The List - 10 Things I Love About Me Now

 The list is long. 

The list of the shit I used to drink over. Pretty much anything that didn't feel good or caused stress or made me want to escape reality. 

I'd put anything on that list of shit to drink over - the kids were being too loud and I have a headache from my hangover the night before? Make myself a drink to feel better. 

My husband is working too many hours to pay for our nice house and all the things that come along with a family of six. Make myself a drink to relax. 

I feel alone in parenting because my husband works a lot of hours, and even when he is home, the kids come to me first. Whether they want a pack of fruit snacks or a hug, I'm their girl. Make myself a drink to feel less alone, and to comfort myself because this mom shit is hard. 

Yesterday, something happened that I for sure would have felt sorry for myself about, and then drank over. My husband and kids and I (minus my oldest who was working) went to Knott's Berry Farm, a local amusement park for a few hours. We had the best time. Everyone was laughing and joking together, there was minimal arguing, and it was just a good couple of hours. Afterwards, we were going to grab some lunch, and Micah (our resident foodie) wanted Mexican food. It was Sunday, so the closest option only had brunch which is expensive for a family our size, and considering I eat like a 5-year-old now since I had my gastric bypass surgery last year, it's pointless to spend $40 on a meal for me. So my husband just assumed I'd be happy to sit and watch everyone else eat. He didn't mean it maliciously, but he knows I don't eat a lot at each meal, and I think he sees it as time to spend together without considering how it makes me feel to literally watch everyone else eat while I drink my ice water. 

That would have 100% been a big reason to drink myself into a stupor had it happened last year at this time. That, my friends, is growth. Sure, I was a little pissed off and felt like my feelings weren't considered at all in the decision to eat at a brunch buffet. But, I ate my pack of Goldfish crackers in the car when we left, and I let it go. I didn't drink over it. Because nothing is worth drinking over these days. I don't want to go backwards. I'm much happier sober, and a much better version of myself. 

I'll be six months sober in 10 days. When I first started this sobriety journey, I didn't know what six months would feel like. The days seemed to take forever to add up at the beginning, but now it seems like the normalcy of not drinking is settling in. I don't think about stopping at the store on the way home to get a bottle of whiskey (or vodka when I was trying to "cut back" - in my mental gymnastics at the time trying to moderate, I thought switching up to vodka would mean I'd drink less). I don't think about what time of the day it is in terms of how many more hours until I can reasonably fill up my 32 ounce "Mama Bear" tumbler with Jack and Coke Zero. I don't wake up feeling like shit because I drank too much and can't remember if I was mean to my kids or husband the night before. 

Today, I'm writing out a list of 10 things I love about myself, most of which I couldn't even recognize six months ago when I was drinking to numb the feelings, and drinking to relax and drinking just because that's what society told me I should do if I wanted to survive motherhood. 

1. I love my passion for writing. 

2. I love my passion for reading. 

3. I love my body more today than I have in ten years. 

4. I love my relationship with my twins. I love that they include me in conversations about their lives. And they do that willingly in large part because of what we've been through together, and also because now I'm fully present for all of those moments and conversations.

5. I love my relationship with my husband. It's better than it has been in 13 years. 

6. I love my commitment to the people that I love.

7. I love being a crazy sports mom. 

8. I love how genuine my smile is in photos now. 

9. I love that my body can fit into amusement park rides so I can enjoy those memories with my kids instead of sitting on the sidelines. 

10. I love that I am smart and disciplined when it comes to work and education.