The Mental Weight of Motherhood

 I'm sure I have blogged about this before, but why not share how I've been feeling lately? That's what you're all here for, right? (wink, wink) The mental weight of motherhood is heavy, my friends. I was talking to another mom of four the other day, and her kiddos are much younger than mine. I told her honestly how the challenges don't go away as the kids get older, they just get different. Instead of worrying if your 3-year-old is going to run into the street, you worry about them driving around late at night with drunk drivers and other teenagers on the road without a care in the world. Instead of worrying if they're eating enough vegetables, you worry about what they see and hear in the high school bathrooms. Motherhood doesn't get easier as the kids get older, it just gets different. 

My kids stay pretty busy, but the summertime is generally a slower season for us with sports and activities. Once school is back in session in mid-August, sports start up and this year, Micah decided he wants to do his trifecta Spartan races and also play flag football for the first time. He's also playing on the same soccer team as Jaxon, so between those activities, the only day we will have "free" during the week is Sundays once soccer and football games start up. 

I love being a sports mom, but the practices and games and homework in between can be really exhausting during the week. Add on top of that having two high school seniors and life just feels really full right now. I know I will miss the days of sports games and Homecoming dances and school assemblies. I have a packed calendar, and that's just my kids' activities, never mind work and cleaning the house and making sure everyone showers and eats and brushes their teeth. 

I have to give Nick a little bit of credit here, because he is an involved dad. He picks the boys up from school and takes them to and from football and soccer practice when he's off work. But because I work from home, I become the default parent most of the time. The school calls me first if someone is in the nurse's office. The boys will walk right past their dad sitting on the couch and come ask me a question when I'm sitting at my desk working or on the phone or otherwise engaged. I am the go-to, because that's what moms do. We get shit done, and we take care of everyone else. Here's a peek at my September calendar for a visual punch.

My kids are doing big things. They're getting letterman's jackets and going to concerts and visiting national parks and running Spartan races. I'm so proud of who they are, each in their own way. But it doesn't come without a lot of mental and emotional energy behind it. 

I saw a post on Instagram last week that said "U.S. Surgeon General says 4 in 10 parents are 'so stressed they cannot function.'" I think I'm functioning fairly well most days (big props to being alcohol-free which allows me to function much better than I was in years past!), but I do struggle with the mental load of motherhood. It is hard most days, and really hard some days. But when I stop and take a breath, I know at the end of the day, it's all worth it, because my kids are my greatest accomplishments and my very favorite people. Even when I'm exhausted to my core, I'm blessed to be their mom, and I'm proud of them every single day. 

Jaxon in Zion National Park this summer

Rylee at Olivia concert this summer

Lucas's letterman's jacket 

Micah's Spartan Race 

Embracing Being a Quitter - But Also Knowing When to Stick It Out

 Yesterday, I went and got my 10th laser tattoo removal treatment. I had blogged back in April about deciding to stop torturing myself, but then I found out that I had only one treatment left to make it to the 10 that I prepaid for back in March 2022. So it took about 2.5 years to get 10 treatments, spacing them out anywhere from 8 weeks to 16 weeks depending on the scheduling and if I was trying to avoid a treatment in there. They say the more you space things out, the better the results. After 10 treatments, I can definitely see a difference, but I am in no way close to the tattoos being completely removed. 

So, I am at a crossroads. Is it time to quit or time to stick it out? 

I decided it's time to quit, at least for now. I have felt over the past year or so that the tattoo removal is another way for me to punish myself for poor decisions in the past. But as I'm nearing one-year alcohol-free, I am accepting that it's ok for the past to stay in the past, and for me to move in a different direction in my future without continuing to punish myself in one way or another. With the release of my book late last month (shameless plug here: https://a.co/d/b1g3qlU), I had to accept that some people might read my book and feel like I misinterpreted certain situations that they were involved in. I had to accept that my book may hurt people's feelings or make them rethink events that they were a part of. I had to decide what to include, how much of the ugly parts of my drinking career to share, and ultimately, tell my truth regardless of how that impacted someone else reading my story. That was a hard pill to swallow, because as I've shared here before, being a "good girl" and doing what is expected of me and making other people happy has been part of my wiring from an early age. It's hard to undo some of that and make decisions that go against that mentality, but it's also been so freeing to do so throughout the book writing process.

I am choosing to tackle the laser tattoo removal process similarly. The tattoos are halfway(ish) faded. They're really ugly now. But it's painful and expensive and time-consuming to continue the process. So what is more important to me right now? Avoiding that unnecessary pain and living with the half-assed tattoos are my choice. Maybe down the right, I can look into surgical tattoo removal procedures. I've read about them and they do them in the UK, but not very often here in the U.S. unless it's part of another procedure. Maybe a mommy makeover is in my future and they can use some of my excess skin from weight loss to surgically trade out my ugly half tattoos with fresh skin. Who knows what's in store in the medical community 5 or 10 years down the road. But for now, I'm choosing to accept the tattoos for what they are, just like I'm choosing to accept myself for who I am right now in this moment. A work in progress.

I don't have a close up of what the tattoos looked like pre-laser, but you can see in this one how dark they were. And then some graphic posts of the day of laser treatment are also below and I'll share one when they're healed up in about six weeks for a full progress view. 

What have I learned throughout this 2.5 year process? 

1. Sometimes you have to embrace being a quitter. I've never been happier or more healthy than I am now as an alcohol quitter!

2. Sometimes you have to know when to stick it out and see things through to the end, if for no other reason than to challenge yourself and complete it. 

3. Since giving up alcohol, I am less of a jump in head first and then quit two minutes later kind of girl. I am learning that I have limits and that's ok. 

Fall 2018 - about a year after I got the roses (which were a cover up of cherries - should have just stuck with the damn cherries)

Day after treatment #10 - bubbles are blood blisters and you can see it's starting to scab in some places and bruising around the edges. 

Day of treatment #10 - walking wounded with bandages for a couple hours after treatment. In so much pain for about 3 hours afterwards, and then it starts to die down with Tylenol and limited movement.

Day of treatment #10

Close up of some of the scarring/bubbles

Day of treatment #10 - you can see how swollen it is from the pinkness around the tattoos