Unsettled but Settled

 I have a love-hate relationship with change. I do not like change (like most people) when it comes to the actual implementation of that change. I am a creature of habit, and I like creating routines and being able to expect what is coming next so I can respond appropriately. Being a mom, that's necessary, as any of you raising teens or toddlers can relate! We're always on our toes, ready to react to the latest explosion of toddler tyranny or teenage drama. I get excited about new things, and tend to throw myself in full force whenever I start a new job, a new class, a new training, I'm all in and ready to go, until the change itself creates a sense of unsettledness because it's new and different, and I'm not the master of it yet. 

Growing up a perfectionist and a people pleaser, I always want to be the master of whatever I'm doing (school, soccer, parenting, job tasks) right off the bat. I don't like not being the best at things, and I previously got my self-worth and ego boosts from being told that I'm doing a good job and that I'm crushing it in whatever arena of life I'm obsessing over at the time. After getting sober 113 days ago in the phase of life I'm calling my forever sobriety because there's no going back for me this time, I see a shift in the way I respond to words of affirmation or encouragement. They don't make me feel the same way anymore, although they are appreciated, I don't NEED them to feel fulfilled. I'm learning to get that fulfillment on my own through taking care of my emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. Not needing others to fill my cup, and learning that I can do that for myself without being selfish or ignoring the needs of my little corner of the world. So there's a sense of feeling SETTLED in that sense, because I'm learning more about what I need and how to not just survive but thrive in this season of life. 

However, starting a new job this week has definitely thrown me for a loop in terms of feeling unsettled and not perfect at all the things. That's something I struggle with, intrinsically built into my makeup is a need to be perfect, to perform, to always set the bar a little higher. The second day of my new job, I felt burnt out and like I was failing already. Instead of turning and running from that, like I would have several months ago (and actually did do that with another job I was supposed to start last September), I took lots of deep breaths and focused on the tasks at hand, one thing at a time, one meeting at a time, one minute to the next. Taking those small bites of life instead of thinking about the next 10 years and overwhelming myself is important on this healing journey. 

I'm not 100% sure this is my forever job. There are definitely some positives - I love the company mission and values, the people are great so far, and it's something I know I can do because I've been doing similar roles for the past 20 years. Is this something that will fill my life with passion and purpose? Maybe. Maybe not. And I'm trying to learn to be ok with that. Nothing has to be the forever plan. This might be the next six months, and it might be the next 20 years. I'm trying to be ok with the feelings of unsettledness and take it day-by-day, and not have to be the master of anything in the next several weeks. It's ok for me to learn and not be the best. It's ok for me to have crying breaks if I feel overwhelmed. Or to take a walk to clear my head. Or read some quit lit and re-teach myself that I'm not alone in the ups and downs that this journey often takes. 

I woke up this morning with a sore throat, a text from my son that he got another ticket (they should probably just take his license away at this point), but feeling like I needed to write some things out, get these thoughts out of my head and onto the screen, and then push forward with the meetings on my calendar today and the mom things that come with the everyday of it all. Taking on a new job while the kids are still on Christmas break, balancing the needs of everyone in the household as part of the invisible mental and emotional load of motherhood (even when we both work full-time jobs, the majority of that load falls on me, as I am undoubtedly the default parent in our household), and making sure my little people get to basketball practice and orthodontist appointments and all the things, it can be a lot. 

For today, I'm going to accept that this is a season of being unsettled. That I don't need to have it all figured out. That I can do a good job in my new role and still take care of myself and not need to be the best at everything right away. I can just see how things go and not make any drastic decisions. I can let things settle even while I feel unsettled.