Thanks for the Memories

 I don't use Facebook anymore, but when I did, I always appreciated the "memory" photos that would pop up, reminding you of something that you did the year or two before. It got me thinking about the memories that we all hold onto, whether it's the good, the sad, the ugly or a mix of everything in between. A few things have happened this week that made me want to write about memories. First, it's been one year today since my husband lost his dad. Although we didn't see or talk to Julio everyday, the fact that he's gone has definitely been felt in many moments over the past year. When Nick loudly clears his throat, I immediately think of Julio. It's something endearing about him that I will always think of fondly. When Micah puts his feet in the ground about something and shows his stubborn side, I'll remember how Julio would do small things towards the end of his life to exert his own independence or show his stubborn streak too. I think Micah (and Nick) get so many qualities from Julio, from a mischievous twinkle in their eye when they're being sarcastic or funny, to the quiet stubborn streak that Julio carried and I see in Nick when he's made up his mind about something (Micah too). I remember times when Julio would be frustrated because he was trying to explain something to Nick, but being father and son, they both had less patience than I do for trying to listen and figure things out. I remember Julio looking to me for assistance in those moments. I remember at Jaxon's 1st birthday that Julio was one of the only people Jaxon would go to without fussing and wanting me to hold him instead. I remember how warmly Julio embraced me as part of the family, and the same for Lucas and Rylee. He was a good man. 

Another less heartwarming memory that struck me this week was how much I would prioritize my friendships when the twins were little and Nick and I were first married. I would prioritize some of those friendships over things that should have come first; my marriage, namely. I wanted so badly to be loved and accepted by certain friends, that I would drop everything to hang out with them and do whatever they wanted to do. I am grateful for a lot of the friendships that took me through my 20s, and I'm especially thankful for the memories of those friendships, and all of the crazy things we did - sleeping on the street in Los Angeles for the New Moon premiere (of the Twilight Saga). Trips to LA we coined "triple trouble" adventures, and day drinking and face piercing and skydiving. Those friendships were important to me during that time of my life, but I think I missed the opportunity to be a good wife for the first couple years of my marriage because I was so concerned with my friendships above all else. A few of those friendship from that time are still intact. Different, sure, because life evolves and people change and seasons of life and priorities shift. Some of those friendships no longer exist as anything but memories, and that's ok too. I'm grateful for those anyway. 

Still another memory that has taken up space in my mind this week is the memories of my babies being little. Nick, Jaxon, and I took a little road trip yesterday to pick up a couple pieces of furniture. Jaxon was so happy to sit in the middle in the front of the truck that we rented. He put his little hand on my leg as we were driving, and it instantly brought me back to memories of when he was a baby and a toddler, and whenever he needed reassurance, he would grab my chest or my hand or whatever he could get a hold of. I was his security, and as he gets older, I'll be less and less of that, but my memories of a time when I was his go-to person will always stay fresh in my mind. 

Road trip

Knott's Adventures - core memories created! 

In 2024, I'm committed to being my most authentic self. I have some challenging things coming up this week that will put that iron in the fire. I'm ready for it, but also anxious about it. I want to be authentic to my story, to my journey, to my truth. I plan to do just that. I also plan to continue to make core memories with my kids and my husband. To spend time with the people that I want to prioritize this year. So to those people that are no longer with us, or to those that are no longer a part of my life, I want to sincerely thank you all for the memories. They build up, and create reminders of what remains to be important in my life, and what I'm grateful has gone to the wayside. I'm so thankful that drinking and hangovers and overeating and bingeing all the bad stuff is gone. I'm 90+ pounds lighter than I was a little over 9 months ago. I'm happier, I'm healthier, I'm more grateful for the little things like day trips to pick up furniture or a few hours spent at Knott's Berry Farm with my kids and husband. Although the last year hasn't been an easy, it's all been so worth it. When I look at this side-by-side, on the left side, I see a face swollen from alcohol and unhealthy foods. On the right, I see a happier, healthier me with more brightness in my cheeks and a bigger smile on a thinner face. I'm grateful for the memories of the darker times that brought me here, but I'm so thankful that I'm where I am now in a million different ways.