An Unperfect Blend

 When I found myself divorced and a single mom to twin toddlers at the ripe old age of 25, I was very unsure of what the future looked like for me and the twins. I was unconvinced that I would find a man mature enough to be a good father figure to the twins who didn't have kids or a divorce or two of his own under his belt. I was equally as unconvinced that I'd find a man my age who was mature enough to be a father figure at all. In my defense, the twins' biological dad was 26 and decided this was all too much responsibility for him, so my fears were valid (at least in my head). 

I knew that no matter what the circumstances were, the man I invited into our lives would have to be solid, dependable, and would have to treat my kids like they were his own. I had huge reservations about dating anyone who had kids of his own, as double-standard as that may sound, I knew that I could not be a good stepmom, because of my own experience with coparenting with my ex-husband. I knew it would be too much emotionally for me to balance it all. 

I will forever be grateful that Nick was willing to walk into a situation with twins who were almost 3 years old when we met, and that he never batted an eye to the fact that I was still close to the twins' paternal grandparents. He accepted our situation for what it was and although blended families are tricky, I've never once doubted his intention to be a positive father figure to the twins, and I will never NOT appreciate how he has showed up for them. 

That being said, blended families are hard. The definition of blend is to "mix (a substance) with another substance so that they combine together." 

That combining is tough. We all bring in our own feelings to a blended family situation. Some of my feelings probably inhibited Nick from taking on a true father role in the twins' lives from the very beginning, because I always kept boundaries up. I kept their financial responsibilities firmly in my own bank account, and Nick and I had separate bank accounts for the first several years of our marriage. I also asked Nick not to take on a disciplinarian role with the twins for the first few years at least. He was always very cautious about not taking their biological dad's place in any way, but as their biological dad became less involved, and Nick was always there, he gradually just moved from Nick to Daddy Nick to Dad. He's been gracious with me and the twins from the get-go. 

Yet, there's still situations that pop up as a blended family where I feel like I am carrying the weight of everyone's emotions on my shoulders, and trying to blend this family seamlessly. The thing is, that I'm slowly learning to accept, there's nothing seamless about people and emotions. There's no perfect way for a blended family to look. So many people that we meet out in the wild just assume that Nick is the twins' biological dad, because there isn't another dad that shows up for them. There isn't a situation of them spending every other weekend somewhere else. Since they were 5 or 6, they've been exclusively with Nick and I, except for the occasional weekend spent at their grandparents house. Our blended family situation isn't typical, but its ours and we do our best with it. 

I still feel sometimes like I've created a division between Nick and the twins because of the boundaries I set up at the beginning. My relationship with the twins is very emotionally based. There's been a lot of growing up that the three of us have done together over the years. They've seen me struggle with an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, an unhealthy weight, unhealthy emotional regulation. They've been there through most of the growing pains of my adult life. I had them when I was 24 years old, and we've grown up together in a lot of ways. 

My relationship with the younger boys is more parent/child without the blurred lines that might exist between me and Lucas and Rylee. The boys have had a mom and dad (biological) in their home since day one. They have three siblings each, and none of those are "half" siblings in their eyes, because they've all spent 100% of their time together growing up in the same house. The twins and I lived in a few different homes, and the boys have only ever known one home. 

The blending, the disruptions during the twins' younger years, and the way that I set up our family dynamics when Nick came into the picture are all pieces of our story. It's an unperfect blend, but I'm still thankful that it's part of our story. 

First Christmas with Nick (2009)

Christmas 2023