Shrinking Circles

 I celebrated my 44th birthday a few days ago. I remember being really torn up about turning 30, and also having a hard time accepting 40. But now, I am so grateful to be in my mid-forties. I've truly found my rhythm in the past couple of years, and I am now present in my own life, as well as the lives of my kids and my husband and the few people in my shrinking circle. That makes me a little sad to type, but then I remember that the friends and family in my small circle are there because they want to be, and because we both put in an effort to keep them there. And then I am okay with it. Sure, I miss some of the people who used to be daily fixtures in my life. The friends I had in those turbulent years between my divorce from my first husband and my marriage to my forever husband (he's stuck with me, it was written into our vows in very fine print). Even when he drives me crazy, and his tone isn't what I want it to be with me or my kids, I see his heart, and I see him and I love and accept him for who he is at every stage of our marriage (although the really old stage scares me, I hope I have dementia at that point and think I'm Gwen Stefani or Drew Barrymore so I don't remember any of the sad pieces of growing older). But that doesn't mean the holes left behind by dear friends don't hurt sometimes. For some reason, this 44th birthday brought up some of those holes, and I want to acknowledge the impact they had on me and how I miss the friendship we had, even if I now accept we can't have it anymore. 

K&J, I know I did things that were hurtful to you. I know my drinking almost ruined pieces of your wedding day, and I know that my need for attention and affection when we were close was not easy on anyone involved. I accept that my recollection of events that involved the three of us and someone else that you both care a lot about has been hurtful to all three of you. I am sorry for that pain, and I do genuinely miss the good times we shared. I think our friendship, and the four of us spending time together (as toxic as it may have been at times), it all was intended for that time of my life, and I needed to walk through that to get to where I am today. But I am 100% sorry for the way that my journey may have impacted you personally, or someone that you love. I hope you can also look back at our time together and still smile when you think of me, even if those memories are more faded than the hurtful ones. I will always have such a special place in my heart for you both, you meant the world to me in a really difficult time of my life. 

H, I know we have had our ups and downs over the past 20-ish years. You will always mean so much to me, even if our paths are no longer intended to be intertwined. You were someone that I went to with hurts and struggles before I would go to my husband, and that was unfair to you, to me, and to him. I am so sorry if my anxiety and my spirals damaged you in any way (and I'm sure they did). You were exactly the friend I needed at certain points in my life, and also someone that I was unhealthily codependent on when I should have been working through things in my own marriage instead of avoiding the pain of that, and the trauma of my first marriage bleeding into my second. I will always love you, and be cheering you on, even if that's from a distance. I hope and pray that you are well, and more than anything, that you have found happiness within yourself. I know we both struggled to find that on our own, and leaned on one another too much to fill those voids at times. I will hold a special place in my heart, in my memories, and in my soul for you, always. I think we are soul-tied in a lot of ways, and that is something I will always protect regardless of what our friendship looks like in this present moment. 

N, you were exactly the friend I needed exactly when I needed you. Always ready to bring the fun, never wanting to get too deep, until suddenly you experienced the greatest loss of your life while I was trying to embrace the greatest love story of mine. We clashed, we collided, we had fun and we could tear shit up like nobody else. You allowed me to find that crazy, unbridled, unapologetic teenager that I never really got to be since I was married by 19 and trying to be a perfect wife, a perfect daughter, a perfect friend and everything in between. You embraced the crazy in me, and I loved you for that. Although our paths no longer cross, I often think of you with fond memories and a true desire for you to be happy and fulfilled in this lifetime. Being able to stand up at your mom's funeral and speak on your behalf, to share with others how much you are capable of love and devotion, that will forever be one of my cherished memories. Experiencing New York with you, a place I always wanted to be and where you wanted to honor your sweet mama, was one of the most special times in our friendship, and I thank you for always being generous and supportive, even if I wasn't making the best choices. 

And this last one, this one is a little trickier (you will know exactly who you are, and many others will too, but for the sake of privacy, I'll leave out your name). The more I reflect on our friendship, the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the more I see how you always showed up for me, and I tended to fall apart at the worst times - like your wedding day. One of my biggest regrets in this life is not standing by your side on the day you married your forever love. I think some part of me was grieving the loss of what you were to me, because you were EVERYTHING to me. And yes, I was dealing with things as a mom to a baby that had some serious health concerns at that time. But that's no excuse. I could have showed up differently, and I let other things get in the way of me doing that, even though you deserved the world that day and every day I've known you. Through the tumultuous days and nights of our escapades when I suddenly became a single mom of twins at the ripe age of 25, you were my ride or die. I know we will forever be linked, and I want to thank you for showing up for me in every season, in every way. When I look back and consider all the pieces of our 30+ years of friendship, I know at one point that you were someone I would have died for, and that's not always the most healthy of relationships. I think in some ways, I was more deeply in love with you as a person than I was with my first husband. I saw you in ways that made me want to be more like you, and also want to be around you. I don't think it was necessarily a romantic "in love" but I do know that for several years, you were the one adult who mattered to me the most in the whole world. And I am so regretful that I was not there for you on that one day that meant the most to you. I am thankful that we are still friends, but I acknowledge my part in the ways that friendship has changed. And I'm grateful that no matter what has happened between us as adults, you have always shown up for our monster twins. They love you more than you know, and for that, I will always absolutely adore you. 

In revisiting some of my thoughts around these lost or changed friendships, I recognize the importance of my circle. It indeed looks very different than it did 20 years ago, but that's okay. My circle today is strong, even if small. My husband and my two adult kids are my closest friends. My parents and my siblings and my nieces are some of the most important people in my life. I have a network of colleagues, friends from different stages of my life, and people I've met through being a parent in our community that mean a lot to me, even if we don't see or talk to each other often. And I'm okay with being who I am, right now, in this stage of life. I actually like myself a whole lot better than I liked that crazy drunk girl in her late 20s. I respect myself more, I value myself more, and I am grateful for those of you who have been a part of my journey, even if it hasn't always been the easiest road.