Scars Remind Us That the Past is Real

"I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

And my scars remind me that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel..."

When I was younger, being an empath wasn't a thing. People were emotional or they weren't, and that was that. Now, being an empath is something that a lot of people identify with, and the more I learn about myself, the more I am convinced that I am an empath. The lyrics from Scars by Papa Roach above have resonated with me since the song came out in 2004. My weakness can be that I care too much about things and people and situations, so then I get too deep in trying to fix it and end up causing more damage. That has happened to me in friendships over the years, and I have to catch myself these days from trying to fix everything for my kids (especially my teenagers) because I'm not doing them any favors by always being on cleanup crew. They need to learn how to fix things, and even more importantly, how to sit in the ugly and not fixable for a minute because that's a critical life skill and a crucial part of growing up. 

There are so many song lyrics that tell a story about scars, a reminder of the past, pain, heartbreak. From "Scars to your Beautiful" by Alessia Cara to "Swing Life Away" by Rise Against to "Scars in Heaven" by Casting Crowns, these songs resonate with people because it hits a place inside that we've often tried to hide, or never spoken about to other people. Some of us haven't even acknowledged the pain and the scars to ourselves. 

Scars have been a part of my journey. I covered a scar from self-harm when my ex-husband and I first broke up right after high school for a month or so with a tattoo and a song lyric from Swing Life Away. 

In March of 2023, I went through a really tough time personally. I was struggling with big changes at my job, I was struggling with making the decision to get bariatric surgery, and I was struggling with my mental health and not being on the right dose of medication for depression and anxiety. I had a really tough few weeks where I was crying constantly, and unable to control my emotions. And one of those bad days resulted in scars on my thigh that have made me very self-conscious since. So for my birthday this year, I decided I was going to turn the scars into something beautiful. I wanted it to match the existing owl tattoo, so I settled on a dreamcatcher design, and found a local artist to make it her own. I am so happy with how it came out, and even more at peace with not seeing the constant reminder of my pain earlier this year etched on my skin. Something ugly and painful has turned into something beautiful. 

A lot of people ask me why I have certain tattoos, what their meanings are, and if I regret any of them. I don't regret any of them, except for the giant roses on my chest (which I'm slowly in the process of getting lasered). The only reason I regret those is because they are huge and hard to cover on work Zoom calls when I want to conceal them for my own self-confidence. Every other piece of artwork on my body I can trace back to a certain time in my life, whether or not the tattoo design itself has meaning behind it, the moment in time that I got that tattoo meant something to my journey. And that's what I tell people. My tattoos are a collage of moments in time in my life, and they matter to me because it's all part of my story. 

I'm grateful to live in a time when I am able to use art to tell my story on my own body. I'm grateful for a time when tattoo artists don't make self-harm a shameful thing. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's part of my story all the same. Each time I stumble and fall back into these old habits, I hope and pray that I don't have a repeat of it in the future, but you never know. All you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and move forward. And that's exactly what this dreamcatcher means to me. Holding onto dreams, chasing the ones that I choose, and appreciating all of the moments that got me here. 

"I think scars are like battle wounds - beautiful, in a way. They show what you've been through and how strong you are for coming out of it."