Missed Opportunities

I can be impulsive. I can be reactive. I can be scared to move forward and make big changes. I am prone to thinking about how a change in my life will affect my kids, most of all. 

I regret not moving forward with the teaching credential. I was scared last fall, and unsure of my next steps. Instead of chasing a dream, and jumping out on a limb, I froze. I stopped myself from moving forward. Now, months later, I'm seeing things in my current job that remind me of why I did not want to keep working in this field. I see missed opportunities to make a change in my life that would impact my mental health, my relationship with my kids, my relationship with my husband, and my sense of self-worth. 

I feel as though I am always reaching for the next thing, but then when it gets close enough to my grasp, I give up. I'm afraid to make that big leap. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of not being perfect, or making a mistake and everyone seeing me fall. 

I don't want to live my life looking back at missed opportunities to make things better. To do better. To make a difference.

I've recently stopped my volunteering with Safe Families and El Roi Foster Ministries. I felt called to pursue becoming a CASA. I think my pull towards that is to have an impact on a child's life in a way that doesn't impact my family by bringing a child into our home and disrupting everyone else's lives. The more I think about becoming a CASA, the more I think I should have pursued the teaching credential so I could make an impact daily with kids that came through my classroom. 

Turning 40 has been a bitch. I feel like I've missed so many chances to be something more, to claim victory over decades-long battles and depression and self-doubt. 

Now that I'm recognizing and realizing this, what's next? Do I start over again? Do I just "stick it out" for 25 more years? 

Have you ever felt like you just missed the biggest opportunity to change your life, and you're frozen out of fear? What did you do? Did you settle or did you chase that dream, and prioritize your own happiness over others that you love?