Do One Hard Thing Every Day

 One of the most inspiring things about my new job is that the company practices what they preach. The CEO stood up at our company kickoff meeting last week and said, "Do one hard thing every day. Do one thing every day that makes you uncomfortable." 

That stuck with me. 

My 10-year-old, Micah, is stubborn (I blame his dad for that one, although I know it's mostly my genes that influenced that character trait). When he sets his mind to something, he goes for it 100%. He may be regretting that a little bit yesterday and today because he committed to a 2-mile Spartan run on Sunday. His body was rebelling against him yesterday for sure. Poor kid was in pain moving his arms above his heads and clearly didn't train as well as he should have for his race. But you know what? He blows my mind and continually impresses me with his grit and commitment to things. He goes all in, and I love that about him. He also finished the race with a pretty decent time considering his lack of training for the event. I am so proud.

As a former people pleaser, I want to do all the things and make everyone happy. But you know what? Sobriety has taught me that it's ok if some people are upset. I can't control how everyone around me feels. I can do what's in my power and control, and that's it. I can show up with a positive attitude to work everyday, get my tasks done, and communicate effectively when I can't do something or I committed to another task or meeting or project first. I can say no. I can even tell my kids no if I don't want to do something. And no one is going to die because I said no or didn't want to play catch or go to the movies or eat out at a restaurant that day. We will all survive. 

I think the last couple of years has been an undeniable season of growth for me. I am still around the 90 pounds down mark after my RNY surgery in April 2023. I have been sober from alcohol from my own choosing, not because I got a DUI or blew my life up or got arrested. Elective sobriety is what they call it in the sober communities. I am a part of three really great online sober communities that I would recommend to any women looking for more support or community who aren't necessarily built for the specific program of AA but want that connection. If you want more information on what online communities I'm a part of, feel free to find me on Instagram at @justjenn613 and I'd be happy to chat about that. I'm blogging at least once a week, reading books for self-improvement, enrichment, or to encourage sobriety and good habits at least twice a month. I'm getting outside and walking and letting the sunshine fill up my soul (something I actively avoided in my drinking days) at least three days a week. I'm making strides to do one hard thing (or something that challenges me) every single day. And I feel better than I have physically and emotionally in years. 

My dad said something the other day that stuck with me too. Work isn't supposed to be easy or fun. It's supposed to be work. There's challenge and obstacles and not-so-fun tasks and meetings and things that are required of us as adults in the working world. But adversity and overcoming challenges is what makes us grow. It makes us better. And I'm all about a better, more authentic me in 2024. 

I Am Exactly Where I Am Supposed To Be

 This week, I traveled to an offsite company kickoff meeting for the new job I started a few weeks ago. I was very anxious about this, because I haven't interacted with work colleagues in over 10 years in person. I was one of the few people who worked remotely way before COVID, and there are definitely pros and cons with work-from-home life. The balance is hard. But the plus side of showing up to all of the kids' awards and sports and spelling bees and volunteering on occasion has been invaluable. 

I was on information overload by the second day. Not only was I in back-to-back meetings all day, I was forced to "people" for hours on end. As an introvert, peopling for hours and hours is difficult. It drains me. And to top it off, these were all brand new people that I had never met or had one or two online meetings with. And then the icing on the cake, a few people asked me questions that I don't yet know the answer to, because I barely started in this role with this company three weeks ago. 

It. Was. A. Lot. 

By the second day, I was questioning whether or not I had made the right decision to move over to this company. I think my tank was empty, and the one thing that kept rolling through my mind was how great all of the people were, even if the actual role of doing HR isn't something that sets my soul on fire. I talked to my husband about how I was feeling and came to the realization that:

I. Am. Exactly. Where. I. Am. Supposed. To. Be. 

I don't want to start a new career. I don't want to be at the bottom of the earning scale or racking up student debt. I don't want to be surrounded by feelings of not knowing on a daily basis. This role is exactly what I have wanted my entire career in HR. And our career doesn't have to be everything to us. I can find passion in the other things in my life that fill up my cup, as I've blogged about before. I can become more involved in my online sober communities. I can become a sober life coach. I can blog or podcast or write a book. And I can do all of that while making an impact with a company that truly values culture and its employees. 

Before I got sober, I always had to fill up my plate (and overflow it in most cases) with things that made me feel something. Volunteering or being a host family for Safe Families, or taking on all of the extra things that come at us in life. But this week has shown me that it's ok to be content where you are. It's ok to appreciate the value in the flexibility of a remote role with a good group of people, and make the impact I want to make with my kids and my circle of people. 

I'm overwhelmed a lot of the days of the week right now. I'm new to this role, I'm learning things and setting boundaries for myself. I'm making time to go for walks and take care of my mental health too. These are all things I wasn't doing a year ago. I may not be where I thought I would a year ago, but I'm in a way better space in so many ways. And I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. 

The sunrise in Venice Beach for our company "Heal the Bay" community event. 

The "R" Words

 

Yesterday, I was driving home from getting blood work done, and I saw this beautiful sky. At the same time, I happened to be listening to a podcast and the woman talking about her struggles with alcohol referred to her specific battle as alcohol reliance versus alcohol addiction or dependence. Reliance. That word really stuck with me, and the sky was a perfect example of reliance to me in that moment. As human beings, we rely on the rotation of the sun to give us sunlight, to feed us that Vitamin D that our bodies and our minds crave for balance. We are reliant upon so many things that happen in the background, that we don't give much thought to in our day-to-day. As Christians, we are reliant on faith that surpasses understanding. Faith in a living God that shows up for us and loves us and guides us despite our inability as people to do what He asks of us, because most days, we fall short. As parents, our kids are reliant on us to show up for them, to provide for their basic needs and to also be their emotional punching bag and support system. I feel that reliance to my core, some days more than others. Some days, the reliance of others on me leads me to bed before 8pm because I'm just drained emotionally from that reliance of others on me. 

Reliance is defined as a "dependence on or trust in someone or something." 

Resilience is another R word that has resonated with me lately. Resilience is something I see in my grandma, who despite previous battles with colon cancer and other health conditions, is spending today at the hospital to receive treatment for skin cancer. Resilience is something I see in my parents, who despite their upbringings, have been the most supportive parents and grandparents I ever could have dreamed of. Resilience is something I see in my son, who was in the spelling bee yesterday and didn't fare as well as he'd hoped, but still stuck it out the rest of the day at school even though his emotions got the best of him for awhile. Resilience is something I see in my daughter who has overcome a heart condition and does her best to show up for her friends, her family, and pushes herself to do her best in school and life. 

Resilience is not a word I would have identified with personally in the past. I have definitely overcome some tough situations, but I wouldn't necessarily call myself resilient, because oftentimes, the battle that I fought would have taken all of my energy and kicked my ass for awhile, leaving me drowning in emotions and feelings of disappointment and failure. But, my sobriety has once again given me the aptitude for a skill I didn't know I had. Resilience. Able to push through challenges and not letting the emotions and energy it takes out of me crush my resolve to put my needs first, and practice self-care. Able to keep showing up for my kids and my husband and even though things are hard sometimes, still doing the damn thing. 

Resilience is defined as "the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness." 

These two words at first glance might seem opposites. But, I think they actually work pretty well together if we allow them to co-exist. Reliance on our faith, our toolkit to practice self-care, to prioritize the people and things that matter to us, and our own strength to survive the tough stuff in life. But also resilience to recover from those challenges and to keep showing up, day after day. 

Image courtesy of @Soberlining on Instagram 

 

Outgrowing Your Past

I have shared before about my past and the twins' family on their biological dad's side. It's always been a tricky situation for me to manage those relationships, because I was a kid myself when I met my ex-husband's parents and extended family. Creating healthy boundaries has been difficult, and I think there are some relationships that I have been unsuccessful in creating or maintaining those boundaries, and others that are filled with mistrust due to lack of honest communication between me and those people over the years. 

Over the weekend, I had a long conversation with my ex-mother-in-law. Our relationship has always been somewhat challenging, because at the end of the day, I will put my kids first and she will put her son first. This distinction in our priorities has created conflicting views of what the right choice is because her son is the one that I have often had to protect my kids from in one way or another. The twins' biological dad is not an evil person, but he has proven himself time and time again to be incapable of (1) taking care of himself and therefore being a good role model to Lucas and Rylee, and (2) prioritizing the twins' well-being (mostly emotional since he hasn't had a physical father-like relationship with them in many, many years) over his own desires and wants. He is not a father to them in the most simple ways; he doesn't wish them happy birthday or Merry Christmas, he doesn't ask how their sports or school or day-to-day life is going, and he doesn't show up for them financially (although his mom has always been very generous financially with the twins and with me over the years, it's never come from the person it should have), or physically or mentally or emotionally. He's just incapable of doing that, and at this point, I don't have faith or hope that he ever will be a positive father figure to them. Maybe one day he can be their friend, but that seems pretty far off at this point too, and as long as I am their primary caretaker, I'll continue to protect them even if that means not allowing an unhealthy relationship with their biological father to take place. 

Lucas, me & Rylee - October 2007

Back to my own boundaries in this situation...I do believe that the twins and I can have healthy relationships with many of the people in their biological dad's (Corey) family. His half-brother (the twins' uncle) and their biological dad's stepmom are able to separate what is good and healthy for the twins and what is good for their biological dad. The twins' uncle (their biological dad's half-brother on his dad's side, Zach) has been a good role model for the twins because he works hard and prioritizes his family and friends, and is someone that I hope they can continue to have a good relationship with. The twins' paternal grandfather still has some loyalty and connection to their biological dad that sometimes makes me distrustful of him, but then I have to think about the fact that he is Corey's dad and of course he wants some type of relationship with his son. Just like Lucas has expressed to me throughout the years that he wants a relationship with his biological father, I can't discount that Corey's dad wants a relationship with Corey, but I can maintain my boundaries and choose how much I trust those people that want to keep their relationship with Corey open. 

And then there's Corey's mom. She is a generous woman who has (mostly) treated me with kindness and love, except when we were going through the custody and divorce and I was protective of the twins and wanted to make sure they were only around Corey if it was safe for them to be there. She and I have developed a relationship built on our mutual love of the twins, but I do still have to be cautious to not let her disrespect (unintentionally, I believe) my role as their mom, and the fact that Corey has not been a real parent to them for many, many years. I think she still wants to view Corey through rose-colored glasses and see the good in him, even when the good is not something I've seen in him for many years. He has two other children that he doesn't have custody and/or a parental relationship with, and I don't see either of those situations changing anytime soon either. It sometimes makes me sad that the twins do not have a relationship with their half-sisters from their biological dad, but at the end of the day, Corey is the one who has to own that. Not me. 

My biggest concerns with continuing relationships that create emotional distress in me is that it negatively affects the rest of my family, the ones who have shown up for me and the twins since the day they walked into our lives. My frustrations with Corey remain the same as they were 15 years ago...He doesn't have a job (that I know of), he doesn't pay any of his own bills, and has ongoing medical issues as a result of his addiction and a motorcycle accident from a few years ago. I don't know if he's still on addiction maintenance medication, and I don't trust that he would make the right decisions when it came to the twins' well-being. None of that has changed. 

So here I am, a 41-year-old woman (funny side note, I just realized I've been telling people that I'm 42 for the last six months...whoops), still trying to manage my relationship with people I've known since I was 16, and still trying to decide what those boundaries should look like. Should I back away and let the twins manage their own relationships with that side of the family? Is that what is best for me and my mental health and wellness as I start this year with nothing but good intentions for my authentic way of living life moving forward? 

I'm not sure. I do know that many of us outgrow relationships and friendships. Have I outgrown my past entirely? And if so, what does that look like for these relationships? I've been grappling with this for months (if not years) and I feel like the decision is becoming more clear as time passes. At least for me. 

During my phone call this weekend with my ex-mother-in-law, she was poking for information about other people I still talk to that are related to my ex-husband. To be honest, I don't want to know if other family members are reaching out to Corey or having a relationship with him. That doesn't change what I want for the twins, and that's a relationship with their biological dad only if they want one, and if it's a positive influence on them. 

The people I allow to peek through the social media windows of my little corner of the world are ones that I want to continue to have a positive relationship with. The ones that I am more cautious about letting in are the ones that don't share my same values or priorities, and that's ok. In outgrowing my past, and looking ahead to the future, I want to continue to choose the things and people that matter to me. I'm grateful for the ones that have been a part of my journey, but I'm also accepting the fact that some relationships will fall to the wayside because our priorities are not in alignment. Outgrowing your past doesn't mean the past doesn't matter, because it does. But it doesn't have to shape our future. 

Four Months Sober & Enneagram Talks

 Four months sober on 1/14/24. I'm a day ahead, but I know there's nothing that could take me off this path right now. Yesterday, I stopped at CVS (which used to be my frequent liquor pick up stop on the way home from whatever had caused me anxiety to drink that day) and didn't even think about wandering to the alcohol aisle. I instead went there with a mission to get hair dye and treat myself to arguably one of the most controversial candy choices in the world...just behind candy corn...circus peanuts. I love them. Everyone else I know (aside from my kids who will eat pretty much any candy in front of them) hates them and thinks they're gross. Whatever. More for me. Although I do have to be careful with candy these days. My stomach can only handle a few pieces at a time, so I've learned moderation is best when it comes to sweet treats. 

Anyhow, 4 months sober tomorrow. 122 days sober today. 90 pounds lighter than I was on April 26, 2023. There's been a lot of positive change coming my way over the past eight months. And I think I'm showing up differently because of these changes. I'm more comfortable in my own skin due to the weight loss, as well as the alcohol-free lifestyle. I see a brightness in my eyes that hasn't been there in years, and more color in my cheeks. I feel a different confidence in the way I carry myself, and I don't worry about walking up a set of bleachers at my kids' basketball game because I'm steady on my feet and unafraid of the weight of my own body causing my knees or ankles to give out on me. 

It's funny, I think the last time I kept such good track of months or noted the date as an important milestone was when Jaxon was a baby. I was so good about sending email updates about the twins when they were babies. And then posting about Micah and Jaxon's milestones on Instagram and Facebook. Now, I'm here posting about myself and my own milestones. Of course, most of my Instagram feed is covered with proud mom posts for the kids, but here, I can give myself a pat on the back and shout from the rooftops that I'm happy and sober and feeling settled. I'm sure the new job will take some time to get used to, but overall, I do feel like I have a purpose and I am doing good work for a company with a strong organizational culture and mission. I am also enjoying taking care of me in whatever manner that looks like. 

One of the ladies in my online sober community shared an enneagram test the other day, and I just love the enneagram studies. I think it's a powerful tool to learn more about yourself, like personality tests of the early 2000s and those amazing 100 question surveys we'd circulate on Facebook in the late 1990s and early 2000s. Tools that help us learn more about ourselves and the ways that we interact with important people in our lives are always something that interests me. I am an enneagram 2 with a 1 wing, and I think that accurately sums up a lot of the characteristics I carry. 

Enneagram 2: 

 - Driven by the core fear of being rejected or unwanted, being thought worthless, needy, inconsequential, dispensable or unworthy of love. 

 - Enneagram two-wing-one types fear being unwanted by those that they love, and tend to take on a caretaker role to serve others and avoid feelings of insecurity. 

 - They desire love and acceptance above all else. 

 - Organized, structured, and feel like it's their responsibility to serve others. 

 - Dislikes: selfishness, being unsure where I stand in relationships, rudeness, feeling unimportant. 

- Likes: feeling needed, giving advice, being included, being there for others. 

Have you done your enneagram assessment? If not, check out one of the great free tools you can find online, or follow some of the Instagram enneagram accounts I like: @enneagramashton @enneagramexplained 

Experiencing Life without the Haze

 Over the past 118 days, I've seen life through a different lens. A clearer picture, less hazy from hangovers or guilt after drinking and not showing up and being present for my people. Last night, I experienced another first in this sobriety journey, and actually a first of my lifetime too - a live NBA game. My middle son, Micah, turned 10 on Friday. He asked if we could go to an NBA game for his birthday. Micah is the type of kid who would rather have an experience (Great Wolf Lodge, Big Bear weekends, and WWE events have been on his previous birthday wish lists) instead of a big gift. Now, of course, he also wanted these fancy basketball shoes this year, but he was turning 10, and double digits is a big birthday, so he got the shoes and the game. Because his birthday also falls during the kids' extended winter break (yes, they are out for over three weeks every year in our district at this time of the year), it becomes a mini family vacation or a family event in addition to celebrating his birthday. 

Experiencing life without the haze has been one of my favorite things about the last (almost) 17 weeks in sobriety. Showing up to these big (and little) events, whether it's an NBA game with my boys or a basketball game that my 8 and 10 year old are playing. I get to show up with a clear head and feeling good, instead of trying to take deep breaths and ignore the nausea or the headache because I drank too much the night before due to the anxiety of the event or the weekend or just life in general. It's like experiencing life in a fresh way, instead of walking around with this fog constantly hanging over me. Everything is brighter in a good way (not the headache-inducing way of my drinking days), and everyone is less annoying than they were when I was hungover and cranky. Life is truly beautiful again. And I get to experience it 100% with my kids, my husband, my family. I honestly don't have a lot of friends these days, so I can't include friends in that list. The friends I do have are from my online sober communities, or lifelong friends that I see a few times a year and text with a little more often that that. Life gets in the way of our friendships sometimes, and I've chosen to prioritize showing up for my kids' activities and being there for them instead of wholeheartedly pursuing friendships. Sometimes I think that is a mistake, and other times, like last night watching Micah live his very best life at the Clippers game, I know without a doubt that I'm choosing right. 

I've been struggling with the changes that come with starting a new job and juggling kids at home over Christmas break and knowing that some of my favorite people on earth are not in the same health that they were five or even two years ago. I struggle with change and especially with not being able to control the things around me - my calendar is at the mercy of the people training me in my new job, and the orthodontist and chiropractor and medical appointments that I'm juggling for various family members. Not being in control has previously been a huge trigger for me, and I would automatically want to numb out and drink in order to not feel the uncomfortable feelings of not being in control. Being a reformed perfectionist and people pleaser, I'm trying to breathe through the discomfort, and look ahead to what things will look like in 2, 3 or 6 months. What things would I have missed out on if I was still drinking? What things do I get to do now that I'm sober and clear-headed, and willing to view things from a positive point of view, even if that's a little uncomfortable right now? 

Experiencing life without the haze of drinking and hangovers and continuous guilt about those choices has definitely taught me that there's no going back. Educating myself about what alcohol does to our bodies and our minds has ingrained in me a desire to stay alcohol-free for the rest of my life. That doesn't mean it isn't hard sometimes. Because I still do get caught up in the thought cycle of "why can't I just have one or two drinks like "normal" people?". But you know what? When I really stop and think about it and don't react on impulse or let my emotions completely take over once that thought plants itself in my brain, I know that I really don't want to have one or two drinks. I like me way better alcohol-free. I like my way of reacting to things, I like that I control my emotions better, and I like that people who are important to me have noticed those changes and appreciate them. I like experiencing life without the haze, and I am grateful that my husband provides for our family in a way that allows us to have those experiences. It's incredible how the things that used to annoy me before I was alcohol-free are now some of the things about people that I love the most. And instead of dreading experiences because of how I feel after a night of drinking to cover up anxiety or other painful emotions, I look forward to these experiences with my little corner of the world, and I'm grateful. 

Micah watching the Clippers beat the Suns

1st NBA game for Micah & Jaxon, 2nd for Lucas

Me and Micah at the Clippers game (we got there early to get the hat giveaway!)

Nick, Jaxon & I at the Clippers game

My birthday message to Micah:

You were wise beyond your years from the moment I locked eyes with my baby Micah 10 years ago. Your smile makes me smile, and your wit and intelligence are unmatched by most adults, let alone your peers. You’ve always done things your own way and kept your circle of people small. I admire that about you, Micah Daniel. You carry your late uncle’s name as your middle name, and from what I know of him, Danny would have adored you and you do his name proud. ❤️ My favorite things about you are your sweetness and thoughtfulness when most people would just keep going about their day, you notice other people’s feelings and you always ask me for a hug when you’re needing a little reassurance that everything is ok. I love your dry sense of humor, your commitment to new challenges whether it’s a new sport, a Spartan run, or the school spelling bee. You put 100% into the things and people you love, and you’re keenly aware of your surroundings and people’s emotions. Shortly after you were born, I started calling you my anchor baby and you still are the most powerful grounding force in my life. You weren’t an anchor in the traditional sense of tethering me to your dad (although that’s definitely been true as you are the first common thread of shared DNA between us) but in tethering me to reality, to love, to being in the moment. I love you, sweet Micah. No one else will ever know the depths of that love, because you are one of only four humans who have felt and heard my heartbeat from inside. To my horror-movie loving, basketball obsessed little man, happy double digits birthday, my feisty little Capricorn! I adore you! 

The Responsibility to Change is Yours

 Change. Transformation. Evolution. Growth. All of these words mean something different to each of us. Some have positive connotations; some are scary as hell. As I've been letting the unsettledness of life lately just take shape and not do anything to make it feel more settled, I've been more open to the idea of not needing to find 100% happiness in my chosen career. I think there's something to be said for finding great joy in your job, and having your paycheck be attached to something that sets your soul on fire. As I've blogged about before, I think it's also ok to have a career that you don't mind, and that you can find joy in (whether that's the people you work with, the organization's mission, the pieces of good that you find in the mundane of the everyday of it all), but that doesn't necessarily set your heart on fire. I think it's perfectly acceptable to have a side gig or family or a volunteer opportunity that ignites your true passion. 

As I'm starting to think about what 2024 has in store for me and my family, and that includes my twins starting their senior year of high school in August as well as Micah finishing elementary school and Jaxon not far behind, I'm exploring different ideas of what my passion projects for this year could be. I'm taking my blogging more seriously, committing to posting at least twice a week and possibly turning some of that blogging and past writing I've done about my life and my journey to sobriety into a book-length venture. I'm also committed to continuing my self-improvement through reading books in the quit lit and self-transformation genres, becoming more involved at church whether that's through a life group or volunteering once a month in the nursery/preschool department, or something else. I'm also committed to showing up for as much of my own kids' stuff as I can - orthodontist appointments, sporting events, awards and volunteer opportunities at their schools. All the things. I took a hybrid (mostly remote) job in HR instead of pursuing the teaching path because I want to prioritize my kids and my role as mom more than I want to influence hundreds of kids each year teaching. I want to have a bigger, more prominent impact on my kids, and being around and working remotely is the decision I've made to make that happen. To influence my little corner of the world. 

Today in church, our pastor was talking about the vision for 2024. In that, he discussed how the responsibility to make a transformation lies in different arenas: personal (you), communal (church/group), and faithful (trusting in God's vision for you). I want to take a minute to explore the idea of personal responsibility for transformation. I think even if you don't believe in God or a higher power, you will resonate with this piece. In listening to the lecture today, I thought about the ways that I did not take responsibility for my own growth in years past, mostly due to my decision to let alcohol numb me from the pain and feelings that motherhood and life brought on a daily basis. The decision to drink effectively took away my responsibility for anything. I could blame my circumstances, the pandemic, my unhappiness, my default parenting role, and anything else under the sun for my inability to take control of my own personal growth. In my sobriety, I see much clearer that it is up to me what I choose to make of the circumstances I find myself in. If I don't love every aspect of human resources as a career, but I love the flexibility of working remotely, I appreciate the company's vision and mission statement, and I enjoy working with colleagues and leaders who share in that vision, then maybe, just maybe, it's ok to be happy in that role and not need more out of my day-to-day. And just to get a little crazy, perhaps it's an opportunity to find out ways that I can grow as a professional, as a leader, as a mom, as a woman through my day-to-day job. Perhaps my job itself doesn't have to change the world, but the ways in which I choose to do my job and prioritize things in my life based on the job I choose, that's how I change my little corner of the world. That's how I allow myself to grow personally. Maybe that's where I find the responsibility for my own personal growth in 2024. 

I still dream about doing different things. But maybe those things can come alongside my 9-to-5 that pays the bills. Maybe I can volunteer, and blog and write and start a podcast one day. Maybe I can become more involved in the online sober communities that have been so instrumental in my journey thus far. Maybe I can find ways to incorporate my personal growth into the workplace, and positively impact others around me with a commitment to sobriety and self-awareness. And if that's the case, I can start to look at my 9-to-5 through a different lens, one that lets me appreciate the position I find myself in, rather than being resentful that I didn't choose something different twenty years ago. Maybe my personal responsibility to growth doesn't have to look like the traditional "helper" career of teacher or nurse. Maybe working in human resources and impacting others in less direct ways is just as important to my own story and someone else's journey. Anything is possible, and I'm committed to looking through that positive lens and seeing where things go from here. 

Instead of trying to drive the ship and control my transformation, my spiritual change, I'm going to allow God's faithfulness, my commitment to sobriety and being my most authentic self, and the choosing of family as my number one priority to shape the outcome. 

Unsettled but Settled

 I have a love-hate relationship with change. I do not like change (like most people) when it comes to the actual implementation of that change. I am a creature of habit, and I like creating routines and being able to expect what is coming next so I can respond appropriately. Being a mom, that's necessary, as any of you raising teens or toddlers can relate! We're always on our toes, ready to react to the latest explosion of toddler tyranny or teenage drama. I get excited about new things, and tend to throw myself in full force whenever I start a new job, a new class, a new training, I'm all in and ready to go, until the change itself creates a sense of unsettledness because it's new and different, and I'm not the master of it yet. 

Growing up a perfectionist and a people pleaser, I always want to be the master of whatever I'm doing (school, soccer, parenting, job tasks) right off the bat. I don't like not being the best at things, and I previously got my self-worth and ego boosts from being told that I'm doing a good job and that I'm crushing it in whatever arena of life I'm obsessing over at the time. After getting sober 113 days ago in the phase of life I'm calling my forever sobriety because there's no going back for me this time, I see a shift in the way I respond to words of affirmation or encouragement. They don't make me feel the same way anymore, although they are appreciated, I don't NEED them to feel fulfilled. I'm learning to get that fulfillment on my own through taking care of my emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. Not needing others to fill my cup, and learning that I can do that for myself without being selfish or ignoring the needs of my little corner of the world. So there's a sense of feeling SETTLED in that sense, because I'm learning more about what I need and how to not just survive but thrive in this season of life. 

However, starting a new job this week has definitely thrown me for a loop in terms of feeling unsettled and not perfect at all the things. That's something I struggle with, intrinsically built into my makeup is a need to be perfect, to perform, to always set the bar a little higher. The second day of my new job, I felt burnt out and like I was failing already. Instead of turning and running from that, like I would have several months ago (and actually did do that with another job I was supposed to start last September), I took lots of deep breaths and focused on the tasks at hand, one thing at a time, one meeting at a time, one minute to the next. Taking those small bites of life instead of thinking about the next 10 years and overwhelming myself is important on this healing journey. 

I'm not 100% sure this is my forever job. There are definitely some positives - I love the company mission and values, the people are great so far, and it's something I know I can do because I've been doing similar roles for the past 20 years. Is this something that will fill my life with passion and purpose? Maybe. Maybe not. And I'm trying to learn to be ok with that. Nothing has to be the forever plan. This might be the next six months, and it might be the next 20 years. I'm trying to be ok with the feelings of unsettledness and take it day-by-day, and not have to be the master of anything in the next several weeks. It's ok for me to learn and not be the best. It's ok for me to have crying breaks if I feel overwhelmed. Or to take a walk to clear my head. Or read some quit lit and re-teach myself that I'm not alone in the ups and downs that this journey often takes. 

I woke up this morning with a sore throat, a text from my son that he got another ticket (they should probably just take his license away at this point), but feeling like I needed to write some things out, get these thoughts out of my head and onto the screen, and then push forward with the meetings on my calendar today and the mom things that come with the everyday of it all. Taking on a new job while the kids are still on Christmas break, balancing the needs of everyone in the household as part of the invisible mental and emotional load of motherhood (even when we both work full-time jobs, the majority of that load falls on me, as I am undoubtedly the default parent in our household), and making sure my little people get to basketball practice and orthodontist appointments and all the things, it can be a lot. 

For today, I'm going to accept that this is a season of being unsettled. That I don't need to have it all figured out. That I can do a good job in my new role and still take care of myself and not need to be the best at everything right away. I can just see how things go and not make any drastic decisions. I can let things settle even while I feel unsettled. 

New Year, Best Me

Happy New Year! I was in bed by 9:30pm PST and woke up without so much as a twinge of a headache. Very different from previous New Year's Day mornings when I would wake up unsettled, possibly with a slight hangover, and feeling like I was on the perpetual hamster wheel, with not a whole lot changing and just stuck in that survival mode mindset. 

This morning, I am a little anxious about my new job starting tomorrow, but excited about the potential to enjoy my career more than I have over the past few years, and work with a team and company that values culture and growth. I would say 2023 saw the most growth physically and emotionally for me in my adult life so far. I woke up this morning in a body that feels more like mine than it has in years, and with a clear head and goals. I woke up this morning with a focus on living this year with purpose, passion, and authenticity. I woke up this morning super grateful for my life, and that's a big change for sure. I've always loved my kids, but there's a newfound sense of gratitude for the life I get to live alongside a partner that I truly value, rather than resenting him for the life that I am "stuck in" and just really looking forward to whatever this year has in store for me professionally and personally. 

As I head into 2024 with my word of AUTHENTICITY, I want to focus on being the best version of me. Not a new version as the old saying goes "new year, new me" but the BEST me. Here are a few ways that I plan to do that:

1. Be authentically me in words and action. If I don't want to go somewhere or do something, I'm going to say it and be ok with whatever reaction others have to that decision. 

2. Embrace new challenges in my career, and be open to new doors opening or, on the flip side, no open doors and contentment with right where I'm at. 

3. Reading, learning, and listening to sober podcasts, quit lit, and the stories of others in their recovery journey. 

4. Work on my own written story. 

5. Move my body every single day. Exercise is a focus for 2024 like it never has been before. My journey post-RNY surgery calls for movement in order to continue working towards my health goals, and now that I've gotten the eating part down and all of the changes that the surgery brought to me in that regard, it's time to focus on the movement aspect of getting my body back to where it should be. 

6. Sleep - this is a big one. Some people view sleeping 9 hours a night as lazy. I view it as self-care. My body, my mind, my soul work best when I have at least 9 hours of sleep, so I'm embracing that as one of my goals for 2024. 

7. Show up for my people. This is something I feel like I've done really well as a mom in physical showing up. This year, I plan to show up with my whole self as much as possible. Not just physically present but mentally and emotionally present for my people as well. 

How do you plan to make 2024 your best year yet? I'd love to hear all about it in the comments! 

My people. Showing up for them is my priority. 

My face looks clearer in this photo than it has been in years. Sure, I have bags under my eyes, it was raining and I see flaws that I'd previously have focused so much on that I wouldn't have shared this photo. But look at the pure joy behind Jaxon's smile. Look at my smile. We are happy. We are free. We are living our best lives on New Year's Eve, even with soaking wet feet in the rain at Knott's Berry Farm. This is exactly how I want to show up every day. 

New Year's Eve dinner with my little boys and Nick. Our big kids were working and snowboarding but they are always on my mind. Again, I look tired and my cheeks are rosy from the hot coffee I had at 6pm to warm me up, but I look authentically happy. My eyes are brighter than they've been in years!