Outgrowing Your Past

I have shared before about my past and the twins' family on their biological dad's side. It's always been a tricky situation for me to manage those relationships, because I was a kid myself when I met my ex-husband's parents and extended family. Creating healthy boundaries has been difficult, and I think there are some relationships that I have been unsuccessful in creating or maintaining those boundaries, and others that are filled with mistrust due to lack of honest communication between me and those people over the years. 

Over the weekend, I had a long conversation with my ex-mother-in-law. Our relationship has always been somewhat challenging, because at the end of the day, I will put my kids first and she will put her son first. This distinction in our priorities has created conflicting views of what the right choice is because her son is the one that I have often had to protect my kids from in one way or another. The twins' biological dad is not an evil person, but he has proven himself time and time again to be incapable of (1) taking care of himself and therefore being a good role model to Lucas and Rylee, and (2) prioritizing the twins' well-being (mostly emotional since he hasn't had a physical father-like relationship with them in many, many years) over his own desires and wants. He is not a father to them in the most simple ways; he doesn't wish them happy birthday or Merry Christmas, he doesn't ask how their sports or school or day-to-day life is going, and he doesn't show up for them financially (although his mom has always been very generous financially with the twins and with me over the years, it's never come from the person it should have), or physically or mentally or emotionally. He's just incapable of doing that, and at this point, I don't have faith or hope that he ever will be a positive father figure to them. Maybe one day he can be their friend, but that seems pretty far off at this point too, and as long as I am their primary caretaker, I'll continue to protect them even if that means not allowing an unhealthy relationship with their biological father to take place. 

Lucas, me & Rylee - October 2007

Back to my own boundaries in this situation...I do believe that the twins and I can have healthy relationships with many of the people in their biological dad's (Corey) family. His half-brother (the twins' uncle) and their biological dad's stepmom are able to separate what is good and healthy for the twins and what is good for their biological dad. The twins' uncle (their biological dad's half-brother on his dad's side, Zach) has been a good role model for the twins because he works hard and prioritizes his family and friends, and is someone that I hope they can continue to have a good relationship with. The twins' paternal grandfather still has some loyalty and connection to their biological dad that sometimes makes me distrustful of him, but then I have to think about the fact that he is Corey's dad and of course he wants some type of relationship with his son. Just like Lucas has expressed to me throughout the years that he wants a relationship with his biological father, I can't discount that Corey's dad wants a relationship with Corey, but I can maintain my boundaries and choose how much I trust those people that want to keep their relationship with Corey open. 

And then there's Corey's mom. She is a generous woman who has (mostly) treated me with kindness and love, except when we were going through the custody and divorce and I was protective of the twins and wanted to make sure they were only around Corey if it was safe for them to be there. She and I have developed a relationship built on our mutual love of the twins, but I do still have to be cautious to not let her disrespect (unintentionally, I believe) my role as their mom, and the fact that Corey has not been a real parent to them for many, many years. I think she still wants to view Corey through rose-colored glasses and see the good in him, even when the good is not something I've seen in him for many years. He has two other children that he doesn't have custody and/or a parental relationship with, and I don't see either of those situations changing anytime soon either. It sometimes makes me sad that the twins do not have a relationship with their half-sisters from their biological dad, but at the end of the day, Corey is the one who has to own that. Not me. 

My biggest concerns with continuing relationships that create emotional distress in me is that it negatively affects the rest of my family, the ones who have shown up for me and the twins since the day they walked into our lives. My frustrations with Corey remain the same as they were 15 years ago...He doesn't have a job (that I know of), he doesn't pay any of his own bills, and has ongoing medical issues as a result of his addiction and a motorcycle accident from a few years ago. I don't know if he's still on addiction maintenance medication, and I don't trust that he would make the right decisions when it came to the twins' well-being. None of that has changed. 

So here I am, a 41-year-old woman (funny side note, I just realized I've been telling people that I'm 42 for the last six months...whoops), still trying to manage my relationship with people I've known since I was 16, and still trying to decide what those boundaries should look like. Should I back away and let the twins manage their own relationships with that side of the family? Is that what is best for me and my mental health and wellness as I start this year with nothing but good intentions for my authentic way of living life moving forward? 

I'm not sure. I do know that many of us outgrow relationships and friendships. Have I outgrown my past entirely? And if so, what does that look like for these relationships? I've been grappling with this for months (if not years) and I feel like the decision is becoming more clear as time passes. At least for me. 

During my phone call this weekend with my ex-mother-in-law, she was poking for information about other people I still talk to that are related to my ex-husband. To be honest, I don't want to know if other family members are reaching out to Corey or having a relationship with him. That doesn't change what I want for the twins, and that's a relationship with their biological dad only if they want one, and if it's a positive influence on them. 

The people I allow to peek through the social media windows of my little corner of the world are ones that I want to continue to have a positive relationship with. The ones that I am more cautious about letting in are the ones that don't share my same values or priorities, and that's ok. In outgrowing my past, and looking ahead to the future, I want to continue to choose the things and people that matter to me. I'm grateful for the ones that have been a part of my journey, but I'm also accepting the fact that some relationships will fall to the wayside because our priorities are not in alignment. Outgrowing your past doesn't mean the past doesn't matter, because it does. But it doesn't have to shape our future.