Dreams, Fear, and Finding Your Way

One of my core fears when I got divorced and was a newly single mom of toddler twins was that they would be taken away from me. I had nightmares that one of the twins was taken away, that they lived with their biological dad full-time, or that they weren't returned to me after a scheduled visitation with their dad and paternal grandmother. I would wake up scared and stressed out. 

 I had one of those unsettling dreams last night. My daughter, Rylee, was about 2 years old in the dream. Her paternal grandmother refused to give her back to me. For some reason, I was able to pick Lucas up after one of their scheduled visits, but she wouldn't let me have Rylee. In my dream, I was devising a plan to get Rylee back, and I woke up before the resolution was found. Even though my Rylee girl is now 17 and clearly lives with me full-time and could call me or drive herself out of an uncomfortable situation, one of my core fears remains that my kids will be taken from me, without me having the power or say to get them back. It brings me back to those stressful days of custody hearings and always feeling like the other shoe was going to drop when I least expected it. 

Imagine my relief when I woke up and (after a few seconds) realized that all was well and all four of my kids were safely still in bed in my home. Although that dream doesn't hold a lot of actual possibility these days, it still scared me and made me feel anxious when I woke up. It's still unsettling to think of your core fears, even when they no longer hold any validity in your current day life. Those core fears are built into our emotions and hold a power over us in moments of fear, anxiety, or unsettledness. 

We've all encountered difficult things in our lives. Some of those difficulties are more unsettling or fear-inducing that others, but each of us has our own experience to share and we can all learn and grow from our shared experiences, successes, and even failures. The fears that would debilitate me 15 years ago no longer hold real weight in my everyday life. I am settled in my relationship with my kids and the fact that no one can take them from me. I know that logically, but waking up from a dream when that wasn't the case is still unsettling until I get my bearings and remind myself of the true reality, and that the core fear that accompanied my every thought 15 years ago no longer carries the same weight. 

Finding my way over the past (almost) 5 months has been quite the journey. I don't wake up every day thrilled to be working in HR. But I am grateful for my job and my career in that it allows me the room to pursue passions that do light my soul on fire. I'm finding ways to express myself through writing, and becoming more involved in my sober communities. 

Today marks 150 days sober for me. I don't track days as closely as some other people choosing an alcohol free life. Because for me, the days don't matter as much as the experience of fully knowing who I am and where I am headed, and that's to a destination of forever sobriety. I'm proud of the days I've collected under my belt, but they don't define me. My heart, my focus, my intentions - those are what define me now. My fears, my worries, my anxiety - they don't control my every move. My desire to be authentically me, to remain alcohol-free, and to find those things that allow me to pursue a passion-filled life whether that's through writing a blog a couple times a week or taking a walk and appreciating the sunshine that we haven't seen in So Cal that much over the past week, or cheering my boys on in their basketball game later today, it's all part of finding my way and living my most authentic life. 

This photo is my home screen on my phone. My lock screen is a picture of my family, they are part of my why for the decisions I've made in the past five months, and even before that in deciding to put my health as a priority and go through gastric bypass surgery last year. But they aren't the only reason. Finding my way, and knowing that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be right now, that's another piece of the why puzzle. 

And today, 150 days since I decided alcohol wasn't serving me in pursuing these passions and living my authentic best life, I'm grateful that my fears no longer define me. I'm proud of the steps I've taken thus far. And I'm looking forward to the rest of the journey.