Thank You for Loving Me Through the Brokenness

 I'm not a sappy love person, so this post might come as a bit of a shock to my regular readers. As those of you who know me know, I am not overly affectionate in public or super expressive of my feelings when it comes to romantic relationships. With my kids or nieces and nephews, I'm obnoxiously affectionate and say I love you a million times a day. I guess romantic love has always been something that could hurt me too deeply, so I kept it closer to the vest. 

I thought I found my forever love when I was 16, but I was wrong. I didn't actually meet my forever love until I was 27 years old. He was everything I knew I needed, even if I wasn't emotionally ready for the kind of relationship that he could give to me, because I was broken from relationships in the past. I'm the one who had been married before and should have been ready for the kind of forever love that he showed to me, but I was too broken at the time to really appreciate it (or him). But, something deep inside knew that I needed it and him, even if I couldn't fully accept or embrace it like I should have back then. 

September 2009

Nick, you have always been my rock. You've been the calm in the often stormy, chaotic, emotional roller coaster that I've brought you on over the last 14 years. I know I have not treated you like I should for the last (almost) 13 years we've been married, and I want you to know (and everyone else who reads my blog...all 5 of you kind souls out there) that I am so sorry for that. I have made mistakes and treated you unkindly, and not shown you the type of forever love that you've shown me and that you always deserved from me. Yet, I'm beyond grateful that I knew somewhere in the pit of my soul that I needed you. Everything about you was and is the perfect balance to me. You're the calm, I'm the storm. You're the rock-solid foundation to hold things up when my crazy ass gets emotional and impulsive and wants to save the world or shake things up or whatever torrent of emotion and passion is coursing through me at the time. You are the rational and pragmatic to my emotional and passionate decision-making. But you are also sarcastic and funny (sometimes, but I'm funnier, don't forget that) and loving in your own way. You have shown me in so many ways over the past 14 years that you said "I do" and "forever" and meant every word. There was never another option for you. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like there was another door for me to go through, another option other than this forever with you. 

Thank you for loving me through my brokenness over the years. Thank you for supporting me even when supporting me meant saying things I thought were "mean" or "harsh". I know with every fiber of my being that you are not a mean-spirited person, and anything you've said to me about my choices along the way were meant with good intentions and true concern for my well-being, whether that was physical, mental, or emotional. You've seen the weight of other people's stuff that I carry, and you've asked to help lighten the load. Whether or not I let you was my fault, I should have trusted that anything I gave to you to help me would be cared for with the same concern and thought that you put into any decision you make, as painstakingly drawn out as I feel your process can be at times. You slow me down. You calm me. As we go through this lovely process of home renovations, I've told you that sleeping next to you makes me breathe easier. My anxiety slows down, my heart is happy, and I feel safe. That's what you've always been to me, and more. You make me laugh, you make my heart race (in a good way), and you hold me like you don't want to let go. Even when I have pushed you away or not prioritized you like I should have, you have always been there ready to accept me back with open arms. 

Your support of my sobriety, my pursuit of other career goals and ambitions, and my journey to get healthy and recover from my RNY surgery this year have been so reassuring and steady. You make me a better person just by accepting me for all of my flaws and brokenness and cheering me on when I work to put back the pieces and do better. 

I am grateful for this forever love. It may sometimes look boring and passive and quiet from the outside, but from my perspective, it's exactly what I need and have always wanted, even if I didn't know it in 2009. I knew there was something about you and our love that needed to be in my life, and I'm so glad that we are where we are today. You are my favorite person. 

October 2023

In the iconic words of Edward Cullen, which I know you'll enjoy more than anything else in this post, "No measure of time with you will be long enough. But let's start with forever."