The Responsibility to Change is Yours

 Change. Transformation. Evolution. Growth. All of these words mean something different to each of us. Some have positive connotations; some are scary as hell. As I've been letting the unsettledness of life lately just take shape and not do anything to make it feel more settled, I've been more open to the idea of not needing to find 100% happiness in my chosen career. I think there's something to be said for finding great joy in your job, and having your paycheck be attached to something that sets your soul on fire. As I've blogged about before, I think it's also ok to have a career that you don't mind, and that you can find joy in (whether that's the people you work with, the organization's mission, the pieces of good that you find in the mundane of the everyday of it all), but that doesn't necessarily set your heart on fire. I think it's perfectly acceptable to have a side gig or family or a volunteer opportunity that ignites your true passion. 

As I'm starting to think about what 2024 has in store for me and my family, and that includes my twins starting their senior year of high school in August as well as Micah finishing elementary school and Jaxon not far behind, I'm exploring different ideas of what my passion projects for this year could be. I'm taking my blogging more seriously, committing to posting at least twice a week and possibly turning some of that blogging and past writing I've done about my life and my journey to sobriety into a book-length venture. I'm also committed to continuing my self-improvement through reading books in the quit lit and self-transformation genres, becoming more involved at church whether that's through a life group or volunteering once a month in the nursery/preschool department, or something else. I'm also committed to showing up for as much of my own kids' stuff as I can - orthodontist appointments, sporting events, awards and volunteer opportunities at their schools. All the things. I took a hybrid (mostly remote) job in HR instead of pursuing the teaching path because I want to prioritize my kids and my role as mom more than I want to influence hundreds of kids each year teaching. I want to have a bigger, more prominent impact on my kids, and being around and working remotely is the decision I've made to make that happen. To influence my little corner of the world. 

Today in church, our pastor was talking about the vision for 2024. In that, he discussed how the responsibility to make a transformation lies in different arenas: personal (you), communal (church/group), and faithful (trusting in God's vision for you). I want to take a minute to explore the idea of personal responsibility for transformation. I think even if you don't believe in God or a higher power, you will resonate with this piece. In listening to the lecture today, I thought about the ways that I did not take responsibility for my own growth in years past, mostly due to my decision to let alcohol numb me from the pain and feelings that motherhood and life brought on a daily basis. The decision to drink effectively took away my responsibility for anything. I could blame my circumstances, the pandemic, my unhappiness, my default parenting role, and anything else under the sun for my inability to take control of my own personal growth. In my sobriety, I see much clearer that it is up to me what I choose to make of the circumstances I find myself in. If I don't love every aspect of human resources as a career, but I love the flexibility of working remotely, I appreciate the company's vision and mission statement, and I enjoy working with colleagues and leaders who share in that vision, then maybe, just maybe, it's ok to be happy in that role and not need more out of my day-to-day. And just to get a little crazy, perhaps it's an opportunity to find out ways that I can grow as a professional, as a leader, as a mom, as a woman through my day-to-day job. Perhaps my job itself doesn't have to change the world, but the ways in which I choose to do my job and prioritize things in my life based on the job I choose, that's how I change my little corner of the world. That's how I allow myself to grow personally. Maybe that's where I find the responsibility for my own personal growth in 2024. 

I still dream about doing different things. But maybe those things can come alongside my 9-to-5 that pays the bills. Maybe I can volunteer, and blog and write and start a podcast one day. Maybe I can become more involved in the online sober communities that have been so instrumental in my journey thus far. Maybe I can find ways to incorporate my personal growth into the workplace, and positively impact others around me with a commitment to sobriety and self-awareness. And if that's the case, I can start to look at my 9-to-5 through a different lens, one that lets me appreciate the position I find myself in, rather than being resentful that I didn't choose something different twenty years ago. Maybe my personal responsibility to growth doesn't have to look like the traditional "helper" career of teacher or nurse. Maybe working in human resources and impacting others in less direct ways is just as important to my own story and someone else's journey. Anything is possible, and I'm committed to looking through that positive lens and seeing where things go from here. 

Instead of trying to drive the ship and control my transformation, my spiritual change, I'm going to allow God's faithfulness, my commitment to sobriety and being my most authentic self, and the choosing of family as my number one priority to shape the outcome.