Ride or Die Friendships & Choosing Honesty over Loyalty

 Up until very recently, I believed 100% in ride-or-die friendships. The ones that would help you bury a body, "Goodbye Earl" style. And I think there's a time and place and season in life for those types of friendships. I've been lucky enough to have a few of those in my lifetime, and they definitely served a purpose in a time of my life when I needed that kind of blind, no exceptions, ride-or-die support. 

Now, as I am finding my place and my footing as a sober woman, mom, wife, employee, writer...etc., etc., I find myself reading all the time. Whether I'm reading a romance novel (hello, late to the game obsessive addiction to Colleen Hoover's books) or self-help or sobriety memoir or just reading articles online about workplace culture and project management and human resources, I find myself really absorbing information in a way now that I didn't when I was drinking. My mind is more open to everything, and I'm capable of actually retaining information. Now, a miracle didn't happen, and I'm still a busy working mom, so my retention rate is not 100%, but it's way better now than it was a year ago, I can assure you! 

I was reading this weekend, and the amazing CoHo wrote this in It Starts With Us. And it got me all in the feels, appreciative for the friendships and family relationships that I have today, even while mourning the loss of friendships from earlier days. 

"She's not a ride-or-die friend, nor is she a ride-or-die sister. That's what I love the most about her, because I'm not ride-or-die either. If you do something stupid, I'm going to be the friend who tells you you're doing something stupid. I'm not going to join you in your stupidity. I want my friends to treat me the same way. I prefer honesty over loyalty any day, because with honesty comes loyalty." 

What a freaking gem of a statement that is! 

I don't want to be ride-or-die. That has gotten me in a position before where I have blinders on to what a friend (or romantic partner) is doing, because I'm going to blindly follow them along their path of stupidity. I value honesty over loyalty, even if that honesty hurts sometimes. When I argue with my husband (spoiler alert, most married couples argue), I may not like his brutal honesty, but I value that he can be real with me. I also want his loyalty, but like CoHo said so much more eloquently than I am, loyalty comes along as part of the package deal when you sign up for honesty in your relationships. 

My posts earlier this week/weekend were emotionally draining for me to write, and for me to process through writing those blogs. Sometimes I still really hate myself for some of the choices I made when I was drinking, when I was hurting, when I was more broken than I am today. 

But you know what? I'm learning as I go, and that's ok too. I'm redefining what peace looks like in my life, and doing everything in my power to protect my peace. If that means I take a 6-hour nap on a Sunday, so be it. If that means I go for a 30-minute walk on my lunch break to get some Vitamin D and let my thoughts circle around for a bit, awesome. 

Changing is ok. Growing is wonderful. And accepting yourself in whatever stage you're in is as beautiful thing.