Experiencing Life without the Haze

 Over the past 118 days, I've seen life through a different lens. A clearer picture, less hazy from hangovers or guilt after drinking and not showing up and being present for my people. Last night, I experienced another first in this sobriety journey, and actually a first of my lifetime too - a live NBA game. My middle son, Micah, turned 10 on Friday. He asked if we could go to an NBA game for his birthday. Micah is the type of kid who would rather have an experience (Great Wolf Lodge, Big Bear weekends, and WWE events have been on his previous birthday wish lists) instead of a big gift. Now, of course, he also wanted these fancy basketball shoes this year, but he was turning 10, and double digits is a big birthday, so he got the shoes and the game. Because his birthday also falls during the kids' extended winter break (yes, they are out for over three weeks every year in our district at this time of the year), it becomes a mini family vacation or a family event in addition to celebrating his birthday. 

Experiencing life without the haze has been one of my favorite things about the last (almost) 17 weeks in sobriety. Showing up to these big (and little) events, whether it's an NBA game with my boys or a basketball game that my 8 and 10 year old are playing. I get to show up with a clear head and feeling good, instead of trying to take deep breaths and ignore the nausea or the headache because I drank too much the night before due to the anxiety of the event or the weekend or just life in general. It's like experiencing life in a fresh way, instead of walking around with this fog constantly hanging over me. Everything is brighter in a good way (not the headache-inducing way of my drinking days), and everyone is less annoying than they were when I was hungover and cranky. Life is truly beautiful again. And I get to experience it 100% with my kids, my husband, my family. I honestly don't have a lot of friends these days, so I can't include friends in that list. The friends I do have are from my online sober communities, or lifelong friends that I see a few times a year and text with a little more often that that. Life gets in the way of our friendships sometimes, and I've chosen to prioritize showing up for my kids' activities and being there for them instead of wholeheartedly pursuing friendships. Sometimes I think that is a mistake, and other times, like last night watching Micah live his very best life at the Clippers game, I know without a doubt that I'm choosing right. 

I've been struggling with the changes that come with starting a new job and juggling kids at home over Christmas break and knowing that some of my favorite people on earth are not in the same health that they were five or even two years ago. I struggle with change and especially with not being able to control the things around me - my calendar is at the mercy of the people training me in my new job, and the orthodontist and chiropractor and medical appointments that I'm juggling for various family members. Not being in control has previously been a huge trigger for me, and I would automatically want to numb out and drink in order to not feel the uncomfortable feelings of not being in control. Being a reformed perfectionist and people pleaser, I'm trying to breathe through the discomfort, and look ahead to what things will look like in 2, 3 or 6 months. What things would I have missed out on if I was still drinking? What things do I get to do now that I'm sober and clear-headed, and willing to view things from a positive point of view, even if that's a little uncomfortable right now? 

Experiencing life without the haze of drinking and hangovers and continuous guilt about those choices has definitely taught me that there's no going back. Educating myself about what alcohol does to our bodies and our minds has ingrained in me a desire to stay alcohol-free for the rest of my life. That doesn't mean it isn't hard sometimes. Because I still do get caught up in the thought cycle of "why can't I just have one or two drinks like "normal" people?". But you know what? When I really stop and think about it and don't react on impulse or let my emotions completely take over once that thought plants itself in my brain, I know that I really don't want to have one or two drinks. I like me way better alcohol-free. I like my way of reacting to things, I like that I control my emotions better, and I like that people who are important to me have noticed those changes and appreciate them. I like experiencing life without the haze, and I am grateful that my husband provides for our family in a way that allows us to have those experiences. It's incredible how the things that used to annoy me before I was alcohol-free are now some of the things about people that I love the most. And instead of dreading experiences because of how I feel after a night of drinking to cover up anxiety or other painful emotions, I look forward to these experiences with my little corner of the world, and I'm grateful. 

Micah watching the Clippers beat the Suns

1st NBA game for Micah & Jaxon, 2nd for Lucas

Me and Micah at the Clippers game (we got there early to get the hat giveaway!)

Nick, Jaxon & I at the Clippers game

My birthday message to Micah:

You were wise beyond your years from the moment I locked eyes with my baby Micah 10 years ago. Your smile makes me smile, and your wit and intelligence are unmatched by most adults, let alone your peers. You’ve always done things your own way and kept your circle of people small. I admire that about you, Micah Daniel. You carry your late uncle’s name as your middle name, and from what I know of him, Danny would have adored you and you do his name proud. ❤️ My favorite things about you are your sweetness and thoughtfulness when most people would just keep going about their day, you notice other people’s feelings and you always ask me for a hug when you’re needing a little reassurance that everything is ok. I love your dry sense of humor, your commitment to new challenges whether it’s a new sport, a Spartan run, or the school spelling bee. You put 100% into the things and people you love, and you’re keenly aware of your surroundings and people’s emotions. Shortly after you were born, I started calling you my anchor baby and you still are the most powerful grounding force in my life. You weren’t an anchor in the traditional sense of tethering me to your dad (although that’s definitely been true as you are the first common thread of shared DNA between us) but in tethering me to reality, to love, to being in the moment. I love you, sweet Micah. No one else will ever know the depths of that love, because you are one of only four humans who have felt and heard my heartbeat from inside. To my horror-movie loving, basketball obsessed little man, happy double digits birthday, my feisty little Capricorn! I adore you!