An Unperfect Blend

 When I found myself divorced and a single mom to twin toddlers at the ripe old age of 25, I was very unsure of what the future looked like for me and the twins. I was unconvinced that I would find a man mature enough to be a good father figure to the twins who didn't have kids or a divorce or two of his own under his belt. I was equally as unconvinced that I'd find a man my age who was mature enough to be a father figure at all. In my defense, the twins' biological dad was 26 and decided this was all too much responsibility for him, so my fears were valid (at least in my head). 

I knew that no matter what the circumstances were, the man I invited into our lives would have to be solid, dependable, and would have to treat my kids like they were his own. I had huge reservations about dating anyone who had kids of his own, as double-standard as that may sound, I knew that I could not be a good stepmom, because of my own experience with coparenting with my ex-husband. I knew it would be too much emotionally for me to balance it all. 

I will forever be grateful that Nick was willing to walk into a situation with twins who were almost 3 years old when we met, and that he never batted an eye to the fact that I was still close to the twins' paternal grandparents. He accepted our situation for what it was and although blended families are tricky, I've never once doubted his intention to be a positive father figure to the twins, and I will never NOT appreciate how he has showed up for them. 

That being said, blended families are hard. The definition of blend is to "mix (a substance) with another substance so that they combine together." 

That combining is tough. We all bring in our own feelings to a blended family situation. Some of my feelings probably inhibited Nick from taking on a true father role in the twins' lives from the very beginning, because I always kept boundaries up. I kept their financial responsibilities firmly in my own bank account, and Nick and I had separate bank accounts for the first several years of our marriage. I also asked Nick not to take on a disciplinarian role with the twins for the first few years at least. He was always very cautious about not taking their biological dad's place in any way, but as their biological dad became less involved, and Nick was always there, he gradually just moved from Nick to Daddy Nick to Dad. He's been gracious with me and the twins from the get-go. 

Yet, there's still situations that pop up as a blended family where I feel like I am carrying the weight of everyone's emotions on my shoulders, and trying to blend this family seamlessly. The thing is, that I'm slowly learning to accept, there's nothing seamless about people and emotions. There's no perfect way for a blended family to look. So many people that we meet out in the wild just assume that Nick is the twins' biological dad, because there isn't another dad that shows up for them. There isn't a situation of them spending every other weekend somewhere else. Since they were 5 or 6, they've been exclusively with Nick and I, except for the occasional weekend spent at their grandparents house. Our blended family situation isn't typical, but its ours and we do our best with it. 

I still feel sometimes like I've created a division between Nick and the twins because of the boundaries I set up at the beginning. My relationship with the twins is very emotionally based. There's been a lot of growing up that the three of us have done together over the years. They've seen me struggle with an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, an unhealthy weight, unhealthy emotional regulation. They've been there through most of the growing pains of my adult life. I had them when I was 24 years old, and we've grown up together in a lot of ways. 

My relationship with the younger boys is more parent/child without the blurred lines that might exist between me and Lucas and Rylee. The boys have had a mom and dad (biological) in their home since day one. They have three siblings each, and none of those are "half" siblings in their eyes, because they've all spent 100% of their time together growing up in the same house. The twins and I lived in a few different homes, and the boys have only ever known one home. 

The blending, the disruptions during the twins' younger years, and the way that I set up our family dynamics when Nick came into the picture are all pieces of our story. It's an unperfect blend, but I'm still thankful that it's part of our story. 

First Christmas with Nick (2009)

Christmas 2023

A Little Ancestry Dig

Micah, my fourth grader, has a project about his ancestors to work on this weekend. He was asking his dad and I questions, and I remembered a couple things about my family that has been shared with me over the years, and the same for Nick. Nick's dad, Julio, served in the Navy during Vietnam. I remembered that somewhere along the line on my dad's side, there was a history in Kentucky and a semi-famous boxer. Ancestry is something that has always fascinated me. In college, I took a class in ethnographies and oral histories, and it was incredibly interesting to me. 

Imagine my delight when I stumbled across an interview that my aunt did with my grandpa shortly before his passing in 1985 (when I was three years old). It not only got me thinking about the legacies that we leave behind for our kids and grandkids, but also at the importance of sharing stories and knowing where we come from; the good, the bad and the ugly. 

Special shout out to my Aunt Pam for taking this interview and writing things down. She has done an incredible job of sharing ancestry information with my dad and this whole side of the family. I love that my son loves learning about this stuff too, it's something we can obsess over together. 

A few things Papa Ron said that really got me emotional were: 

"Your mother is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. She's an amazing woman. It's unbelievable the amount of love that she has for people. Not just for you kids, but for her grandkids too."

This is my Grandma Bev that he's talking about, who just so happens to be one of my favorite people on earth. Papa Ron was a smart cookie. 

When asked by my aunt (his daughter) what he's most proud of, or what he'd like people to remember the most, he said, "The thing that I would like the most...is for people to feel and say, hey, he was a nice guy. I don't want to be a great guy, I'd just like to be a nice guy...and to have my kids, not just my three kids, but my grandkids too, is that I'd live long enough and they would remember me, to say, yeah, I remember Papa, I remember him." 

Now, I was 3 years old when Papa Ron passed away. He was only 55. I do have very vague memories of being at the first house I lived at, on Monterey Street, and Papa and Grandma being out in the front yard with us. I remember things my mom has shared, about how Papa Ron treated her like a daughter, and loved my sister and I very much. Reading his words, I can almost feel who he was as a person, which is pretty cool. 

Interestingly, I also learned in reading this interview that my great grandfather, Papa Ron's dad, was an alcoholic, and it sounds like a mean one at that. Unhealthy relationships with alcohol definitely seem to run in the family a bit. 

My aunt asked my Papa what advice he would give to my dad, and this one made me smile. 

"To relax. To be relaxed and not be so serious about a lot of things." 

Funny thing is, my dad always seemed happy when I was a kid (except right when he got home from work some days, he didn't love his job). He always showed us kids lots of love, was there for all of the big (and little) moments, and was generally just one of my favorite people growing up. But, I can definitely see where he was probably hard on himself and too serious. I feel this same way about Micah sometimes. He's very emotionally impacted by others around him, and he takes things very serious. He's a thinker, and an analytical person by nature. My Grandma Bev tells me regularly how much Micah reminds her of my dad. The genetic tendencies to be a certain way, to carry our emotions (or hide them) and to struggle with certain things are just an absolutely intriguing piece of life. Seeing it run through generations like this is just mind-blowing and so cool! 

Some great advice Papa Ron left us all with. "I'd give that advice to all of my grandchildren. To do the best you can, to get as much as you can but don't be selfish and greedy. And treat other people with respect and treat them decent. You never know, someday you may have to ask that person for a favor. You can't never tell." 

Papa Ron & Grandma Bev

My Grandma Bev & Papa Ron with their three kids (my dad is in the middle)

Stupid Love Day & 5 Months Sober!

 Today is what most people call Valentine's Day. I have called it Stupid Love Day for many, many years, because well, I think it's kind of stupid that we have a day to love our people. We should be doing that everyday, right? Don't get me wrong, I'll happily accept roses and a sweet card from my husband and cute gifts from my kids all day long. But, I think the expectations around Valentine's Day or anniversaries or birthdays set us up for failure and disappointment in most cases, because we just expect too much of people sometimes. Social media and the movies tell us we should get the world on a silver platter today, so anything less is going to be not enough. Lower expectations = realistic expectations = not being upset. 

Today also marks my 5 months soberversary! I posted this photo on Instagram yesterday. And I don't post these photos to pat myself on the back (well, kind of) or to brag. I post them because they are reminders to me of how far I've come, and how I never want to go back to that place. 

What do I see in the photo on the left? I see a swollen face, so much that it looks like it hurts to smile. I see an extra layer of fat under the left side of my face. I see an adorable little boy whom I love very much (the one positive in this photo). I see dull eyes and skin. I see someone who absolutely adored and loved her family, but hated herself. 

What do I see in the photo on the right? I see bright eyes and skin. I see my chin and my smile lines around my nose and mouth well-defined. I see hope. I see someone who prioritizes her peace and sobriety over all the other noise in the world. I see happiness and health. I see someone who loves herself just as much as she loves her family. That's growth, my friends! 

I haven't done measurements in quite awhile, I plan to do that at my one-year post-surgery mark. But I can definitely see the changes in my body. Sure, I have some loose skin now and some other things I want to improve. But overall, my blood test results, my blood pressure, my physical and mental strength, my emotional stability, my motivation to succeed in my career and passion projects, it's all so undeniable in the photos on the right of each panel. 

So today, I celebrate Stupid Love Day with my kids, and my husband, and myself. I celebrate the growth you can see in these photos, and the growth you can't see that's happened in my mind and my heart. Today, I love me. And loving me has made my relationships with these beautiful people of mine so much better than I ever thought possible. 

Blurred Lines

 I've worked remotely for 10 years. There are undoubtedly pros to this - wearing pajamas to work for half my day, not having to pay for before or after school childcare, being able to pick kids up from school and go to awards and spelling bees and Christmas performances because I am able to plan out my work day around those personal obligations, without having to consider a commute or drive time between these activities. I live two minutes away from the elementary school, and now that my older two drive themselves to high school, there's not a lot of driving for me to the high school unless it's an after school activity or special occasion. 

Working from home also brings its own set of challenges. For one, I feel like I'm never truly "off the clock" for work. I wake up and check emails before I even get out of bed sometimes. It's habit. A bad one, but still a habit. I am sending emails and responding to things while I "help" (I use that term VERY loosely when it comes to mornings around here - pure chaos, tears, yelling, lost shoes, it runs the gamut around here) my kids get out the door for school. The tears often come from me once I drop them off, because someone is usually upset by the time I drop them off at school, and someone else has developed a sudden cough or temperature in the 45 minutes since they woke up. Mornings are my most stressful time of the day usually, because out of 10 school days in a two-week period, I'm doing the routine at least 7 of those days. Even when my husband has a day off during the week, I'm still very involved in the morning process, because I can usually read which kid is having a bad day and approach them with mom gloves versus the frustration of dad not knowing what these emotions are or how to manage them. He tries, but usually, I'm the one who can handle with care. 

This morning was a tough one. My older two had a rough evening yesterday. We had a lot of emotions going on, and big decisions to be made, and they both (whether they willingly admit this or not) are worried about each other when things like this come up. They may not always show it, but they do worry about one another. So we went into this morning with all of those feelings, and crankiness, and stress about a test today, and one of the twins was taking longer than the other to get out the door, and then there's insults about who's a worse driver and who can get them to school on time, and it just goes sideways from there. I hate hearing them be mean to each other, because I know more than anyone how your family and especially your siblings are the ones that you're "stuck" with forever. Friends come and go, but sibling bonds are here to stay (whether they like it or not!). 

My younger two have different morning struggles. My middle guy, Micah, hates being around kids his age for the most part. He's stressed out by loud noises (hello, fourth graders!) and he doesn't really like chaos or plans changing at the last minute. His teacher can be a bit of a yeller from what I've told, so I know Micah doesn't love that either. School in terms of the academics is easy for him. School in terms of the social aspect is hard for him. This morning he suddenly developed a cough and was looking for the thermometer. Today is a rare in-office day for me, so I tried to explain to him that I needed him to take care of his responsibilities and go to school and not come home early (he's done this at least a dozen times this school year because he just taps out from all the noise and chaos in his classroom). He got emotional, and I felt like crying too when I dropped him off and I knew he was upset. But I think keeping him home is also not teaching him that he has to learn how to cope with the hard stuff in life. Or maybe I'm just being selfish and focusing on my work day. I just don't know sometimes. The mom guilt is real when it comes to our kids being upset and us feeling like we could have done something different to change it. 

My youngest, the baby of the family, is truly the baby in all the studies they've done on birth order. He does what he wants, when he wants, and marches to the beat of his own drum. He also takes FOREVER to get ready in the morning. Brushing his teeth takes 10 times longer than most people. Not because he's doing such an amazing job at it, but because he is painfully slow at all of his processes. Eating takes forever. Getting socks and shoes on is a whole ordeal, because if the socks aren't on just right, he has to start all over. It's painful for me sometimes to watch him get ready because I just want to do it for him to speed him along. Again, I know that's not teaching him or equipping him for life, but the struggle to not jump in and just take over is real, my friends. He also has this mop of beautiful unruly hair that has to be tamed every morning, and that's a whole different battle we fight on the regular. 

By the time 8am rolls around, I'm emotionally drained. And then I have to put on my work face and get in the game of dealing with people all day. 

In the afternoon, my parents pick my little boys up a lot. I have more meetings with my new job than I have in past roles, so the elementary school release time of 1:45pm isn't very conducive to an afternoon of work that still needs to be completed. But once they come home and through that door, my "peaceful" work  day of calendared meetings and to-do lists goes out the window and I'm in juggle mode. Doing the mom stuff and still finishing up my work  day. By 4:30 or 5pm when I sign off from work for the day, I'm so tired. I've given my energy and brainpower to managing kids' feelings, and corporate HR work and I have nothing left most days. The blurred lines of working from home, not having that commute time to break up the emotions from work and get ready for the home life stressors is tough. Many days, I have my mom hat on while I'm working, and vice versa. It's tricky. And today it feels especially tough. 

That's not to say I'm not grateful for working from home. I am. But sometimes, I just want someone else to acknowledge that it's difficult. That I carry the weight of four (not so) tiny humans, along with the weight of a people-centric full-time job, and also managing the house and unloading the dishwasher and cleaning up after people and doing laundry. It's a lot. And instead of texting my husband to complain, I figured I'd share it with all of you for a change. 

Life isn't all roses and sunshine. But I am grateful for a life that brings me sunshine and roses, as well as the tears and emotional ups and downs. It's all part of the journey, and no matter how blurry the lines get, I'll keep showing up for my kids and I'll keep showing up for myself. That's my focus in 2024 - authenticity, showing up, and trying to fit in the self-care and small victories along the way. 

An oldie but a favorite. They'll always be my why. Even on the hard days. 

Dreams, Fear, and Finding Your Way

One of my core fears when I got divorced and was a newly single mom of toddler twins was that they would be taken away from me. I had nightmares that one of the twins was taken away, that they lived with their biological dad full-time, or that they weren't returned to me after a scheduled visitation with their dad and paternal grandmother. I would wake up scared and stressed out. 

 I had one of those unsettling dreams last night. My daughter, Rylee, was about 2 years old in the dream. Her paternal grandmother refused to give her back to me. For some reason, I was able to pick Lucas up after one of their scheduled visits, but she wouldn't let me have Rylee. In my dream, I was devising a plan to get Rylee back, and I woke up before the resolution was found. Even though my Rylee girl is now 17 and clearly lives with me full-time and could call me or drive herself out of an uncomfortable situation, one of my core fears remains that my kids will be taken from me, without me having the power or say to get them back. It brings me back to those stressful days of custody hearings and always feeling like the other shoe was going to drop when I least expected it. 

Imagine my relief when I woke up and (after a few seconds) realized that all was well and all four of my kids were safely still in bed in my home. Although that dream doesn't hold a lot of actual possibility these days, it still scared me and made me feel anxious when I woke up. It's still unsettling to think of your core fears, even when they no longer hold any validity in your current day life. Those core fears are built into our emotions and hold a power over us in moments of fear, anxiety, or unsettledness. 

We've all encountered difficult things in our lives. Some of those difficulties are more unsettling or fear-inducing that others, but each of us has our own experience to share and we can all learn and grow from our shared experiences, successes, and even failures. The fears that would debilitate me 15 years ago no longer hold real weight in my everyday life. I am settled in my relationship with my kids and the fact that no one can take them from me. I know that logically, but waking up from a dream when that wasn't the case is still unsettling until I get my bearings and remind myself of the true reality, and that the core fear that accompanied my every thought 15 years ago no longer carries the same weight. 

Finding my way over the past (almost) 5 months has been quite the journey. I don't wake up every day thrilled to be working in HR. But I am grateful for my job and my career in that it allows me the room to pursue passions that do light my soul on fire. I'm finding ways to express myself through writing, and becoming more involved in my sober communities. 

Today marks 150 days sober for me. I don't track days as closely as some other people choosing an alcohol free life. Because for me, the days don't matter as much as the experience of fully knowing who I am and where I am headed, and that's to a destination of forever sobriety. I'm proud of the days I've collected under my belt, but they don't define me. My heart, my focus, my intentions - those are what define me now. My fears, my worries, my anxiety - they don't control my every move. My desire to be authentically me, to remain alcohol-free, and to find those things that allow me to pursue a passion-filled life whether that's through writing a blog a couple times a week or taking a walk and appreciating the sunshine that we haven't seen in So Cal that much over the past week, or cheering my boys on in their basketball game later today, it's all part of finding my way and living my most authentic life. 

This photo is my home screen on my phone. My lock screen is a picture of my family, they are part of my why for the decisions I've made in the past five months, and even before that in deciding to put my health as a priority and go through gastric bypass surgery last year. But they aren't the only reason. Finding my way, and knowing that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be right now, that's another piece of the why puzzle. 

And today, 150 days since I decided alcohol wasn't serving me in pursuing these passions and living my authentic best life, I'm grateful that my fears no longer define me. I'm proud of the steps I've taken thus far. And I'm looking forward to the rest of the journey.  

 

I Did a Thing Today!

 I did a thing today, guys! I shared my sober story on LHS, the first online sober community I joined back in September. I was very anxious leading up to it, but had written out my story and gone over it (rehearsed and clocked myself just like I would have for an oral presentation in college!) several times. I was pretty sure I'd be reading from my script the majority of the time, but once I started talking, it just came out so naturally. What an incredible experience to share my story out loud with women who have traveled a similar (yet very different in many cases) road. And one of my favorite humans in the world, my bestie from kindergarten who has shown up for me in crazy big and small ways since we were 5-years-old, she showed up for me in that meeting and I cannot even express in words how much her presence meant to me. It brought me to tears. She's been part of the sober AA community for 18 years and is such an inspiration and sense of comfort to me. And the women I've met in LHS through my small group (we meet on Marco Polo and share our journey through video chats), they all showed up for me today in the meeting and with messages of love and support. I'm so grateful. 

I shared in my story today how much improvement there has been in my life since I got sober. I'll be celebrating 5 months on Valentine's Day, and I have seen growth in myself mentally and emotionally, and I've seen beautiful changes in my relationship with my husband and my kids, and with the boundaries I can set now with people and friends and work without guilt, because I am learning that people pleasing will literally kill me. One of the things that was difficult for me to share was the instances when I drank where I made bad choices, or was mean to someone I love, or even before my journey with alcohol, my addiction to cutting and self-harm. It's all been such a crazy winding path of ups and downs, but sharing my story out loud today with faces of love, support, and no judgment whatsoever was so incredibly healing. 

Today was a good day, friends. 

I'm grateful for my sobriety. I'm grateful for my sober community. I'm grateful for my kids and my husband, and my parents and my grandma and my siblings and my friends. I'm grateful for a few of my favorite things looking like this now instead of a bottle of whiskey and lost memories. No matter what your struggle is in life, you can always choose differently. I'm so thankful I chose this new life, this forever sobriety on September 14, 2023. It's opened doors to a new perspective on my career, and my renewed passion for writing and reading and showing up as my authentic self. 

Life on the other side of alcohol is truly beautiful. 

Thanks for the Memories

 I don't use Facebook anymore, but when I did, I always appreciated the "memory" photos that would pop up, reminding you of something that you did the year or two before. It got me thinking about the memories that we all hold onto, whether it's the good, the sad, the ugly or a mix of everything in between. A few things have happened this week that made me want to write about memories. First, it's been one year today since my husband lost his dad. Although we didn't see or talk to Julio everyday, the fact that he's gone has definitely been felt in many moments over the past year. When Nick loudly clears his throat, I immediately think of Julio. It's something endearing about him that I will always think of fondly. When Micah puts his feet in the ground about something and shows his stubborn side, I'll remember how Julio would do small things towards the end of his life to exert his own independence or show his stubborn streak too. I think Micah (and Nick) get so many qualities from Julio, from a mischievous twinkle in their eye when they're being sarcastic or funny, to the quiet stubborn streak that Julio carried and I see in Nick when he's made up his mind about something (Micah too). I remember times when Julio would be frustrated because he was trying to explain something to Nick, but being father and son, they both had less patience than I do for trying to listen and figure things out. I remember Julio looking to me for assistance in those moments. I remember at Jaxon's 1st birthday that Julio was one of the only people Jaxon would go to without fussing and wanting me to hold him instead. I remember how warmly Julio embraced me as part of the family, and the same for Lucas and Rylee. He was a good man. 

Another less heartwarming memory that struck me this week was how much I would prioritize my friendships when the twins were little and Nick and I were first married. I would prioritize some of those friendships over things that should have come first; my marriage, namely. I wanted so badly to be loved and accepted by certain friends, that I would drop everything to hang out with them and do whatever they wanted to do. I am grateful for a lot of the friendships that took me through my 20s, and I'm especially thankful for the memories of those friendships, and all of the crazy things we did - sleeping on the street in Los Angeles for the New Moon premiere (of the Twilight Saga). Trips to LA we coined "triple trouble" adventures, and day drinking and face piercing and skydiving. Those friendships were important to me during that time of my life, but I think I missed the opportunity to be a good wife for the first couple years of my marriage because I was so concerned with my friendships above all else. A few of those friendship from that time are still intact. Different, sure, because life evolves and people change and seasons of life and priorities shift. Some of those friendships no longer exist as anything but memories, and that's ok too. I'm grateful for those anyway. 

Still another memory that has taken up space in my mind this week is the memories of my babies being little. Nick, Jaxon, and I took a little road trip yesterday to pick up a couple pieces of furniture. Jaxon was so happy to sit in the middle in the front of the truck that we rented. He put his little hand on my leg as we were driving, and it instantly brought me back to memories of when he was a baby and a toddler, and whenever he needed reassurance, he would grab my chest or my hand or whatever he could get a hold of. I was his security, and as he gets older, I'll be less and less of that, but my memories of a time when I was his go-to person will always stay fresh in my mind. 

Road trip

Knott's Adventures - core memories created! 

In 2024, I'm committed to being my most authentic self. I have some challenging things coming up this week that will put that iron in the fire. I'm ready for it, but also anxious about it. I want to be authentic to my story, to my journey, to my truth. I plan to do just that. I also plan to continue to make core memories with my kids and my husband. To spend time with the people that I want to prioritize this year. So to those people that are no longer with us, or to those that are no longer a part of my life, I want to sincerely thank you all for the memories. They build up, and create reminders of what remains to be important in my life, and what I'm grateful has gone to the wayside. I'm so thankful that drinking and hangovers and overeating and bingeing all the bad stuff is gone. I'm 90+ pounds lighter than I was a little over 9 months ago. I'm happier, I'm healthier, I'm more grateful for the little things like day trips to pick up furniture or a few hours spent at Knott's Berry Farm with my kids and husband. Although the last year hasn't been an easy, it's all been so worth it. When I look at this side-by-side, on the left side, I see a face swollen from alcohol and unhealthy foods. On the right, I see a happier, healthier me with more brightness in my cheeks and a bigger smile on a thinner face. I'm grateful for the memories of the darker times that brought me here, but I'm so thankful that I'm where I am now in a million different ways.