personal message from someone telling me how at peace I seemed with where I've landed. I feel good about this pivot once again, to stay in the career I've built and to invest in myself further with funneling my desire to learn and grow into learning more about sobriety and becoming involved in the sober community online that I've been introduced to over the past few months. Taking my desire to work as a mentor with teens and applying that with a local mentorship program that I've done for the last year, and maybe taking it a step further if the opportunity presents itself for more mentorship whether it's through youth group at church or at the high schools nearby. 

It also hit me that maybe I've always held onto this notion of living a life full of passion and purpose needing to overhaul my life and career entirely, when I'm coming to the realization that I can do that with passion projects, not a complete life and career change. I can live a life that I'm passionate about and have purpose in helping other women in their sobriety journey, and impacting teenagers 1-on-1 as the opportunity presents itself. I can immerse myself in quit lit and studying sobriety and using that to not only have an impact on others but improve myself along the way. 

Like many of you, I'm sure when you hear the word "pivot", all you think about is the episode of Friends where they are trying to move a couch up the stairwell. I feel like my life in the past several years has looked a lot like that scene. Frantically trying to fit the pieces into the puzzle I think I should be building, instead of taking a deep breath and being appreciative of the puzzle I've already built, and working from there instead of creating something brand new that I'm not excited about. If I'm going to spend $20k for a new career, it should be something I can't wait to dig into, something I'm excited about and that's just not the case. My life today looks a lot different than it did 20 years ago when I first thought about becoming a teacher. My life now has shifted my priorities so that teaching isn't the end of the road for me. But that doesn't mean I can't live a life full of passion and purpose in this current season, and I'm feeling more at peace with that realization than I have in a long time.

Sobriety, once again, has brought me so much clarity. And a willingness to dig in and figure things out before I'm in over my head and regretting my decisions. I'm able to think things through and get to these choices before I blow up my life, and I'm super grateful for that today. 

If I could have a rewind and say what I'm thankful for this year, I'd 100% say my sobriety and my health. Without a doubt. And this decision keeps those two things at the forefront of my day-to-day and I know in my heart that I am headed exactly where I should be as we finish out 2023.