Shame Spirals

 I was looking for old pictures to post a birthday shout-out for my dad last weekend. Digging through photo albums on Snapfish can be fun and also torturous. It's cool to see old photos of my kids and nieces and nephews. But it's also torture to see some of those photos of times when I can't piece together what I did or didn't do when I was drinking. 

One photo album that grabbed my attention and put me in a bit of a shame spiral was a wedding in 2009, a few weeks after I met Nick and when I was still using alcohol to numb all of the emotions I didn't want to feel. I look at photos of me giving a speech (or actually, passing my speech over to someone else to read for me because I was too wasted to give the speech) and I cringe. I look at photos where I can see in my eyes that I was no longer present, and it makes my stomach turn over. 

The shame spiral and regret of choices I made when I was actively choosing to numb everything with alcohol can be painful still. I know I'm never going back to that, but I also recognize that I complicated friendships and made events really uncomfortable for some people because of my choices. I know that I won't repeat those circumstances because I know what alcohol does to my mind, my body, my emotions and my relationships now. But it's still icky to look back and remember (partially at least) what I did to people I loved because I wasn't capable of dealing with my real feelings. 

We all have trauma. I have trauma from my first marriage. I brought that trauma into my relationships with friends and romantic partners for several years to follow that divorce. In 2009, I was just figuring out how to navigate a real adult relationship with Nick, and there were people that got pulled through that mess for a while. I want to take the opportunity now to apologize to my friends, Katie and Jon, for what I showed up as at their wedding and reception. I am so sorry for my actions and for putting you in a position that was uncomfortable because of my choices. You were some of my favorite people for several years during a messy time of my life, and I am deeply sorry for anything that I said or did that put you in a tricky position. You are still some of my favorite people, whether or not our paths cross frequently anymore. I hope you know that the person I showed up as sometimes was not the authentic me that I'm striving to be now. 

Katie was my closest friend for some of the hardest years of my adult life, and although we have parted ways (probably because I was a hot mess for a long time during our closest years), I always think of her with fond memories. I am sure some of my actions towards the end of our closest friendship years have made her think of me with pain and regret. I'm truly sorry for that, Cracker Jack. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see you and Jon living out your happily ever after, even if I only have a distant seat from the bleachers watching it play out on social media now. You guys meant a lot to me at one of the times I was not my best self. I am grateful for you both, and apologize from the bottom of my heart for any pain I caused to you. I promise I'm working hard to make better choices, and I hope that one day, we can all look back on the good times with a smile, and recognize that some of the bad times were a blip in our lives that we can all move on from. I hope that the shame spirals and regret that I have don't cloud all of our memories of the truly fun and happy times we shared. 

I can't live my life in regret anymore. I can let that shame spiral and feeling of regret simmer for a minute or a couple of hours, but I have to move forward. I have to keep putting one step in front of the other and move towards the life I want to create now. It doesn't mean that the past disappears, but it does mean that it's something that will stay in the past, because I don't want to live like that anymore. I don't want the shame and regret to rule my mind and make the present and future something ugly or heavy. I want to rewrite the story and move to the next chapter. But I'll never forget all of the good times we shared, Cracker Jack. You will always be one of my favorite people.