Clouds, Silver Linings & 100 Days

Two days ago it was the winter solstice. The shortest day of the year which often feels like the longest day of the year because it is the darkest day of the year. I'm not someone who would have identified with getting gloomy when the days are cloudy and dark, but I do think it can have an impact on me when there are days and days of little or no sun exposure. Usually, that's my own fault because I'm just not getting outside enough and that can add to my feeling anxious or sad or just a little bit low. This winter solstice was definitely one of those days for me. It also happened to be my last day of work before a break of five days, and the heaviness of my current job since I've given notice and will only be there for another very short week because of holiday and vacation time off was probably adding to that feeling of blah. The clouds sometimes open up like this when I'm driving, and although I may be feeling sad or a little bit down on any given day, I know that there is always a silver lining, especially now that I've chosen a life without alcohol and the ups and downs that it brought to my emotional well-being. 

When it comes to my sobriety, I've chosen not to keep things secretive because I believe that in keeping things hidden, they become shameful and this is something I should be proud of, not hiding. So, when I tell my husband things about my sobriety, I often speak in front of one or more of my kids. I told my husband on Thursday evening that Friday would be 100 days sober. My 9-year-old overhead our conversation and made a point to ask me on Friday if it was my 100 days. My younger son, who is 8 years old, asked how many days I'm trying to get. I said "all the days" and he said, "until you die?" And I smiled and said yes. That felt like a big moment. All the days. Until I die. It feels heavy when I type it out, but I know that's the best answer for me, for my health, for my mental health, for my relationships and my career and my future. 

To celebrate my 100 days of sobriety, my husband and I went to Sea World with our two younger boys, and went to a restaurant we used to meet his dad at for meals when we would visit him. It was a day of bittersweet moments as we stopped by both of his parents' graves but also had some great laughs and fun memories created. This post feels a little jumbled to me, and I feel like my emotions are a little on the high and low spectrum today. It's Christmas Eve Eve, and while I love the holiday season, it doesn't come without its own set of stresses and worries, and I'm just doing my best to focus on the positive and let the negative sit where it is and not focus on it. I've felt a little on edge this week, just more irritated easily by noises the kids are making or messes that get left behind. Sobriety doesn't erase the feelings of anxiety or irritation, but it can definitely lead me to respond to those things differently, and maybe just put headphones on for a bit or hide out in my room instead of losing my cool. That will be my plan for the next several days - focus on the positive, look at the silver linings, appreciate the beauty in the clouds, and don't let the heaviness sit for too long.