Prioritizing Peace & Purpose in Every Season

 In a little less than a month, I'll be celebrating three years of sobriety. To be honest, being sober isn't something I actively think about now. It's part of my norm, and I don't listen to sobriety podcasts and read books about sobriety nearly as often as I did in my first year of sobriety. Just like anything, it becomes part of the routine the more you integrate it into your daily life. The woman I am today is so much stronger and capable of setting boundaries, prioritizing my peace and showing up authentically and with purpose - whether that's in a quarterly business review meeting for my 9-5 job in HR, or teaching classrooms full of college students about women's roles in colonial America or talking to my middle schoolers about making good choices. 

That's the plus side of being 44 and caring less about what other people think, and focusing my energy on showing up for myself and the people I love. 

The down side? Perimenopause. My body reminding me I'm 44 not 24 or even 30. Hormonal changes. Iron deficiency due to hormonal changes. Getting iron infusions once a week. Gynecologist visits. Urgent care visits. It's all happening. 

I've listened to podcasts, read a few books, and here's my take - perimenopause has always been a thing, but it wasn't something women were comfortable talking about. In my American Studies 201 class, I talk about "the problem that has no name" which was coined by Betty Friedan in response to the epidemic in the 1950s where American women felt like they were falling apart at the seams. Today, I would suggest that perimenopause is the "problem that has no name" of the 2020s. We can all attest that it exists, but it's difficult to pinpoint because symptoms and experiences look different for each woman.

My experience thus far with perimenopause has been less than enjoyable. But I can tell you that I'm in a much better mental space to handle it today than I was 3 years ago, that's for damn sure. And I'm grateful for that truth. I'm grateful for my dreams coming to life in the past couple of years. I'm grateful for the friendships and relationships I have with the people closest to me. I'm even grateful to see relationships that were never all that positive fall to the wayside, because it allows me to focus on the people and things that truly matter, and that have been there for me through the darkest times. 

If you are struggling with perimenopause or any other physical or mental or emotional struggle, I encourage you to take a minute to breathe and ask yourself if you are showing up authentically for yourself. Are you prioritizing your peace? Are you protecting your time and giving yourself space to grow? If not, there's no time like the present, and I guarantee there will never be an "ideal" time to figure it out; you have to carve out that time and MAKE it happen. 

And I promise you won't regret it. 

Taking these moments stuck to an IV for an iron infusion to breathe and be grateful has been a reminder I need as I step into another busy season of life. The semester starts in one week, and I'm getting this body physically ready to live out my dreams. 

Summertime Lessons

 Summer is wrapping up early next week, and soon we will all be back in the "normal" routine of life. I am looking forward to being back on campus teaching two days a week, and also having my boys in school and doing the things middle schoolers should be doing - socializing, learning, and complaining about how boring or annoying school is. It's part of growing up, right? 

One thing we started a few years back is a "Summer Bucket List". Micah, as with most traditions we've developed over the years, is steering the ship on that, and Jaxon chimes in with a few additions here and there. I know Lucas and Rylee look at these new traditions and are probably wondering why we didn't do some of that when they were little, and my only comeback is that I am more tired now and let Micah steer the ship on a lot more than I ever let Lucas and Rylee do. The twins were also much more social within our neighborhood, so they were busy more often and not as interested in doing things with our whole family. It's just a different time and different kids, and an older mom all combined into the reality of now. Our summer bucket list has all been checked off, and I'm grateful for a few of the things that I participated in - a beach day in San Diego, the dog beach with Gunner, road trip to St. George & Vegas, escape rooms with three of my four, and axe throwing. I'm also incredibly grateful that I have a husband who enjoys checking things off this list without my involvement, and I no longer feel guilty (or as much guilt) as I used to if I opted to sit things out. Sometimes, a quiet afternoon watching back-to-back episodes of Dateline or bad reality TV is just what I need to reset. 

This afternoon, Nick, the boys and I are going to volunteer for Feeding America in San Diego. I think it's important for our kids to appreciate the things we have and are able to do, and recognize that not everyone is in that same position. Our involvement with Safe Families has come to an end (or at least, an end for now) because of a variety of reasons. But this is one way we can still show up for our community and teach our kids about the importance of giving back when you are in a position to do so. 

Another summertime lesson I've learned and tried to incorporate into my day-to-day is perfectly captured in this gift from a dear friend - the "Circle of Control." 

Looking at all of these lessons, I can once again wrap it up in a nice bow when I think about how to prioritize my peace, how to show up for my people, and learning what matters and what doesn't. Summertime used to consist of many mental breakdowns, because I wanted everyone and everything to be perfect and happy. I've learned to let go of that need to control everything, and focus on what I can control in an effort to protect my peace and search for serenity in the everyday. 

Reconciliation & Authenticity

Several months ago, I wrote about a friendship that I had to let go of in order to move forward in my own healing process. I was in a really dark place, and the friendship was becoming more hurtful than helpful, and that goes both ways. Recently, I felt a push to reach out to this friend, and am so glad that I did! When true healing and reconciliation and forgiveness are possible, it takes both parties to own their role in what fell apart, and a commitment to move forward with authenticity and accountability. I'm so grateful for that friendship, because we can jump back in exactly where we left off, and it's like no time has passed at all. 

Unfortunately, not every relationship is built that same way. 

I have known this for some time, but was reminded of it again this weekend. No matter how many times you've learned that lesson, it always cuts a little deep (at least for me) because people that we once loved and trusted will always have a special place in our hearts, no matter how many times they have hurt us or shown us their true colors. 

I have done a lot of work on myself over the past few years to get to the life I am currently living. A career path that I really love, four kids I am extremely proud of, a marriage that I am grateful for everyday, and two published books - one telling my story to get out from under the fog of living for other people and another bringing together a passion project of research that sat dormant for 20 years. 

Choosing peace and authenticity in this fourth decade of life has been the best thing I've ever done for myself. Sure, when someone hurts me, I still cry. I have to process those emotions and get to the other side, but the beautiful thing about that process now is that I know I will not hurt anyone (including myself) in that process. I will get to the other side. 

Reconciliation and authenticity in my relationships today are two things I'm incredibly grateful for. But not every situation, not every person, not every relationship is worthy of those things. 

When they show you who they are, believe them. 

Accept it for what it is, and move on. Don't let them steal your joy or your peace. You've worked too hard to get here.