Yesterday, I went and got my 10th laser tattoo removal treatment. I had blogged back in April about deciding to stop torturing myself, but then I found out that I had only one treatment left to make it to the 10 that I prepaid for back in March 2022. So it took about 2.5 years to get 10 treatments, spacing them out anywhere from 8 weeks to 16 weeks depending on the scheduling and if I was trying to avoid a treatment in there. They say the more you space things out, the better the results. After 10 treatments, I can definitely see a difference, but I am in no way close to the tattoos being completely removed.
So, I am at a crossroads. Is it time to quit or time to stick it out?
I decided it's time to quit, at least for now. I have felt over the past year or so that the tattoo removal is another way for me to punish myself for poor decisions in the past. But as I'm nearing one-year alcohol-free, I am accepting that it's ok for the past to stay in the past, and for me to move in a different direction in my future without continuing to punish myself in one way or another. With the release of my book late last month (shameless plug here: https://a.co/d/b1g3qlU), I had to accept that some people might read my book and feel like I misinterpreted certain situations that they were involved in. I had to accept that my book may hurt people's feelings or make them rethink events that they were a part of. I had to decide what to include, how much of the ugly parts of my drinking career to share, and ultimately, tell my truth regardless of how that impacted someone else reading my story. That was a hard pill to swallow, because as I've shared here before, being a "good girl" and doing what is expected of me and making other people happy has been part of my wiring from an early age. It's hard to undo some of that and make decisions that go against that mentality, but it's also been so freeing to do so throughout the book writing process.
I am choosing to tackle the laser tattoo removal process similarly. The tattoos are halfway(ish) faded. They're really ugly now. But it's painful and expensive and time-consuming to continue the process. So what is more important to me right now? Avoiding that unnecessary pain and living with the half-assed tattoos are my choice. Maybe down the right, I can look into surgical tattoo removal procedures. I've read about them and they do them in the UK, but not very often here in the U.S. unless it's part of another procedure. Maybe a mommy makeover is in my future and they can use some of my excess skin from weight loss to surgically trade out my ugly half tattoos with fresh skin. Who knows what's in store in the medical community 5 or 10 years down the road. But for now, I'm choosing to accept the tattoos for what they are, just like I'm choosing to accept myself for who I am right now in this moment. A work in progress.
I don't have a close up of what the tattoos looked like pre-laser, but you can see in this one how dark they were. And then some graphic posts of the day of laser treatment are also below and I'll share one when they're healed up in about six weeks for a full progress view.
What have I learned throughout this 2.5 year process?
1. Sometimes you have to embrace being a quitter. I've never been happier or more healthy than I am now as an alcohol quitter!
2. Sometimes you have to know when to stick it out and see things through to the end, if for no other reason than to challenge yourself and complete it.
3. Since giving up alcohol, I am less of a jump in head first and then quit two minutes later kind of girl. I am learning that I have limits and that's ok.
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