When Your Best Isn't Good Enough

 It's been a tough couple of days, for a number of reasons, all of which take me back to a time when I had zero self-esteem and was doing my best to just keep my head above water. I can't remember the last time I cried before this weekend, and that's a good thing (and kind of rare for me the past several years because my day-to-day was so heavily driven by my emotions). There have been a lot of challenges for me personally, and I am trying to navigate those without having my kids see the hurt that is bubbling up under the surface. 

My husband and I view a couple of things very differently. He is a logical, pragmatic, black-and-white type of person when it comes to a lot of things. I am an emotional, caretaker, lots of gray exists in the world type of person. As you can imagine, those stark differences can create some friction now and then. 

I feel like a lot of things I have changed about myself in the last six months to a year are positive. But sometimes I still feel like my best isn't good enough for some people, and that leaves me in this place of feeling like a failure and like no matter what I do, the outcome will remain the same. 

I have many, many flaws. I probably spend too much money on my kids and I don't say no as often as I should when they ask for something. I carry the weight of five people's emotions on a daily basis. Sure, there are things I could do better, and things I want to work on. But at the end of the day, I am doing my best. But maybe that just still isn't good enough. 

I look at this picture and I wonder when we lose the ability to just dance and laugh and smile. When does the innocence of childhood and having no worries about finances or planning for the future or carrying the weight of the world stop? Is it something that ever really exists for all of us? Or are some of us just born carrying the weight of meeting other people's expectations from a very early age? 

Sometimes I feel like I've taken 100 steps forward with my health and my sobriety, but for what? It hasn't changed some of the core issues that bring me sadness. So what is it all for? Why even bother? 

I hate crying, but I have been doing a lot of it the past few days. Stress from work, stress from marriage, stress from parenting. It all just feels too heavy sometimes. Feeling crushed by the weight of other people's expectations, not feeling like the people you care about more than anything can give you the same grace that you've shown them, and just feeling like your best isn't good enough is a super shitty feeling. 

I'm sure this too will pass, but while I'm in it, I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel or the rainbow at the end of the storm. I wish I could turn my feelings off sometimes, but no matter how hard I try, they always bubble up under the surface at the most inconvenient times. I will spend today trying to  show myself the grace that I haven't gotten from other people, and reminding myself that my best is good enough for me, and that's what should matter the most, even when it doesn't feel like it.